Our Autistic child! Advice pls

Post Reply New Topic

Two of us have only one child and just turned 4. Been going to public school Pre-K Special ED class.

He was diagnosed with Autism at around 2 years old. We go see (OT)=occupational therapist & (ST)= speech therapist every week outside of school and the school also provides 30 mins of OT & ST every week as part of (IEP)= individualized education program. His class hour is just less then 3 hrs.
I was recently able to start doing potty training using seats and he would go when ask with us and wants us to read books for him while doing potty. He doesn't pee or poop in toilet seat and the potty all the time though. Maybe he needs to get very used to it.

He is good kid. smiles, playful. But recently the school, his teacher sent us a note saying "he is throwing toys". Yesterday, I saw a note in his backpack saying "he is mad and that he is scratching".

He has been going to special ed prek for almost a year now and no complaints from the teacher until recently.

At home, he is playful, attentive, smiles and laughs when we play. He eats breakfast at home and goes to the school bus with help of bud aide with other special needs students that are in the bus. he would not cry or complain and he is NOT MAD at us. The therapists that we take our child outside of school loves my child.

At home, he would sometimes throw papers down, laughing and smiling, seeing how it flies or drops. He rarely ever scratches us. Regarding the scratching issue the teacher is raising, I can only think of one time scratching my wrist while he was smiling and laughing when putting on his pant.

So I think the school teacher us making big issue here. I replied via email saying, as you know he is a 3 year old with AS and that she consult with the OT & SP that is at the school about the issues she is raising and they may guide her and fellow teacher in his special ed class room. The IEP law requires special ED teacher consult and work together with therapists to help special ed students like him.
I also replied saying he is not doing to us what you are describing and to us he has been playful and nice kid at home. She replied back saying " DON'T LET HIM SCRATCH YOU AT HOME AND STOP HIM FROM DOING IT. I once again replied, we can only remember scratching us once on our wrist and of course we shout NO and gently hit on on his hand and that we are responsible parents.

I called and spoke to his school OT and explained to her about the notes the teacher is sending us, the school OT said, this is all sensory issue and kids of AS can sometimes do this and also his class room has 3 new students now and maybe my son is not adjusting well to new things. The school OT says whenever he sees my child at the school, he listens to her, playful and active.


Now I just got a mail from school, saying he is throwing this and scratching that.

What should I tell them now?


You know as a parent, I too can raise issues such as they not helping him eat school meals and other matters too but so far I have NEVER complained to them or bothered about anything. I have stayed clam and cool.

You may be dealing with teachers who expect every child to turn out just the same. You may need a political revolution to get rid of that trend, but you may also be able to negotiate some leeway for your child. Toys for tots should be throwable, for Pete's sake! For scratching, keep his nails short?

I don't understand this. What does the school expect you to do about it?
Are they angling to throw your child out?
If so, that's so unfair, especially as it sounds like the problem might be as much to do with an ignorant teacher than your son.
The only thing I can think of is to meet the teacher in person and have a face-to-face discussion of what exactly the issue is, and what each of you might do to improve things. Avoid back-and-forth emails, which might only escalate the issue.

I'd recommend you respond to their mailing by sending a certified letter and keep a copy of the letter you send. That way you have evidence of the contents of the letter and also that the letter was received. You should probably reiterate what you told the teacher about how your child is non-violent at home. I'm not sure you need to include the scratching incident since, if I read correctly, it wasn't an act of aggression.

I would then recommend you list the concerns you have with the school including the things you held back before. Not so much because "the best defense is an offense", but just to get on record that this is a two-way street where no side is "perfect". I'd finish by requesting a meeting with both the principal and the teacher present. You should be prepared to voice your concerns and also ask them (in a nice way), how you can contribute to ensuring your child can be successful in their school. While this would seem to be an attempt on your part to cooperate, you are actually putting the burden on them to give you suggestions. As long as those suggestions are reasonable, I'd recommend you follow them.

