Convince me to accept my Asperger's.

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Seriously. Try to convince me to accept having this abhorrent condition that has devastated me in my life. I'm 20 years old, I have never had a girlfriend, never had a good friend. I have never been competent in a social environment. Always had difficulties blending in with the rest, even then I stick out like a tumor.

I have sensory processing complications. I can't tolerate sounds. I can't tolerate certain lights. I can't process auditory information properly meaning that I'm unable to retain 90% of the information provided to me by someone speaking with me in front of my asymmetric face.

People talk about high functioning autists as if they are geniuses, have unparalleled abilities, especially in their interests. Yet here I am, no talent. No interests. Not good at anything.

So, give me one reason to be "happy" with this condition. It's nothing but a pain in the ass and it causes complications. It does not in any way elevate some tension off my life.

What are you good at?

Well, it seems Aspies benefit from some sort of order and feel better organizing things. Before I knew anything about ASD I started a new hobby: planning. I bought a fancy bullet journal, structured my year, wrote my goals and plans for each month, planned a trip (that trip was a success) and also established that every week I had to wander in the city exploring and searching for places I've never been to. Decorated it, illustrated, doodled. Looking back I can tell it was a very ASD thing to do. It made me feel meaningful, happy, productive.
You seem depressed, and now I'm also kinda depressed and abandoned the journal. I know that structure and pre-planning makes me happy. Maybe you should try?

It helps because you write there challenging things to do and make promise to yourself.
I also like exploring nature. But even getting out of my house needs some mental preparation, and if there's a goal to do, you're more likely to actually do the thing.

You don't have to be perfect for other people. If you like what you study and nature, just go on and at some point you will find yourself at a better place.

Maybe it's not a good example but there's this guy I think I have feelings for. He does a lot of things, among all, he draws. In my opinion, he has a lot to work on and I would do better in drawing but he doesn't stop. Being imperfect is OK. Noone is perfect in the beginning.

I often feel my life is pointless but again, there are hobbies and things that make me happy.

And I don't know if I can disprove your claims that ASD makes you unhappy because there are different types of ASD and everyone feels it their own way.

Hate to say it, but I'm afraid you don't have a choice. Well actually you do, but it's a sh***y one. Either you accept yourself for who you are (don't worry, plenty of NTs struggle with this concept too-it's why advertising works.), or you spend the rest of your life hating yourself and wishing you could be somebody else.
I used to go to sleep every night wishing that I'd wake up 'normal' so that I could like myself and so that people would stop picking on me all the time. I spent most of my life like this. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I had to learn to love myself because I'm the only person who has to. And it's a process. And I'm not there yet. And also that most people are irritatingly stupid and being around them is exhausting. For those of us whose parents tried to 'cure' them, even [i]being[i] ourselves is an act of defiance, so it's understandable that the idea of accepting yourself is difficult.
My advice would be to stop comparing yourself to other people-especially NT people-and judging your own life by the yardstick of what you are 'supposed' to have. If you want friends, then a.) think about what you are interested in, and b.) find people who share those interests so that you have something to talk about (I don't necessarily mean face to face either-it's what the internet is for!)
If your sensory issues hinder you (you are not alone), then try to find coping strategies that work for you (for me, noise cancelling headphones+tunes=being able to get the bus into town and do the things I need to do without needing several days to recover. Finding clothes that are comfortable to wear-who cares what they look like if they mean losing fewer spoons to sensory disturbance! Sunglasses, even when it's winter in Scotland. Closing my eyes so I can listen to people better-that one means having to explain why I'm doing it, but IME most people that are worth bothering with appreciate the fact that I'm trying to listen to them more than they care about what it looks like.) Instead of seeing them as weaknesses, try recognising that going out in the world in spite of all the issues that you have means that you are HARDCORE. See your coping strategies as evidence of your superior problem solving ability. And take pride in it.
You're 20 and at university. That means that you're doing a lot better than me (98th percentile IQ, kicked out of just about every school I've ever been to. Including just recently as an adult for reasons that I still haven't had explained adequately. I was getting straight As, managing to go in every morning in clothes that I hadn't slept in and sometimes even making polite small talk with some of my classmates.) and a lot of other people on this forum (I know I just said to stop comparing yourself to other people, but sometimes it's good to remember that you could be doing worse than you are-my journey towards self acceptance started with 'at least I'm not that guy'-that guy being an NT bully who nobody liked.)
Be kind to yourself-you are the only person who has to.
Accept yourself and learn to be happy with who you are, because life is better if you do. It is also subversive-imagine how many industries would go out of business if everyone decided that they were ok being who they were and didn't feel the need to impress other people!
Self esteem is not something that is innate; it is a skill that we hone and practice over the course of our lives. It's a lot easier to learn if you have a chance to learn it when you are young, but it's never too late to start. It's essential because without self esteem it's all too easy to become psychopath bait.

