Do you ever feel paralyzed?

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First Post. I was diag'd with paranoid schizophrenia in 2008. Thankfully being a medical profressional with an avid interest in removing that stigmatization, particularly in a country (sub-saharan) with no tactful understanding of mental illness, I drew parallels in pathology between autism and schizophrenia

Slowly me and my brother reviewed our history and it become beyond any shadow of a doubt that we were autistic, closer to HFA than genuine Asperger's, 9 laters the first victory came in the form of a corroborated diagnosis from two prominent foreign-trained psychiatrists here. Its still under threat from the original diagnosing physician.

The biggest problem is that it revealed underlying defects that I was religiously and subconsciously compensating for, with immense effort and total secrecy. Not even my family knew I was dyslexic, had trouble with phonological and sequential processing. And the insecurity lead to lashing out in a very, very competitive college environment. Despite the immense difficulty, the complete applicability of signs and symptoms, the very experience I need undeniable evidence of the dyslexia (words do shift, but I need confirmation in an environment which gives little to no medical consideration for it).

The problem beyond is the physical reaction to it. Immense nerve-wracking stress. Stomach contractions which sometimes apply so much pressure to my spleen I suffer pain for a few days and breathing difficulties. The immense and absolute fear of embarrassment in every, sentence I utter. That is not an exaggeration. Every single conversation, sentence, written or spoken must be prepared for, errors anticipated, reevaluated for any areas of possible ridicule or mockery. After spending and losing my teens and twenties in it, I am exhausted and feel defeated. Beaten down to the very core.

I sought help in 4chan and found some wonderful people. But I sought vindication within the system, particularly with the immigrant crises and obvious perception of criminal elements within it, that would help with this. The results were overwhelmingly great and a lot of them helped me where my family couldn't. I needed acceptance in a system like that because ostracization dominates my social life to this day and I needed a reference I couldn't find here.

I apologize if my English is poor, I rarely speak to anyone or subvocalize and when I do it feels completely unnatural and stressful. Temple Grandin said it best.

I have experienced sleep paralysis, and also the more common difficulties about deciding what to say or do.
Welcome to the forum, and congratulations on your great perserverence already.

Thank you and I really appreciate your response. I experienced sleep paralysis a lot during my childhood, now its this intense thought block while awake, and anxiety that owns me like a 'vice grip'. The psychiatrists for some reason are insistent on some other psychiatric illness, schizoaffective disorder, schizo, depression, etc. They have this absolute need to find a target to medicate otherwise they feel they're failing or insecure.

Being a psychiatric patient as a doctor is the greatest advantage or blessing because when you read the textbooks before every session and sit down, you can see the thought process. You can see where they're going and parry any attempts to cornering you into a diagnosis and quick treatment.

Avoiding a diagnosis was the main survival skill I picked up from my mother. Even at age twelve, I could "see" a shrink starting to form an opinion, and then change to frustrate that line. These days, they may resist the correct diagnosis because they would rather deal with something they can claim to help with, or at least get kickbacks from prescriptions. However, having AS does not prevent other conditions like PTSD, which can also be paralyzing. In general, doctors are useless at picking out a combination of recognized conditions.