Misunderstanding body language, and claustrophobia.

Post Reply New Topic

When I was younger, I was especially bad at understanding body language, and unfortunately this led to me making some quite silly mistakes.

To add to this, I had a tendency to get claustrophobic in crowds (still do to a lesser degree), and also when people got too close to me. When people got too close to my face, I went through what can only be described as blind panic, coupled with fight or flight impulses.

At school there was this kid who would stand and lean in uncomfortably close to my face, and stare at me. He would creep me out to no end, and I was never sure whether he was trying to be friendly or attack. I seemed to zone out when he talked to me, a little voice of concern in my head seemed to yell over what he was saying, asking "What does he want from me? Should I panic?" and I'd tell myself "Well maybe if you shut up and let me listen, then I'd know!"

One day he got up close to my face, even closer than usual, and it was like everything suddenly slowed to slow motion. The non-stop talking from this kid and the weird faces he would make were the same speed, but everything else in the background seemed to stop and it was just me and this creepy kid, then a strong desire to flee came over me, but it was like my feet were stuck to the ground somehow. I felt trapped and as someone who gets claustrophobic easily that meant only one thing- sheer panic.

So, I ended up punching this kid in the face. I never planned to do this, it was very much a spur of the moment thing. Don't worry, he was fine for the most part. He recovered fairly quickly.

Admittedly, it didn't even fully register that I'd done it at first, I felt in shock as if I'd just lost control of myself. Just sort of stood there, looking at him on the floor thinking about what I'd done. It didn't feel real.

I try to tell my friends about what happened, but they don't get it. "Oh, so you bullied that kid?", Well no, not intentionally. I didn't even fully mean to punch him, I just seemed to lose control. "But he was a weak kid with no power over you, what could you possibly fear?", it's hard to describe...I wasn't thinking properly... I just got overwhelmed and my fight or flight kicked in...

Anyone relate?

Now that I'm older I can control my physical reactions, to a degree, for the most part. But if someone gets too close to me, especially if it's intentional, I'll push them away. Not on purpose, not consciously. My arm and hand have already reached out, made contact, and shoved before I even realize what I'm doing.
Sometimes it's very familiar, comfortable people. People I've known all my life or most of my life. And they're just trying to have some kind of contact or moment with me, but my "hind brain" for lack of a better term goes "NOPE." and I've already physically insisted on distance.