Narcissistic abuse when you're on the spectrum

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Anyone who has been on the receiving group end of narcissistic abuse, whether it's from family or an ex partner, I need to talk to someone who understands, and maybe can help me figure out a way out. I get the feeling that being on the spectrum makes someone an easy target for narcissistic abuse in any case.

I'm 36 next month, and it's been a lifelong pattern for me that I get bullied easily, and the bullies never get punished, while I get punished for reacting. And there's a few extreme circumstances I can name in my lifetime where I have been groped and sexually violated, and the person doing it got away with it because I was judged as mentally unstable and therefore making it up.

Now, my son, who is also on the spectrum, is suffering to make a long story short. I know all too well what it's like to be a kid on the spectrum raised by narcissistic parents, and the legal system has basically given my son to my narcissistic ex and cut me out of the picture. If I try to protect him, I'm not believed, because I'm judged as crazy.

Does anyone know how I feel?

https://theestablishment.co/we-need-to- ... f294504a13

And this is a really good read by the way. I just tried to do a Google search about narcissistic abuse toward those on the spectrum, but besides this link, all I got are links saying people on the spectrum are narcissistic, with one website even called Heartless Asperger's! Actually most of the people I've known in my lifetime on the spectrum are nice people who are kinder than others thanks to being highly sensitive, but admittedly are usually misunderstood.

I wish I had helpful words for you. But I don't. My Father is a narcissist. My parents are still married. They've been together 46 years. I genuinely wish my Mother had left him and taken us with her. She would've been much happier, and I would've testified against him and told any judge about all of the abuse. He's a heartless, selfish dirtbag.

As I have pointed out before, that "Heartless Asperger's" website was made by a woman who was in a relationship with a man for one year...that is 12 months, who she claims had AS, and there is no way to submit content or contact the author, so I really think that makes the individual herself suspect. She meets someone she isn't happy with because he doesn't empathize with her or is emotionally unavailable and instead of breaking it off before she becomes so distressed, she continues on until she is so upset she has to make an entire website to vent? It's important for people to receive emotional support in relationships of course, but if this website were by a man who was upset that his ex-girlfriend of one year didn't give him sex (which is often equally important to men as empathy from men is to women) how would he come across? Controlling and entitled. Not because it's wrong for him to have a need for sex, but because he could have left and he instead decided to stay and demand it. This woman who made this website could have left when she realized her partner of..at the time less than a year, could not or would not meet her emotional needs.

What is her diagnosis?

Last edited by Chronos on 27 Jan 2018, 7:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes Shakti, I have also been the target of a tremendous amount of narcissistic abuse -
usually from NTs. I have been also been sexually violated when I was a very young guy and once again during my 20s. It takes a certain kind of person that can really sense when someone is mentally disabled and actually finds the will to take advantage of them. There have been many NTs like this throughout my life and it has created one excruciating experience after another for me in my 42 years on this wretched planet.

Reading through these forums I have also come to learn that standing up for oneself is something that ASDs seem to have a great deal of difficulty with, me included, perhaps you as well. This makes people like us a huge target for bullying. It is a very lonely feeling when you are bullied especially in a workplace environment when all you want is for things to go well and to simply get along with everybody NT or not.

I have found that being aggressive towards people tends to scare off the bullies but this can also have detrimental side effects which I still haven't been able to resolve. I'm still trying to find a delicate balance between not being bullied and simply getting people to leave you alone.

When dealing with people with cluster B personality disorders on the subject of child custody, it's important to remain calm and document everything. Decisions of custody ultimately come down to the court and it's important not to provide any fodder for your ex to use against you.

Exactly what did he present to the court to substantiate that you are unfit?

In my first proper job I was specifically targeted by the boss who was a narcissist because I was socially inept and had been abused in the past. He took advantage of the fact that I couldn't read social cues, was very naive and unable to stand up for myself. He mentally, physically and sexually abused me for a year until I left. He would 'reward' me for things he liked and punish me for actions he didn't like. It's taken years of therapy to get my life back after that.

