I disclosed my autism to my clinical instructor

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Yesterday morning, when I came into work, my clinical instructor let me know (kindly) that he was puzzled by my progress over the last couple of weeks. He stated that I came on strong the first three weeks, but now I somewhat regressed in terms of performance the last couple of weeks. He indicated that he gave feedback that I should ask him more questions, and I hadn't asked him a question in a week and a half. He stated he was puzzled by this, and how I seemed to be more distant with the staff.

I already knew these things before he told me about them. Well, I didn't know that I literally didn't ask one question in one and a half weeks, but I did know I was distant and wasn't asking questions frequently. I also came to an important realization. These barriers were not simply related to my autism, they were related to me HIDING my autism. That's an important distinction! The reason I realized this is because when I'd go to ask my CI (clinical instructor) a question, he'd be with a patient and I wouldn't know how to interrupt the conversation to ask a question. I also realized I was still having issues where I'd ask a question of other staff members in the clinic and then leave before they fully answered my question. That was because I wasn't recognizing when the staff member was done with the conversation. And it wasn't good enough to wait until the staff member was done talking, they were in many cases just waiting for me to acknowledge what they said before continuing with another set of instructions.

So when my CI gave me this feedback, I asked to talk in the private staff area. This is the first time I'd ever told anybody who wasn't a family member that I have autism, and it sort of felt like I was confessing to a crime. I was so stressed I didn't bother to fake eye contact, I just reverted to looking to the left side of my CI towards the ground and other objects I could focus on.

So, in that environment, I told him I was autistic and his reaction was interesting. His immediate response was, "How can I help you?" I told him I didn't know, but the week before I had a couple of patients scheduled late on my schedule and it made me late to pick up my son from his after school program at his school. He understood and indicated that wouldn't happen again, it was an oversight that shouldn't have happened.

I then told him about my communication challenges with leaving before a question was fully answered, and also with not asking questions. He gave me interesting and useful advice. He emphasized that when I'm given feedback, I need to just follow it without fear of seeming awkward. If I handle a situation awkwardly, then that's okay. I told him how humbling and humiliating it was for me to appear awkward, because it highlighted how serious and debilitating it made my disability appear to be. He told me he understood since his oldest son has high functioning autism, and has a lot of anxiety, and can be awkward socially. I told him that while things improved with age, those challenges certainly remained for me.

I also told him that I had a high level of anxiety at the moment. Again, his response was interesting. He stated that of course I have high anxiety, I'm a student who's being continually assessed in terms of performance while also being constantly shown new hands-on techniques. It's interesting because he was basically making a point I always make. Sure autism causes anxiety, but when an autistic is in a high stress situation, a neurotypical is likely going to be high stressed as well.

He gave me some advice that amounted to how I could handle my social struggles with both asking questions, and also asking questions and then leaving before the full answer was given to me. In terms of asking questions he told me to just ask and accept there might be awkwardness. When I do ask a question, I should ask, "Are you finished answering my question?" Since I thought that would be more awkward, I ad-libbed and came up with what I thought was a less awkward, "Is that it?" Anyway, I followed those instructions and things worked out.

I also had the best performance yesterday I ever had in the clinic. It was very busy and they had a new physical therapy technician running patients through exercises. I was able to communicate with him in terms of my patients, and be empathetic to his challenges by giving him a heads up on certain situations. I believe this performance was because I felt a weight was lifted off my chest. I had overcome two obstacles that were holding me back in terms of evolving as a physical therapist assistant, and I also was supported and accepted by somebody I told I was autistic.

Sorry for writing such a long post. I had to process this and share it.

Thats great to hear your instructor was so accepting of your autism and helpful.

Congratulations! Sounds like a very positive development.


My struggles are sort of the opposite to yours. I ask way too many questions (don't tell me, "there's no such thing as a dumb question"!). Then, I will always interrupt the person for more clarification before they can finish answering the question.

People very often think I'm arguing with them when I'm not even really (at least from my perspective) disagreeing with them - all I'm really trying to do is get my question answered to my satisfaction.

Thanks! The amount of relief I feel is incredible. As usual, I didn’t realize how much something was stressing me out until I relieved myself of that stress.

SplendidSnail, I think you’ll find that you and I are more similar than you’d think. I do ask a lot of questions of people, I was just too afraid to ask questions in this situation because I was afraid of appearing awkward and also because I was afraid I’d negatively impact my final clinical grade with awkward behavior. Essentially I was taking what I viewed the path that resulted in less damage to my final grade, basically ignoring my CI’s instructions and instead avoiding asking him questions. However, when he gave me that feedback, I realized I was essentially building a false barrier for myself.

I think so much of it was the fact that my CI was so kind with the negative feedback he was providing me. He wasn’t accusing me of anything, it was obvious he was just very confused because I was doing so well and then I was pulling away. The fact that he was kind with the fact that I STRONGLY suspected he already knew I was autistic lead me to “confess”. I think I already mentioned this, but he acknowledged he already suspected I was autistic.

