How to tell someone about AS?

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I can't tell it my parents or siblings. If I tell about AS one from them, he will tell it all others. When I was 20, I read some article about social phobia and I showed my mom this article and tried tell her about my problems. She told me I have to try harder and at work when I'm will going to make a phone calls, I'll get used to it. Still nothing. She never took my problems seriously, they ignored my problems with bullying at school. Now I am satisfied that they do not interfere with my life. Sometimes i visit my family, but I don't want them to deal with my problems and know about them.

I have husband and he maybe should know it. But i don't know, how to tell it him. I am afraid that he will not underestand me like my family. He knows I am afraind of people and I dont know speak with people. He know about my problems, but need he know name, that this is AS?

He don't like changes like me. He needs a plan when we travel somewhere like me. He knows me for a long time and some traits he has too, probably for him is this normal. He can't see my problems at my work. I think about him he is maybe aspie too. Sometimes he has with people more problems than me. I am careful and when I am not sure, how to act, I do or tell nothing or I try act same as other people. He doesn't have problems speak with people, but then often other people react on him badly. Sometimes he speak too much, but I conversely too little. He don't have friends.

He don't know much about autism, he saw some movies like Rainman and until recently he thought that all people with ASD has similar abilities. Sometimes he tell me about someone that he is autistic, when this person did something weird, maybe he think it's funny, but not for me. I don't know how to react and explain it him.

I wait an appointment, because i want know sure about AS. I don't know if he can underestand why i need this. I had problems all my life and I want know cause. I don't know, if he can underestand why I want spent money for this. This is important for me, but not for him, because I am still same person and I don't want this information change anything between us. I really don't know what do.

How you told your family that you have ASD (or you think you have ASD)?
How your family reacted?

I have told some siblings but not all. I haven't told my parents. It's something you need to decide for yourself.

I'd probably wait until I got an actual diagnosis though. If your family would be skeptical of a diagnosis they'll almost certainly be dismissive of just a suspicion.

The family members I have told didn't really react. It was as though they assumed this was the case, they weren't surprised. The family members I haven't told probably wouldn't believe it's a real condition.

It took me a while to tell my husband, trying to think whether or not I should, and how to go about it.
In the end I screwed up my courage and told him one day, when I was helping him with some work on the house.
He didn't really care.
So there I was, struggling to explain this thing and what it meant to me and he was like "meh" and "pass me the drill"

Hehe

A lot of people react similarly when I tell them (I'm really open about it). Some will be a bit surprised and ask if I'm sure, cos I don't seem like I have it, but most just don't seem to give a sh*t. One old workmate simply said "ahh that explains a lot", which I found amusing.

The thing is though, I live in a relaxed country (as do the previous two posters) with relaxed people and I have an easy-going family. You have to figure out the right approach for your circumstances, as you'd have a better idea about how the people around you might react. My out-and-proud approach probably isn't for everyone!

I've gotten the exact some reaction from several people almost word-for-word (re. that explains a lot). Most of the other people I've told have said "I'm not surprised" and one person said her first thought was "so I was right" All of these pretty much surprised me as I thought I wasn't that obvious and was probably somewhere borderline for the diagnosis.

All the people I've told it's been a bit awkward. I'm debating just posting on Facebook that I have it so I don't have to try to tell people individually, but there's other problems with that as it would also essentially be disclosing at work as I have work friends on my Facebook.

Some of the things I've read when it concerns disclosure is to think carefully about WHY you are disclosing to that particular person. If you don't have a good reason to do so, then don't, but if you do, then go for it.

I was officially diagnosed as a kid, so my whole family knows... but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not or if the fact that they know is of any use to me. They know that I have the kind of trouble that they can't understand with social interractions, yet they still often tend to tell me to "just do it." Of course it's a good thing that they aren't ready to do everything for me 'cause if they did I could never learn anything, but it'd be nice if they gave me advice when I asked for it (and stopped trying to give me advice when I don't need it. I can make a sausage sauce on my own for god's sake!) It'd also be nice if my half sister stopped saying "it's part of your illness" everytime I do something she doesn't like or every time that I disagree with her... I mean sure, sometimes our differences are probably caused by different neurologies, but she never even considers the possibility that they could be caused by different personalities and life experiences!