I think we are easy victims to them, we believe their lies and because finding someone who seems to understand is so hard we allow them to treat is horribly just for a bit of kindness. As my parents were abusive I didn't know I could say 'no' without serious consequences so I never said it and he convinced me it was because I liked it. Also because I struggle to show emotions on my face he would just take it as consent without asking.

I'm on this website because my narcissistic mother claimed that I'm autistic, therefore misinterpreting what happened, as apparently that would lead to me not understanding cause and effect. As though things would be any better jumbled up in a different order. Since a colleague also talked to me (empathetically) about how I'm like her previous colleague who was diagnosed with Asperger's, I guess my Mum's half-right.

I suspect that autism would make one more vulnerable. It is easier to manipulate somebody who doesn't quite understand the social context, and doesn't know how to respond to it.

I have found https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/ to be helpful, in learning what's considered appropriate for a partner to be doing, and snapped me out of a manipulative partner I was with.

I was groomed for the first few years of my life until 1974 and from Easter 1974. I suffered horrendous physical abuse from my dad and emotional abuse from my mum for years. I also noticed from a certain age there would be two sets of rules, one set for me and another set of rules for the others. During the years of grooming (not sexual behaviour but a behaviour to gain trust by pretending to love the victim or feign kindness. Why? Because my mum and dad thought I had an IQ of about 27 assumed because there was no IQ test done at that age because doctors had prescribed valium to lower my intelligence for class related reason (From a working class Anglo Irish family). Couldn't have anyone autistic from such a background developing the skills of independent thought but that was exactly what I did. Whilst I was in the special needs school for children with severe or profound learning disabilities (Americans call Intellectual Disability) I taught myself to read and count. My mum insists that it was her 'pushing me' after I come off the prescription drugs but I taught myself but what I did get out of it ( the ABA type stuff was epilepsy and a form of anxiety. Easter 1974 things changed all of a sudden for the opposite. I was blamed for every mistake the family made and also emigration to South Africa falling through was blamed on me and the cost of the benzodiazpines the doctors used to attenuate my intelligence. The abuse got much worse physically and emotionally when I had an IQ of 137 which was tested by an educational psychologist. The New mainstream school was just as bad as home. My dad was always saying how disappointed he was in me and my mum was no better. If I done something good then it was taken for granted and that was how it was out of the special needs system. Also from about 7 or 8 onwards there was no any showing of love or appreciation it was all about the others.

Now looking back on that forty years or more later. If people including my parents thought I was either lying, making things up, being manipulative (which requires allistic social skills), being a troublemaker, bad influence I have also been accused of as well. I am no influence on anyone either good or bad. I don't know where allistic people get that idea and have been accused of having a behaviour problem when I have Asperger syndrome and likely traits of ADHD but may be linked to mental acceleration as co morbid with Asperger syndrome. I have also been accused of making excuses but all I hear from allistic people including the well meaning ones is excuses like I am a lesser person.

Narcissistic abuse and bullying related to it directed towards autistic people especially in an allistic world that won't let us say no. Also when autistic people are not believed or taken seriously when I say that aspiphobia was a form of applied racism and that discrimination against people with learning disabilities neurobigotry is a form of applied anti Semitism even if it is not as simple as that just because of shared experiences. I now prefer to have autistic friends they don't try to con you or abuse you and if they do you an see it coming it is not so simple with people on the neurotypical spectrum. When you are not believed anything can happen to you such as all forms of abuse and neglect whether the abuser has a personality disorder or not.

I have been victimised by my narcissistic stepfather since 2006. He hates the fact that I have Asperger Syndrome and does everything he can to make my life miserable. He bullies me, thinks I'm useless and worst of all won't understand my condition and just accuses me of being stupid, lazy and having an attitude problem. He is nothing but a selfish pig who doesn't care about other people's feelings. He enjoys upsetting me and when I try to stand up to him, he becomes aggressive and threatens me.

