Shadow aspie

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That's it! We were trying to find a word for a condition of a very light ASD. Likedcalico proposed "border aspie". I was in for "lesser aspie". Now someone talked about shadow syndromes, light versions of DSM syndromes which go undetected because the symptomes are weaker. That's it: SHADOW ASPIE. It's like elves and shadow elves, it got a nice fantasy sound

I walk in the shadows....

There can be shadow in darkness and in light, but there can be no light in darkness.
Thus I am a shadow, the ever expanding shroud of blackness. I spiral into infinity and cloud every beam of light within my sight. True meaning has no words, only impact on those still stuck in the day.

If that didn't make sense, then umh...Shadow aspie sounds kind of like some real evilness! the Drow Syndrome or something.

Flourescent lightbulbs will make
An absense of dark, but
The light just aint there still and she said
"I'm feeling empty,
The real lights can make you heavy but
Never ever really empty
Flourescent lights will always equal empty."

I tower over them. I step on them, crush them under my heel. I spit, gnash and pace. I am Chaos

Ah
why must you harm thee
I’m jus’ an innocent shadow
trying to find my meadow
but now I’ve got to flee
from people trying to jump on me

I call it The Life Hypnotic. My life is fragmented and shadowy. Certain very relevant or traumatic events have broken my hypnotic state so I am free and fully alive, but then I sink back into the shadows. I wonder when I die if I'll see my entire life in only a few great events. History seems that way: man on the moon, John Kennedy dies, Twin Towers fall, etc. The rest is noise and streams of varigated light and collective movement that ebb toward or away from one event to another. I'm pretty content through it all, and like a bystander.

There is a book out titled "Shadow Syndromes". Its premise is that people can be just below the threshold of a clinical condition. In other words you can have a dash of depression with a pinch of AS and ADD. It's a good read I recommend it.

Yep, that's me. I used to have more symptoms... would that make me a shadow of my former self?


You, Darkness

You, darkness, that I come from
I love you more than all the fires
that fence in the world,
for the fire makes a circle of light for everyone
and then no one outside learns of you.

But the darkness pulls in everything-
shapes and fires, animals and myself,
how easily it gathers them! -
powers and people-

and it is possible a great presence is moving near me.

I have faith in nights.


Original language: German

Rainer Maria Rilke

Acquainted With the Night
by Robert Frost.

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain - and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.
I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-bye;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

Why do you want to recognise 'light' or 'shadow' aspies?

I think it's just a fascination about pigeonholing Now that I think better about it, I have to decide whether pigeonholing is on the "light" side or on the "shadow" side of the ASP*. This is a tough decision

*as in "Use the ASP, Luke!"

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

LOL

The fascination, poster above, with categorizing a shadow Aspie in my case comes from the nagging uncertainty you get when you are one.

One day you'll seem like just a maladjusted NT. "If I'm normal," you say to yourself, "then my problems are just something I have to get over." It's not as if you weren't going to work on them, but if you don't make much headway, you just feel like a loser.

Other days you feel undeniably AS, you feel like nothing so much as walking around like Rainman and banging your head and you say, "Would an NT have days like this? Would they have so many, even if they did?" And you are still resolved to work on the problems that stand in your way, but you also figure some of it is going to stay just as it is and you're glad, there's no longer the same pressure to fix yourself and be "normal" and no more the nagging fear that to do what's best for you is to abandon what you have come to regard as your true self in order to make society happy with you. You're not grumpy and rude, you're overloaded and need some quiet time. You're not stupid, you just look at things differently. You're not a social failure, you just can't read body language. You're not a snob, you just can't handle eye contact, you're not antisocial, you just can't handle a lot of noise, you're not being difficult... you just aredifficult.

How many of us who found this as adults have been through this? The endless criticism from those who are supposed to care about us as well as from strangers... all with the result of causing us to spend our lives trying to figure out why we can't carry on a decent conversation unless the other person is REALLY patient and REALLY REALLY tolerant? Analyzing every misunderstanding, every meltdown, every piddling little problem to sort out how we can get over these problems, looking for a reason we got this way.

Too symptomatic to be NT but too well-adjusted for NTs to accept any excuse for not going along with their stupidity. Never diagnosed because of this, never really certain you have it yourself, yet still the traits persist.

Shadow AS.