If I Am Assessed And Am On The Spectrum...

Post Reply New Topic

I would like to try to speak to others who are in positions like school teachers and doctors because I am one who has slipped through the net and I want to explain to them why, so they can have a chance of identifying others be they adults or children who may be going through what I have gone through.

You see my child life at home was a blessing, but my child life in the two schools I was in and then college were experiences that I would never want to go through again, and I would rather those who are going through the same not be educated, then go through that.
I am NOT blaming anyone for my experiences. There were and are great teachers that I have been taught by who were kind to me and I loved and likewize, there were some good pupils who cared... (Even though I tend to have had very few actual friends as some years in school I felt very much alone!).

I am one who masks soo well that I found it puzzling that when I went through the last burnout which hit me hard, others did not know until I later told them after I had returned as a customer months later... And I can't describe my struggles. I mean... How to put feelings into words when somehow there is a dissconnect with some feelings somehow? I don't know as there feels to be something missing somehow so I can't describe things?
And this is why I have desperately been trying to describe what I now know to be shutdowns (Even though I have to wait for the assessment to confirm this) to doctors since I was a teenager up until I found out via the link on my signiture that Save Ferris gave to me where there is a part that describes my shutdowns soo well I had to scroll up as I thought for a moment rhat I had written them! But it has taken so many years of my life to find out what was wrong with me and the past doctors who assumed there was nothing wrong and I was faking it, and prevented me from getting appointments where they limited me to one three minute appointment a year... (I changed doctors since and it feels like the difference between a third world country and a modern one in the way I am treated as these doctors I am now with listen. Some of the old doctors were looking at their watches waiting to say "Next!")...

So it feels important to me if I am found to be on the spectrum to try to communicate to both doctors and school teachers in what I was struggling with and how to identify someone like me.. (And bear in mind that because I was masking my traits and masking just to "Fit in" that I was in great fear of being unmasked, so I tend to live a life of trying not to draw attention to myself by nature of the need to mask and hide. If the term "Wolf in sheeps clothing" was not a negative one, (As in the wolf was not after killing the sheep) then that would very much feel like me).

Now I will do all I can to avoid being the centre of attraction in a gathering so giving a speach in front of others is the last thing I want to do! BUT if I feel a drive to do something which I know has to be done, I will do it. And if I can reach the "Stage" and I talk... If I can start to talk, as starting can be hard when all within me is trying to "Stop words coming out" (Cant think of a word) and I start to talk, I can be on those rare moments a great speaker. But on finishing I have to leave and dissapear as the fuss afterwards of being congratulated is too much. (I hope this makes sense?)

So though it is very rare for me to do it, if I know there is an important cause for me to speak, I will speak even though I am screaming inside to go up to speak... (The strange thing is the few times I have done, when I can focus on speaking it is as if everything else dissapears and I am listening to myself speak (I have had this experience in church when I was asked to speak).

It is a strange experience as it is the total opposite to who I am and the nurves to get there where everything screams inside me... (As long as I don't get a full out shurdown before I reach the stage and begin to speak... I can imagine it! Haha! They would have to have a back up speaker incase).

But I do want to share so I can prevent others through going through what I went through and no, I don't have the answers to what is best, but I can get my voice to be heard. I know I can. It is the complete opposite of me but I know I can!

It is one reason why I need to be assessed. I want to stop others like me from suffering. It is just horrid what I went through, and it did not stop in school as work situations as well, where because they forced me out to be in sales as well as behind the scenes which was neccessary, and I was good at it but inside me I screamed!

But though I know some exposure to things we don't like is neccessary, I want to speak out to protect. As I don't want others to face inward torture like I did. And maybe what I went through was mild compared to others. But still, if I can find some way of speaking out to reach those who need to hear it I will do my best to try!

So I need this assessment. I don't want others to face what I did. I don't want to hide.
All through my life (My adult life. My child life was spent in hiding!) I have felt this question within me saying "If ONLY they knew the real "Me". That would be me speaking through a mask. What I felt like. How I feel. That was before I knew it had a name. It was how I would describe wearing a mask. It is why I could not do acting as all within me wanted to take masks off that I had put on, and I could not get these masks to rip off... And acting feels like heaping even more masks onto me! I ALWAYS had the urge to de-mask and I don't know how!
It maybe why I just can't wear facemasks? I don't know. I just can't wear them. I tried and tried knowing the facemask date was looming up but I would hold my breath and could not breathe! I just couldn't do it! Something mental... Uhmmm.