Basically, you need to take away their ability to blame you as parents. You do this by pointing out things are fine at home and than following whatever suggestions they have in mind. Than you ask them what they can do to address your concerns. I know this could be stressful, but I think it would bring the focus back on the best interests of the child instead of an unproductive game of blame that is occurring now.

Good luck with whatever you do, I hope things improve!

I agree that it's the school that needs to chill out.
I've worked as a teacher for kids in that age, and the only time I would contact parents about a child's behaviour was if they were seriously inflicting damage, like repeatedly injuring other children or teachers. Throwing toys and scratching doesn't even get close.

I wonder what exactly to write? My English is not that good. What I would want to say is like you guys mentioned! What they described is not any serious matter cos first he is a toddler and second he is a special needs child with AS and he is is class room category called specia education. They should know better about how to work with this type of kids. He is not bad or violent they like are trying to sound etc. maybe he is not getting better attention care and he maybe spending time throwing toys and the scratching thing is not an aggressive act cos we as a parent know this . He is not what they write in note in his back pack He was MAD that day blah blah. Any samples you can provide?

I'll tell you what. You go ahead and reply to me with your concerns in the way you can and I'll write you a letter that will be effective.

So just list your concerns you had with the school however you can and I'll help you make it into a formal letter you can send to the school.

Just to sort of give you an idea of how the letter would go:

I understand you have some concerns about my (name of son's) behavior at school, and I thank you for bringing that to my attention. I look forward to actively working with all concerned in both the welfare and education of my son.

While (name of son) has not exhibited any signs violent outbursts at home, I understand there is a concern about his behavior at school. Of course, since my son is autistic, he has a unique set of challenges that present opportunities for improving how he is educated. If we work together, I am confident I can also do my part at home to support any efforts to improve the support my son is provided so he can embrace the learning process and reduce any behavioral barriers he might be displaying at school.

For the best interest of my (name of son), I'd also like to take the opportunity to bring up some concerns about some events that have taken place in the past. (List concerns).

I plan to take an active role in my son's education because I know that is just as important to his success as the role his school takes in him receiving an effective education. I would like to meet with (name of teacher) and (name of principal) at a time that is mutually convenient so we can discuss improvements in support (name of son) can receive at both home and school. I'm sure we can have a constructive conversation that will allow for me to take on a more active role in my son's education, and also an effective change in how my son's education is managed at school.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

My concerns and things I wanted to mention are, My child is gentle, attentive Playful smiling and likes to play with someone and likes to sit to read books and listens to book reading . My son is almost non verbal with big speech delay and he occasionally makes loud noise with loud mouth wide open when he is excited or happy. He likes doing puzzles and playing with toys . He sometimes playfully throw toys , books or papers on floor not as an aggressive manner but laughing and looking , listening at the sound of things dropping. He is always curious. His other set of challenges are not being able to swallow dry solid food and he is not yet fully toilet trained. We have started doing potty trainings at home. We used to use potty chairs but now he is turning 4, we use regular toilet with kids potty seat and step stool and we frequently take him to try to get him used to it. and he is playful to people who pamper him change his diaper or put on his clothes and during those things he may scratch back of our hand or wrists while smiling but he doesn’t do this in aggressive manner and he doesn’t keep scratching . It has not caused us any injury or any permanent marks. Whenever he is new to new things it takes some times for him to get used to it and on first few occasions he may fee unhappy ,upset and makes noise to express his unhappy feelings. But we use different ways to get him used to it and then he would love the things he wasn’t happy before. As a special needs child, as a child with autism spectrum, he is different from any other regular people or children. Also even among kids with AS, they are different and they exhibit different behavior to express their feelings or happiness. Not all regular kids and also Not all AS kids are same. This is what any caregivers for kids with AS and other delays or special education teachers should be mindful of. Patience and knowledge is the key. One thing I as a parents know and people my kids know and the therapists that we take my child to know is that he is a gentle, loving kid and never an aggressive kid. He wouldn’t even cry or make noise when we take him to the morning school bus. He knows his routines. When he comes come , he is smiling and calls me papa papa mama which means he wants to see mama. The school teacher can help him with his potty at the class room toilet. I know they change his diaper the moment before school ends. I don’t expect them to be baby sitters but they can help with compassion . I noticed that he NEVER eats school meals. I know this by what they told us during report card pick up few months ago and also in the notes they send everyday in his backpack. On what he ate , it is always checked NOTHING. I have been seeing NOTHING except for LITTLE two times in last 12 months .He has been going to school for almost a year now and I know his class is only 2 and half hours and the school has breakfast and lunch but the school can make smal effort to get him to eat and drink. My child just needs support, love and care and with these he will even be a better person than what he already is now. The teachers can be friendly to us as parents and with understanding between parents and teachers would be nice. Parents has important role in his education and class room time because the IEP law gives parents equal say in quality care and education of special needs child like my child . The IEP requires special education teachers and school therapists = occupational therapist & speech therapist to consult on weekly or quarterly about my child. I believe they as special Ed teacher are trained to handle , deal and teach special needs child like my child with care understanding and love. Just recently they would sometimes send a little note in his back pack saying he is throwing toys, and he is scratching. These notes won’t do much to anyone of us. First of all I am not a magician and don’t have heating power to transform special needs kid to something else. Secondly he doesn’t show any MAD behavior like they wrote and he is never violent to us at home.