I don't know why mum married him. Unless she was just using him for money. My stepdad is greedy when it comes to money and takes up most of Jobseekers Allowance money for rent leaving me with only £60 to spend. Does he care? No. Does he listen to me if I disagree with something? No.

He gets worked up over everything. He is just one great big grumpy pants! I am so fed up with him. The only person who cares about my pain is my boyfriend.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, my heart goes out to anyone experiencing this. And it does confirm the suspicion that I had, that those on the spectrum are easy targets for narcissists. Like for example in the case of sexual abuse, multiple people in my lifetime have gotten away with sexually abusing me by claiming that I was imagining it because of my mental health issues, and even the legal authorities would believe them. I've read somewhere too that pedophiles often single out non-verbal autistic victims, as they won't tell anyone. It's a very sick world we live in, and it scares the hell out of me seeing as my son is 4 in a week, has a diagnosis of autism and is not verbal, and was sent to live with his narcissistic father. I've had a lot of meltdowns, especially from my C-PTSD being retriggered by treatment from my ex and from this custody battle, while my ex is very good as coming across as calm, cool, collected, and charismatic. He's all too good at getting people to feel sorry for him.

This could easily highlight an important priority for those of us who are on the spectrum that isn't talked about enough, learning how to identify narcissists, and stay far away. Definitely don't form romantic relationships with narcissists, or those of you who are reading this who are in a relationship, good idea to screen your partner to make sure they aren't a narcissist, and if they are, run. Also to learn all about what gaslighting is, since I think we're way easier than neurotypicals to gaslight. Or in the case of ones we can't avoid like family and bosses, how to establish appropriate boundaries with them.

I also read that in families with narcissistic parents, a child on the spectrum almost always ends up in the role of scapegoat. This certainly rings true for me, and other friends on the spectrum I've talked to about this who had bad parents.

I just realized what could be one of the most overlooked cues to detect a narcissist. Next time you date someone from a dysfunctional family, find out were they in the role of golden child or scapegoat. If they were a golden child they were likely a narcissist, as to have that role you can't have boundaries against narcissistic parents. Those in the role of scapegoat see clearly that how they were treated was wrong, so they consciously choose not to repeat that cycle with the next generation.

We need a #MeToo type movement for autistics. That would most definitely include those "treated" by ABA.

I also cannot help as I'm currently dealing with a similar issue... My mother I swear is a huge narcissist, disrespects me and treats me as inferior for being the way I am. A verbal abusive mother, a hoarder and so forth. I just want to get away from her! It's been like this for years and I'm uncomfortable to call her my mother or family. The only people I can truly call as my family are my friends. It's kind of the reason why I decided to join this website. That and because me and a friend of mine believe that I could be autistic in some way. I would still need an official diagnosis.

I hope things work out for you.

Last edited by MariaTheFictionkin on 27 Jan 2018, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, people need to stop treating us like we're diseased, we just think outside the square in a way that a lot of "normal" people are intimidated by. I constantly feel like I was born a few centuries too early. It's no measure of good mental health to adjust to a sick society.

Narcissistic abuse is a topic that interests me. I believe my mother is a narcissist & my father undiagnosed asd (which may sometimes seem like narcissism on the surface). My mother’s mother was a also a narcissist. I used to seek out relationships with narcissists to perpetuate the pattern. Co-narcissism. It was familiar to me, after all.

I’m living with my parents again after nervous breakdown #2. It’s a blessing & a curse. On the one hand, I’m being given an opportunity & motivation to work on my various & sundry issues while avoiding homelessness. On the other hand, I’m living with my parents again.

Emotional regulation is important to me as a human with chronic diagnosed mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, & agoraphobia) & possible undiagnosed asd. We cannot control other humans; we have our hands full controlling ourselves.

Are there sexual assault survivor support groups where you are? It’s understandable to have difficulties with emotional regulation when you are carrying so many overwhelming feelings. It’s a long & winding road.