I used to feel the same way but then I came to the conclusion that this was the hand I was dealt so I'll make the best of it. There is a lot of people that have worse situations so be thankful that your mental faculties are OK and get on with life

I've only known about my Asperger's for a couple of years. I'd suspect I had it and then convince myself I didn't, but when I had difficulties at college I finally accepted my diagnosis. Now it's been a process of acceptance that has come gradually. But whenever I'd have difficulty with something that NTs seemed to be able to do easily, I'd still learn how to do it and than it would be in my skill set for later. I found that many things I did, I did better than NTs.

You'll find that you might not have some absolutely amazing talent like Albert Einstein, but you'll definitely have strengths and interests. You're young, and you should focus on discovering yourself. Don't assume that you should go into the I.T. field or math field, you'd basically be stereotyping yourself. Go ahead and take different types of courses and see what you're really good at and what interests you. Maybe you'll be good at being creative.

As for learning, I always thought I was bad at it until I learned that I needed to be very repetitive when learning new material in school. I needed to constantly drill myself on new terminology and understand the context in various ways before I'd really be able to file the information into my long term memory. For an autistic, that's pretty normal. Once the information was there, I'd fully grasp the material, and no matter how a question was worded, I'd be able to get the right answer. So, you need to really figure out how you learn best, don't assume that you simply CAN'T learn.

A question:

All the normals I have met in my life think that if you fail at something it means you are a bad person and should beat yourself up.

In reality all failure means is that you had a go at something and it didn't work. You also have the option of trying other approaches and other methods of achieving the result you are seeking instead of beating yourself up emotionally. Methods that are far more productive than doing a 'shakespeare' as I call it (overdramatising emotionally).

Alas....

To my mind failure means i found a method that didnt work...there are plenty of other methods to have a go at!

Yet the so called normals are incapable of figuring this out!

I have spent years listening to these so called 'normals' telling me not to beat myself up when i make a boo boo when in actual fact my mind goes straight to 'ok what happened here then and how can i change it?'.

Normals are intellectually stunted obviously as they cant figure out there are other options rather than shoving their head up the arse of their f*****g ego all day.

Whom in their right f*****g mind would want to be like that?

Sorry, this is going to sound patronising. It is very unlikely that at 20 you know what skills you have especially those less expected ones due to you being an Asperger. At 20 I thought I was a quitter, at 43 I know that I am the most stubbornly determined person that I know. I haven't changed, I just recognise the difference between things that are important to me when I am judging myself through my own eyes and things that only matter when I'm seeing myself as other's see me. Bloody mindedness is the Aspie trait that most positively affects my life, it helps me go in the direction I want to go in, and it helps me resist going in the direction other people want to put me.

I'm a writer, I used to think that the best writers were the ones who ended up published. Now I know that more than 99% of writer fall away due to a lack of perseverance. The best ones are only judged out of those who are the most determined. Writing is an extreme example but all careers do this to some degree, it's worth thinking about.

I'm not a genius. I have no "unparalleled" abilities in anything.

Yet I'm still on the Spectrum.

Autism can be quite an irritating thing----but I don't feel ashamed in the least for being an autistic person.

I believe the most essential part of "accepting" your Asperger's is knowing how to adapt to the wider world. And to know that you are at least as worthy as the next person. And to demand the respect that others give other people (in a nice way, of course!)

I don't find Asperger's/autism, in and of itself, to be "acceptable" or "unacceptable."

Here's a question: Why do you see the need to fit/blend in? What exactly is the point of this?