To Whom It May Concern:

We understand you have some concerns about our (name of son's) behavior at school, and we thank you for bringing that to our attention. Since our son is diagnosed as autistic, he has a unique set of challenges we are confident we can work together to address. We look forward to actively working with all concerned in improving both the welfare and education of our son.

At home (name of son) is very gentle, attentive, and always smiling. He loves to sit and read books and smiles constantly. So, we are sure you'll understand that we are surprised and concerned by the behavioral issues you have indicated our son exhibits while at school.

For the best interest of (name of son), we'd also like to take the opportunity to bring up some concerns about some events that have taken place in the past, as well as some challenges he currently has. Our son is almost completely non-verbal with significant speech delays that makes his ability to communicate with both his peers and educators very difficult. Being in an environment with a lot of other children and with a set of expectations to meet in order to attain certain educational goals would prove stressful to a child who meets normal developmental/age appropriate goals, but is significantly more stressful for our son due to his aforementioned developmental delays.

Likewise, as we know you are aware, our child is still not fully toilet trained, and while we as parents have worked hard on improving this, more time and effort is needed before our son will be fully toilet trained. In the meantime, we are concerned that educators involved in our son's well-being wait until the end of the day to change our son's diaper. We can discuss options in person, but perhaps a teacher can go to the bathroom with our son to assist him with toileting.

Our other concern is that our son has difficulty swallowing dry food, and is not eating the food provided to him at school. This is brought to our attention because your school kindly sends home a daily progress note that indicates our child did not eat any of his food.

As to the behavioral issues you have brought to our attention, we believe only being informed about the issues isn't enough to establish a change in behavior. We believe that our son's home environment is supportive, and does not promote any form of violence, so we need to know as parents how we can best support your school to make necessary changes to improve our son's behavior there. Again, we can discuss this more in person, but perhaps there are additional resources that can be provided by your school or outside agencies so our son works with experts more familiar with autism such as occupational therapists, speech therapists, etc.

We plan to continue to take an active role in our son's education because we know that is just as important to his success as the role his school takes in him receiving an effective education. We would like to meet with (name of teacher) and (name of principal) at a time that is mutually convenient so we can discuss improvements in support (name of son) can receive at both home and school. We are sure we can have a constructive conversation that will allow for us to continue to take an active role in our son's education, but also with effective changes in how our son's education is managed at school as well.

