It's not what you're saying, it's how you say it

Post Reply New Topic

"It's not what you're saying, it's how you say it"

I get this said to me a lot. I understand it's supposed to make me want to try harder at how I present myself, but mostly it just makes me pity people who can't see past the glittery social wrapping paper of a conversation to what is being given to you underneath.

Perhaps I'm just being a cynic, but what are your thoughts?

I find it true though. People do respond better when you sound friendlier and less judgmental and less critical. An example would be if you don't use the word child abuse when addressing a parent about how they are handling their child or what choices they are making with their child that is putting them in a dangerous situation, they won't get defensive and start making excuses and justifying their decision.

It's the same with asking questions, if you don't ask them in a accusation way, people don't get defensive because they won't feel judged.

I think humans are just defensive creatures and automatically protect themselves. No one likes to be judged or insulted or put down.

I would find it a good idea to ask "how am I coming across with how I am saying it? What tone am I using and what choice of words am I using that is getting people uptight? What do those words imply?" So that way maybe they will tell you how they want you to say it and how they are feeling. I bet they would appreciate it too.

Fair enough. That's good advice in general. I guess I didn't give enough specific information to invite highly specific advice, but I actually experience the opposite problem a lot. Sometimes at work I have to give presentations, or talk to important folks about stats, and I get nervous. When I stutter or trip over my words or apologize too much people don't take me seriously, and when people don't take me seriously they don't take my ideas seriously, which honestly bothers me more. I watch some smooth talking guy say exactly what I said later and get praised for it, and it makes me nuts. I've had my good days, where I could rally the courage to give a good show, and even if some of my work on my project was a little shaky, this gets overlooked because WOW WHAT A FUN TALK. I get if a presentation isn't clear, that's one issue, but I think people in a competitive workplace tend to attack people they see as weak, and I get tired of being rolled-over, even when everyone clearly understands what I'm saying.

I'm secretly tough as nails though, so I just keep trucking , but it is annoying that we're all professionals here, but all most people see is the fanfare, not content.

Since I can remember my mum would always say she didn't like my tone. I hated it. I still hate it. As soon as I have any form of frank discussion with her revolving around anything mildly interesting or political or philosophical and I get passionate and animated, she says "I don't like your tone" I wish I would have been born into some hand gesticulating, constantly debating, arguing, making up, apologising... passionate Mediterranean family instead of this ice-cold Scandinavian one.

I try to avoid talking to people who feel that way a lot. I am sympathetic to people who are affected by tone, but I have no sympathy for the idiots who can't or won't take in any information simply because they dislike the tone.

An overbearing style or a slick, oily one are immediate turnoffs to me. I prefer people to say things matter-of-factly without coming across angry or threatening. I also don't like people who are too syrupy sweet.

It's actually hard for me to process the information if the tone is hostile. My little brother is the same way, if you yell at him, everything from your mouth turns into Charlie Brown.

Tone is very important in social interactions. It took me a looong time to understand that. I've gotten better at using a "professional" tone for most social situations. I still have trouble with a "friendly" tone.

It seems like most people are talking about the opposite "tone" problem I'm talking about.

Part of my trouble is that I think it's stupid to use an esoteric or in-group term for something if a simpler term is available, because I like to be understandable by as many people as possible. However, if by the look or manner of me people think I'm kind of weird, they're gonna discount what I have to say if I say it using lay terms. I'm not going to lie, I'm in my 30s, but I do kind of look like an awkward kid.

Perhaps if I talked over people's heads people would understand that I'm not some college student intern, but I'm not willing to isolate people from my work just to be one of the cool kids. oh well

Woody Allen worked as a scriptwriter for years, and his co-workers would laugh when he read them his jokes. Then, he tried the same thing on stage and got no reaction. He had to develop a funny delivery. Mitch Hedberg's material depends entirely on his intonation and timing. I postulated to my counsellor that if someone asked how I was and I answered "Fairly suicidal, thanks!" in a cheery, upbeat tone, they wouldn't bat an eye, and she readily agreed. Experts estimate that the written word lacks about 90% of the information channels in a face-to-face conversation.

I'm confused. Is this thread about tone? Or something else? There is only one definition of tone. It seems like the thread is about superficial judgments people make, specifically people at work. Well yes, people judge for all kinds of crazy and superficial reasons. I can definitely see how a stutter would affect how well a presentation is received. I remember in high school, a teacher took points off of my presentation grade because my voice was shaking. I was shocked and confused. A lot of stuff that should be judged on merit is judged on superficial things like how confident you sound or how you look.

The thread does seem to be semi hijacked onto one issue. Tone is important. But there are other issues. Like the words you use to say something.