Bad to not want to introduce a new friend to old friends?

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If you've been on this site for the past 2 years, I'm sure you already know how my friends of 10+ years changed when they got into relationships, and how insufferable it feels to be around these couples. Being around one couple is mostly tolerable; they at least treat me with decency. But whenever multiple couples get together, they act like a hybrid of stuffy elderly persons and lovesick high-school kids. For example, one time, the couples spend all evening talking about how they love each other, in that annoyingly cooing tone. It looked like a verbal circle jerk, or a showy attempt to out-compete the other couple. Meanwhile, I sat there, occasionally miming a noose behind my head. Yet when I suggested Cards Against Humanity, in hopes of lightening the atmosphere, they refused. After I got home, I needed to gulp some vodka straight out of the bottle.

At the same time, I have a female friend who's 11 years younger than me. She's one of the nicest, funnest women I ever met, and meshes well with my aspie quirks. She's bubbly and laid-back. And she totally loves Cards Against Humanity. I met her in spring of 2016, and we've been great friends ever since. I told my long-time friends about her, and they suggested that I invite her along to our next hangout. While it's not the same as bringing along a real girlfriend, it'll make me fit in better, from an NT point of view.

But one thing I can't help but feel bad about, is that I don't want to introduce her to my old friends or their SO's. I don't want to expose her to the toxic social dynamics that drive me to drink afterwards. She's a bit fragile of a person. So I feel like one of the two things will happen: (1) she'll get totally intimidated by their behavior, or (2) she'll start wanting the same relationship for herself. So far, I've been hemming and hawing my way out of it---helped by the fact that they live far from her---but I can't keep it up forever. And I know that asking the couples to tone down their behavior around my lady friend will be a lost cause---they get so caught up in each other and the other couple, that all poise and rationality goes out the window.

So what do you suggest? How do I handle this gracefully? Any way to keep old and new friends separate forever?

Hello,
I really sympathise with your plight here. If it were me, I would not introduce her to this group. For me, it's a real nightmare mixing friends. I keep all my friends separate from each other where I can. It's not a disaster if they met, but on the whole it feels sometimes uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that, I have been that way for years. My guess is that you might not enjoy the result of mixing your social groups and it will just cause you more stress and anxiety. Cherish your friendship with this person and keep it separate and special; it's what I would do and for me it works.
Best wishes to you.

The first group of friends you mention sounds like people you spend time with because you have a history, are in close proximity to and have some shared ground together. The second person sounds like a real true friend who you care about because of who she is and what you have together is beyond proximity, history and shared ground - like someone you will want to stay in touch with no matter what. I would treasure that and put that first. Those are the kind of people you want to have in your life. Don't mix them unless you feel absolutely confident that her and you could leave together and have a shared snigger about the evening and leave feeling united rather than divided by the behaviour of the group.

I agree. Although I wonder if my warm feelings toward her, bordering on protective, is due to timing. That is, she came into my life at exactly the right time: when my long-time friends pushed me aside strongly enough for me to notice. Also a couple months after I moved to a new apartment near a train line, with the move being very stressful. And although I'm usually very guarded about letting new people into my life, she was so sweet and nonthreatening (emphasis on the latter part), that I quickly felt at ease with her. She showed sincere enthusiasm in forming a friendship with me, even though her social skills would blow mine out of the water if she met my 23-year-old self. (That is, her age today, while I'm 34.)

Today, mine and her social skills are about even, although our "expertises" are in different areas. I admire her for being bubbly and upbeat in situations where I'd need three shots of vodka to do the same (NT strengths). And she admires me for having good foresight and skepticism in situations where she'd be trusting from the get-go (aspie strengths).

But back to the original topic. A part of me worries that her sweet, nonthreatening persona will get eaten alive by the intense social chemistry between the women in the group. But another part of me worries that she will enjoy it and will want the same kind of relationship for herself. Oh wait, I'm repeating myself. Either way, you and I agree: introducing her to my old friends won't not end well for me.

Timing doesn't make it any less special. I met one of my very best friends the day I moved abroad at 15 years old! We wrote to each other pretty much daily for the best part of a year before we met again. It is now 14 years later and he means more to me than ever.

In fact now that we both have families and still live far apart, I am very glad that our friendship has not been one where we have been forced to meet up again and again with our families in a public setting. Our friendship is one of dark corners and bottles of wine unfettered by time constraints and far removed from enforced chit chat and small talk. I will always treasure it.

Who cares if part of the reason you have a friendship with this lady is due to timing. Heck, all friendships are due to timing because you both have to be alive at the same time. If she was born in 1857 and you were born whenever you were born, the friendship would be a lot cooler and your friend's special interest would center mainly on decomposition (I take requests, folks).

I don't think you should introduce her to your other friends. Just enjoy the friendship and stop analyzing it, for goodness sakes.