Aside from that, I don't tell people. I tell them parts about it, naming things that cause trouble for me and that could make me cause trouble for them, but I rarely talk about my diagnosis. For example when I talk to my friends about my special interests, I tell them from time to time to "tell me to shut up if you get tired with the subject" since I can't always be sure if people really want to hear what I have to say or if they're just being polite. In fact I do this at work too when we're talking about something not related to work.

That is a good strategy, especially for casual acquaintances, work colleagues and such. Autism is such a complicated and misunderstood subject even we who experience it every day are often confused and disagree as to what it is, so how do you explain it to an NT?

Hi Nira!
First off I have to say that your message really touched me. It's so candid and honest.
I think that you should tell him, but when you're ready. But yes I think that making that a goal is a good idea. One thing to keep in mind: you've been thinking about your issues for a long time, and you've had a lot of time to adjust. When you tell your husband he, too, will need time to adjust. Even if he's totally trusting and supportive he'll still need time to adjust. It's new information and learning takes time. So I would say an important part of being ready is to be ready for him to not necessarily understand at first.
I do think having a diagnosis is crucial. It makes the conversation more persuasive.
But the other thing to keep in mind is this:
if you are autistic, the people who know you know something is off about you already. We don't fit in.
Now, with your mom it's a little different because a parent feels responsible to shape their children into competent, able adults. So she might have been motivated to prioritize not enabling potential weakness, despite the risk of not totally understanding you. That doesn't mean she doesn't recognize that you're different, if you are indeed different.
Lastly I would just urge you to know this:
autism isn't social anxiety. Autism is a legitimate inability to socialize with normal people. Anxiety can come from it, but the disability isn't imagined. With social anxiety it is imagined.

Good luck!

To answer your questions, when I started to learn about this everyone in my family knew exactly what I was talking about and thought it seemed valid. When I was diagnosed people were relieved. So for me it was easy. But again I for sure have aspergers type ASD. I just say weird s**t and have dysfunctional communication styles and extremely rigid and repetitive behavior. I think sometimes people read about autism on the internet and think it sounds cooler than regular anxiety or add and want to believe they have it, too, but the diagnostic criteria is pretty straight forward. If you have it people will not be so hard to convince because they'll see the signs in how you act and speak.

Thank you for your replies.

My psychologist told me after about 6 hours some tests that I have probably ASD. She didn't have experience with ASD and she was not sure. She told my anxiety may be due to the fact that I do not understand social situations. I consider it a logical explanation and I don't have better. This word probably is problem for me, I want know it sure where an error ocurred. And I am not sure, if he can understand this.

For the appointment I should have someone who knows me for a long time. And after less than two years I told it nobody except therapists. I hope it possible confirm or reject without other person. In this organisation they know me, I visit supportive groups here.

I am not sure if I will be ever ready.

I tried this in my job with colleagues from different team. I told them for me is hard communicate with people and my colleague is better on this thinks and I have problems with them anyway. Not always people take it seriously.
He is my husband, if we will have childern in future, he should know they could have same problem.

But how to explain it to someone, who know nothing about ASD and do not scare him?

Last edited by Nira on 18 Mar 2018, 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've only skimmed this thread.....

There's a "manual", right here on this forum:

viewtopic.php?t=112787

I printed-out several copies, and give them out to persons with a need-to-know----maybe it would help you, too.

One thing that might help you as you consider what to say and how to say it:

it's not necessarily a problem. It's been problematic for you, I think, because unfortunately you didn't have parents who understood you and could support you in the right way. A lot of blessings come from autism. Our ability to concentrate is unparalleled. From our repetitive behavior we gain deep insight to how things work. We are highly loyal and transparent employees, which is a great asset as long as we work for good employers. It's just a different way of thinking. It's not inherently bad.

You might just start by talking about that -- not sticking a label on it right away, but instead letting him know that you actually process and organize information in a particular way that is just different from the norm. You might broach the subject when he notices something that you did that struck him as odd. Consider it a form of building intimacy, rather than exposing a dark secret.

I truly believe that autism is awesome. I really do think that we are magnetically attractive, fascinating people.

One thing that helps me when I have a hard conversation on the horizon is to journal my hopes and fears. Somehow just getting them all out on paper helps. I use this format:
"Dear God,
I have fear that ____. I have fear that ____. I have fear that ____. ..."
and so on until I wrote out all of my fears. I don't naval gaze, I don't psychoanalyze. I just confess on paper all of my fears. Somehow it helps. I address it to God because that's just my custom.

You really seem like a wonderful person and I'm totally cheering you on.