Do I tell my family?

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I have several siblings, but I'm pretty distant from all of them emotionally, not surprisingly. We've had a lot of differences and disputes over our quirks and my rigid thinking. Now I've been diagnosed with aspergers in my 40s. Part of me has been considering writing a letter to them to let them know and apologize for my part, but explain to them the reason of why I am more distant and not more communicative. I'm just not sure whether or not to do that.

Has anyone else here had any experience with a later in life diagnosis and the decision whether or not to tell their family? What did you do, and if you did tell them, what were the results?

In general, I would say that if you think of your family that way that I feel like family ought to be thought of, the answer is an absolute, definite yes, they should be told. Maybe if you really aren't close to them at all you might not tell them, but the impression that I have from what you've written is that, at a minimum, you want to be close to them, and I think that's enough that they should be told.

How to tell them is a really hard one. In my case, I'm very close to my family. I actually discussed the possibility with my parents on the phone a few days after the possibility came up that I might have ASD. It was really hard to say the words, but their response was basically that they weren't surprised. The psychologist wanted to interview them during the diagnostic process, which wasn't a problem because they already knew it was a possibility.

My brother, with whom I have always been close, was a more difficult matter, and I basically took the easy way out by giving my parents permission to tell him.

In fact, maybe that might actually be an easier thing for you too. You mentioned that you have several siblings, and the impression that I'm getting from your post is that they are closer to each other than to you.

Are you closer to one of your siblings that the others? Might it be easier on you if you told just one of them and asked that one to tell the others? Do you think that would be fair to them?

One thing: when I did tell my parents, I was basically telling them from a perspective of me seeking their council - not trying to explain my behaviour. I'm a bit concerned that if you come at it from a perspective of trying to explain your behaviour, they might interpret it as you trying to make excuses (even if they are valid excuses).

Hopefully your siblings will draw these conclusions on their own, but I wouldn't, at least at first, try to draw a direct link between your past behaviour and your diagnosis.

It made perfect sense to my family and explained a lot. They are very supportive.

I'm glad, that my family does not interfere with my life. I tried them explain my problems, when I was younger, but they never took it seriously, they never underestand me. I like them, but I dont see any reason, why now I should tell them about AS. When I will tell about AS one person from my family, this person will inform all family and I don't want this.

I haven't. Personally I don't see any 'up' side to giving them yet another reason to think that I'm even weirder than they already do.

Don't write them a letter.

Tell them in person (if you feel like telling them. You're under no obligation to tell them).

I got my diagnosis almost a year ago and haven’t told my mother (one parent, no siblings). It wouldn’t change anything for me and she has always supported me. I want to, but it feels too uncomfortable to say. I think she might feel a little better though.


Personally, I wouldn’t actually apologize for having a disability. If you’re already distant, I don’t think that telling them would hurt the situation. Explaining what you experience and your difficulties with communication may bring them closer to you. If it helps, you can write down what you want to say so you are prepared for the conversation. Maybe they will be able to accept the past and support you in the future.

Diagnosed 18 months ago at 37. Not told family, they are a bit old fashioned and can only see them question it over and over, they would never just accept that it helped me understand some of my difficulties.

If you are imagining that it will make much difference I wouldn't count on it, no one understands and if you aren't on the best terms with them they are unlikely to make the effort to understand.

I tried to tell my mom She doesn't believe me

She thinks you're lying? Or she thinks the psychologist is wrong? Or you're self-diagnosed and she thinks you're wrong?