I also already suspected that my college instructors knew or suspected. I already “outed” myself there because I acknowledged my autism on Facebook and 5 of my college peers are friends with me on Facebook. Word will spread rapidly. It’ll be interesting to see how differently I’m treated.

I have this feeling that I’m good at pulling off being NT for short periods of time, but when my behavior is exposed to a person on a more long term basis, I can’t pull it off. I suspect I could pull it off *if* is ignored fatigue from acting NT, but begin to resent acting NT and pull back from doing so by acting what I like to call NT-lite.

It was good that being a parent of an autistic he had experience with autism and has figured out some coping techniques and that he seemed accepting of it.

That will not always be the case. Having been on this site since 2013 what is notable is how wide a variation there is to "coming out" as autistic.

I believe that’s the case with anything outside the ‘norm’. It’s a mixed bag.

I agree. Keep in mind I knew he had a son with HFA. This was a calculated “coming out”. When it comes to disclosing my autism, right now I’m not feeling overly “high risk” about disclosing it. I posted on Facebook knowing that some people would reject or misunderstand me in some fashion or other, but knowing that I was playing the percentages. I don’t have any “mean” people on my Facebook account so I knew I’d be mostly accepted.

There’s no question that autism is a controversial subject in America. It’s way more controversial than gay rights, for instance. Way more. But as more kids are being assessed as autistic, and as the subject becomes more public, it will be harder to ignore and also to disparage.

Wow, I feeling in an activist mood right now, or something.

I'm glad you were able to have success with your disclosure.

The "activism" should be focused on the same thing frequently happening when an autistic person is employed.

I "sort of" disclosed my "autistic past" when I was doing a clinical practicum in speech pathology. The clinical supervisor offered "accommodations," but I refused. I got a "C" in the clinical park, and an "A" in the academic part.

Do you think it was worth it? Not taking the accommodations? What kind of accommodations were you offered?

I wasn't offered specific "accommodations." I was merely offered the "possibility" of accommodations.

Yes, I believe it was worth it for you not to have "accommodations." This means you are seen as having "earned" your degree---whether the feeling is right or wrong.

There is a perception (wrong--at times, at least) that persons given "accommodations" are not put through as rigorous a program as person not given "accommodations."

When I think about it, having disclosed my condition to my CI, I guess I sort of got some accommodations. When I went to ask him questions, he was noticeably more receptive to my presence and quicker to respond. And the fact that I know have a phrase to find out if I've been given a complete answer, I'd say that qualifies as an accommodation.

I guess my advice for people with autism who phase similar challenges to me i.e. taking a difficult course or facing a job interview that doesn't favor your autism would be to disclose your autism as long as you believe the person you are telling will be receptive. When you disclose that information, I'd advise you to accept any accommodations that would be helpful to you. And don't be like me and assume that the NT you disclose this information to can't help you! I told my CI and within 15 minutes he provided me with solutions to two major obstacles I had to my performance. Granted, he has a kid with autism so I got lucky....but still, if you tell an NT your social challenges you'd be surprised how creative they could be with workarounds. Their in a better position to assess the social environment that surrounds you and know what acceptable ways you'd be able to handle certain social challenges you may have. This assumes this NT has good social skills themselves, and understands the challenge you present them with.

In academia, this would be the way to go. They can’t “fire” you.

In an employment situation, I’d be more cautious. Especially in “lower level, blue collar” sorts of places. Even in business offices or the civil service.

Even, alas, in clinical settings, unless you know the “orientation” of your boss.

IT would probably be more receptive to the latest trends and knowledge pertaining to autism.

It’s getting better—-but it’s not nearly good enough at this point.

I agree, Kraftie. Although, I’m wondering if I could get a job in physical therapy while being open about my autism. More than likely, I’ll get a job first and then admit to it later at some point. Maybe....I don’t know....

Sounds like you got extremely lucky that your CI is familiar with ASD & was able to to react and respond as he did. Good story. I was curious right up until the end of the OP what job you were training into and was going to ask if you didn't say.

I'd probably just get a job first and then only disclose as necessary. Hopefully you learn enough coping mechanisms from your student experience to transition into a job w/ relative ease and maaaaybe you won't have to disclose anything to anyone ever - just go to work and do your job.

I really did get lucky. If I didn't say yet, I'm training to become a physical therapist assistant.

I think if I work in a rehab/snf location, my coping mechanisms would suffice. One of the issues that's normally hard to hide is the fact that I have very poor facial recognition. I have trouble recognizing a face and placing a name with it. In a snf setting, I generally meet a patient in their room and they have family photos and personal items that I can see that help me to remember who they are. In the clinic setting I'm in, I see a patient 3 times per week at most, and I get different patients all of the time (mainly because I'm a student). So I have to go to the therapy techs and ask them if so and so is in the waiting area.

It's stuff like that that would require me to disclose my autism. After awhile, too many questions would come up. I'd have to find an understanding environment like I already did in order to "make it" under that type of setting.