If you think it's going to get you friends/companionship, you might want to think again.

Something that I, and probably ALOT of us here, have observed is that alot of people out there in so-called "normal" society are.... very "fake" in alot of ways. You get alot of friendships and relationships that arent *truly* based on the important stuff, but are mostly just held to make someone look more socially acceptable. As someone that never gave a flying fart about being socially acceptable, it's really easy for me to see when this is the case (and thus, also really easy for me to predict inevitable problems that someone is soon going to be having with some "friend" of theirs).

Highschool is a good example, actually. Anyone that has gone through and graduated from highschool, and then had the chance to observe a bit further, probably noticed this: ALOT of so-called "friendships" ended when highschool did. Graduation happened, and people immediately drifted apart. Why? Because it wasnt actual friendship to begin with. Alot of people in highschool think that you must have lots of "friends" to be acceptable. They get together with like-minded people. They become friends purely for that social requirement... not because of an actual bond. And the shallowness of that connection shows easily when highschool, the thing forcing them into proximity, ends. They dont even remotely bother to keep in touch. And if you observe people in work situations/environments and whatnot, it's like that too. They'll be "friends" with those who work around them. But if they quit that job, the distancing is almost immediate. The "friendship" no longer has any bearing on their immediate environment, so it's dropped quickly.

Is that what you want? The type of "friend" complete with sarcastic quotes around the word? Because that's the sort that you're going to get by just following the herd.

I've met alot of people in my time. Too many. As much of a social disaster as I was way back when, I still had a few friends. Or so I thought. As I said, most of them vanished when school ended. Except one. I've known him since grade school. We're both 36 now, and still as close as ever. What's more, he's the only one that ever REALLY accepted my autistic quirks. Someone like that is always there FOR YOU, not always there to look socially acceptable. And honestly? People like that are pretty rare.

Now, I know a couple of others, but I didnt meet them in typical situations. I dont "fit in" any more than you do. Chances are, I fit in a hell of alot less. Hell, I dont even TRY to blend in. Not remotely. Even my appearance is off. I'm male, but I kinda look like a girl. I *always* wear sweatpants (apparently this is somehow very strange, I dont get it), and I have a keychain that is over two feet long which is always with me. I dont even LOOK normal. I get even less normal when people talk to me. Eye contact? I refuse. Well, usually. I'll force it if I'm dealing with a cashier or clerk, someone like that, because I dont want to make their day any worse than it already is. But anyone else? No. I wont. And if someone doesnt like that? Bloody tough. In addition, I'm a total geek. Gaming and cosplay are my main hobbies. You dont GET much geekier than that.

Yet still... I've been able to meet people. One reason is that I dont assume that there are only certain specific places to ever meet anyone. If I'm such a social outcast.... why try to get together with those that arent? Wouldnt it make more sense to meet others who are similar to myself? Which is exactly what I did. And is how I met my couple of other close friends that I've known for years now. Heck, one of them I met online, and Iv'e known him for years and seen him in person, too. I realized: I dont have to "blend in" with the usual crowd. I dont have to even follow or go near the usual crowd. Because the "usual crowd" isnt the only freaking crowd (it is, however, the most boring, so good riddance).

And yeah, I have the usual autistic traits. Lots of sensorty issues (sound is the worst), I dont make eye contact, and holy hell am I freaking spacey. Ever tried to unlock a hotel room door with your car remote? Probably not, right? It doesnt make sense. Yet I've done that anyway (and kept doing it for 5 full minutes before I realized what was happening). My memory is also terrible, and I'm a *really* negative person. Most people probably find me to be immediately unpleasant. I also dont work. And plenty of other aspects to this. Yet still... I was able to meet people.

But again, the key to it was realizing that I never needed to "blend in" to begin with. That never was necessary. Instead of trying to be something I simply am not, I just sorta rolled with things in a direction that made alot more sense.


Now, as for the idea of getting a girlfriend? Yeah... cant help you with that one. I dont do romance, period. I dont even have an interest. However... if you can get out there and find the RIGHT places to make friends, instead of constantly trying the wrong ones, you might find that those are also the right places to meet someone like that. Never know, yeah?

Since you enjoy nature, have you thought about working in a national park after college? Just watch out for trolls.