Anyway... I need to be assessed.

Best of luck in obtaining your assessment; it is a very important first step

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to much of what you expressed. I was diagnosed this year at the age of 56 and it helped me a great deal. However, I am still unsure of what living without a mask means. I have been living with one for so long, it is a behavior of habit.

I have had moments of unmasking. Like you I have been masking for so long and sometimes triple masking as well where the first two masks are automatic having being learned and adapted since a young child onwards until they stuck where I am very rarely able to completely unmask them (I will explain in a bit) and the third layer of masking is a manual mask I developed on top of the others in order to help me fit in.

The times where I have completely unmasked were the rare few days when I have been on my own (Or with people very close to me) and I am in the middle of no where down some scenic path where I know no one else is there so I am not being watched, and I can take in the wonders of nature the way that God intended it... Only rarely have I had the freedom to unmask like this as most of the time I am in such a place I just can't unmask. If I habe something stressful on my mind where I can't relax enough to unmask I just can not get there.


Now the other time I was able to unmask it was not of my doing and it scared me. It was while I was having burnout. I was "Glitching" between masking and unmasking and in a fragile mental state. When the glitch unmasked me it was like I was around five years old and I was walking wierdly kind of on tip toes and like a child. (Worse then that because it was like I was a child but unable to control an adults body so it was like I was learning to walk all over again. I was like a baby deer or a calf trying to walk for the first time. I was all over the place!)
I am very aware I stand out as "Odd" and that people are watching me and I have no control over each glitch when I am in burnout, so I will be trying to avoid going out in public when this happens and I want to hide!

The rare moments I described at first when down a footpath. I am also childlike but I am controlled.

I hope this explains it.

Explaining the three levels of masking I do.
The first is automatically developed ways to fit in. Things like trying to blend in by learning and copying others and trying not to attract attention. I hated being put on the spot. I was very quiet which was the easiest way to blend in. (Also quiet because inwardly I was petrified, so the louder and more missbehaved the classroom was the quieter and withdrawn I was).
The second masking was to mask what I thought were "Annoying habbits" which I was often told off for by teachers or other people. I was highly embarissed when one was exposed. I now know these are known as stimms. I was known as a "Fidgit".
The third masking was an intelligent masking which came off in the form of acting thick with a hidden sense of humour watching through this so I could maintain the mask. This mask was amusing because I enjoyed making people laugh.
This mask was done because I learnt that by acting thick, people would include me as they tried to help me. People like to help and this enabled me a doorway into being accepted. The problem with this mask is that I could only maintain this mask for around two years. If this mask was discovered if cracks started to appear, I found classmates or workmates would feel betrayed and start to turn on me. When in college, I had the whole class of 25 turn on me at the same time and it petrified me. I nearly jumped straight through a classroom window which was about three storeys high as it was over a road below in order to escape. Just before I was about to leap from desk to desk (My only route of escape as the door was blocked by a classmate) to smash through the singlw pane window the lecturer (Teacher) came in and told me off for standing on the desk.
When in work, when this mask started to fade I would quickly find another job and hand in my notice. The time between the unmasking and my actually leaving would be a horrible mental experience.

Anyway. I hope this all makes sense.

Thanks. May be a while yet. Hope it won't be long. I went on the list just before I joined this site so was very late april 2019. They have been very supportive and they realize the waiting is not ideal. They are doing their best. I expect covid has not helped though. Can't be easy for them. I have been impressed though because when I met on an open day (I was in a mess with burnout) it was the first time ever that I found someone who understands. If I wasn't so taken aback in shock, I would have burst into tears!

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 18 Sep 2020, 2:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mountain Goat, that makes perfect sense. It interests me if there is a study on masking between those identified with ASD and then had behavioral therapy and those undiagnosed that just created a mask in response to their environment. I feel like I have a perfectly good mask that was made for a different time and place--kind of like perpetually turning up overdressed for the party.

Yes. Perpetual tuning! Yes.
When I first started school at the age of 4, for the first two years I just stood there and watched. I just observed people to watch how to play. How to be like they were.
I played at home before this but in my own way. But somehow school was all new. Other kids could join in on their first day. It took me years! It was when I was around 7 before I really joined in.