Sincerely,

(Name of both parents)

So, you don't want to include everything that you mentioned, but I replaced it with some generalizations that will work fine. Also, both of you, as parents, are "in the picture", I changed the letter to reflect that it is coming from both parents. That only makes the letter even more effective as it shows the child is getting more home support.

I hope this helps. Feel free to make any changes you want. For instance, you could replace all references to "our son" with the name of your son.

Last edited by AspieSingleDad on 21 Jan 2018, 7:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.

wow that is nice letter. I have annual IEP meeting with school staffs like special ed teachers , school therapists and also senior municipal public office school agents next week and I will include this letter on the record. The IEP is to determine his education goals and this happens every year for those public school students in special education class. This is a federal law as rights for disabled students and all state and city public school must follow. My question to you is, Should I also write he sees other therapists outside of school and he is happy and they like him and they have zero issues about any behavior. I want to dismiss their nonsense about his behavior or throwing thiis or that or scratching and make them feel like we are very surprised that they should be taking better care of him and not make an issue out of almost nothing. I spoke to the school therapists on Friday and she too said he is nice kid and things or throwing toys sometimes or scratching maybe due to sensory issues and also there are 2 or 3 new students in his class now and maybe they need to work to get him better
Adjusted . If they are teaching , doing projects and playing with him, why would he get time to throw toys? Even if throws one time , they can just not let him throw by taking the toy away . This shouldn’t be an issue that should be raised.

You can definitely add that he is currently getting therapy support and list what type of support he's receiving and add that to the letter. You can also add that you spoke to an expert about his behavior. I would not write in the letter that you believe his behavioral issues are due to sensory issues, but I would talk about it with them in person. The reason to NOT add it to the letter is because it could be used by educators to say that you are making excuses for your son's poor behavior.

I'd recommend going to the post office and requesting they mail the letter as certified mail instead of bringing the letter to that meeting in person. The reason for this is because you want to give the school time to prepare for any meeting you have. That will make the meeting more productive.

I would suggest you not say anything like you believe the teacher is exaggerating your son's behavior, or that your son's behavior can't be all that bad, because that will just make the school more defensive and it won't really add to finding a solution to your concerns. This is all about getting your son the best education possible in the most supportive environment possible, and it's also about getting the school off your ass since it sounds like you are already doing everything YOU can to support your son. If the school wants to blame anybody about your son's behavior AT SCHOOL, perhaps the school should BLAME THEMSELVES. Just don't say anything like that, LOL.

My 2 cents. Aspiesingledad knows what he is talking about and has made excellent suggestions and the letter he suggested is excellent.

There are a couple of other places you can go to get local help with your advocacy. In some states, there are professional advocates who will come with you to school meetings. They know the law. In my state, their presence at a meeting forces the school to take the parents' concerns more seriously. You can also contact your state's disability rights organization. They have information on the laws that protect your child and also have advocates who can help.

The thing I focus on when in challenging situations, is to always bring the attention back to the child. This isn't about parents, teachers, therapists; it is about the child and what we can all do to make his life better.

It is worth your time to learn these skills, because you will be using them frequently over the next 18 years. Some teachers and staff will be so excellent you'll want to hug them. Others are short-sighted and slow on the uptake and some are just marking time.

Good luck!

in order to price their nonsense, I can also add hat we do take him out indoor kids play areas with many other kids and parents where he would spend hours and he has never bothered any other kids. Unlike other kids of his age who would push around and even push my child child, he doesn’t fight back. He doesn’t throw anything at them. If he is hurt or unhappy when there is pushing and shoving he just cries. How will you add this in better English? Thanks

Sorry for typo I mean the to “prove their nonsense”

thanks for the suggestions but it Maybe too late to look for disability advocates at this time. I don’t know even where and if it paid service . since his next IEP meeting is only 8 days away. But I have speech therapy appointment with his therapist that we go see and I already called her to write something like a recommendation to bring it to the IEP meeting. That should help something right?