coping with Asperger's girlfriend?

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Hello all

I have been in a 3 year relationship which ended a few weeks ago. I'm mid-30s, my girlfriend was early 30s by the time the relationship ended.

Over the years I felt there was something different about her: from her original on-line dating profile which was awkwardly worded, to her way of walking, talking/pronunciation, mannerisms, starting courses and careers but not finishing them, being very, very sensitive and getting overwhelmed, blank/transfixed stares, and periods of non-communication/mutism where she couldn't verbalise emotions easily. And talking about seeing shapes and images, which I could not relate to.

She was very kind, warm and compassionate, intelligent, loyal - and very straightforward compared to other girls in terms of playing games. She was very close to her family incl. siblings, although didn't have any (serious) friendships outside of this. She had never had a boyfriend before me which is surprising for someone her age. Life was generally difficult for her but she was tough underneath it all.

However unlike what I read about Asperger's, she was NOT cold to people, nor self-absorbed. She was actually an extremely willing, patient listener to other people's problems (and some took advantage of it). She also liked to laugh, and could see the funny side of her own behaviour sometimes.

She has cut off contact with me after the relationship ended, which was very abrupt considering there was no major event, or cheating, abuse, etc. So I cannot speak to her and she made it clear she wants a fresh start; but I worry she has no insight into her being potentially on the spectrum.

Any ideas on what to do?

Thanks!

A lot of information about presentations of Autism are wrong or misconstrued, it is a subject where there is still a lot to be learned. She may be an Aspie or have some other condition, there is a fair amount of overlap.

Regarding what to do, I would say that you should accept that the opportunity to do much constructive with this information has been missed. Unfortunately that time has passed. Remember the good times, learn from your mistakes and move on with your life.

Thanks for this. So based on the traits I've reported, you think she might well NOT be an aspie?

Sounds closer to schizoid/schizotypal than on the autism spectrum.

I don't know what your ex-girlfriend's issues or problems or diagnosis are. I just know that when you break up with someone, if they request no contact, you should honor that. (Unless there are lingering legal issues, co-parenting, return of property, etc.)

Hello op. The descriptions of your girlfriend sounds very much like what my bf thought about me... Except the seeing images part. Its a bit scary . I don't know if I am on the spectrum or its just anxiety and depression and immaturity.

The reply mentioning the possibility of schizoid disorder freaked me out lol. I do carry some characteristics of it... Mainly when I was a kid I didn't actually know other kids have feelings like I do, and I had no desire of having friends and all. But that sort of ended after I made my first friend when I was 9 or 10

When I finished primary school I did end all friendship all of a sudden without telling the person about it... But I was a kid. for her age it's definitely something more unusual. But she did tell you she need a fresh start and I think that's her way of telling you she need a start (without you). Its a normal thing to need to cut of all communications with exes? You two had broke up after all.

She's already 30, if she indeed have ASD she probably knows there's something unusual about her. Asd people are very much in touch with reality. If that's not the case, and she genuinely have no clue, then it's more likely it's something like schizoid disorder, like she's detached with reality. If the latter is the case it can be a great risk depending on her situation and I would advise you to inform her family if it's possible.

I'm not a professional and don't personally know her. So it's just all my guesses... Take care breaking ups are tough

The title you chose for this thread seems inapt to me. She is no longer your girlfriend, her business is not yours to cope with, it's part of her private life and you are no longer connected to that kind of intimacy with her.

If you created this thread in the hope of getting her back by telling her that you think she might be on the spectrum, then I would bet a pound to penny that she will not see such as an action as helpful though she may see it as manipulative and calculated, and take offence.

It's her life, her choice, whether she is AS or not is irrelevant to her decision, which you may be struggling to accept as the one who was left. Deal with your own stuff, not hers, and keep the good memories intact without casting a cloud over them by interfering in what is a personal and private matter for her, if it exists at all.

Thanks for all the replies all (even the very harsh ones...I think)

I don't want to interfere in her life. I guess I just want to make sense of the past few years; plus I don't like the idea of her suffering unnecessarily when she could get help and support.

I think the schizoid/schizotypal suggestions are wrong...she had a sense she was different from those around her, plus reading back my description was a bit clumsy in terms of seeing shapes and images (i meant more visualising internally, and "shapes and images" the closest terminology I can find, even if not dead right). I really feel having done a lot of reading on it that the correlation with asperger traits is hard to ignore. But I take it some might say it's none of my business anymore.

The sensible thing to do after a relationship is over is to cut ties. No one should remain friends with the ex because it makes it more difficult for both parties to properly move on. Plus you say that you were in a relationship for 3 years which means if you lived together or spent any kinda alone time then you probably were intimate/had sex and what not and once you cross that threshold then you can NOT go back to being just friends after you've been that intimate with another person.

I wouldnt say we could diagnose what was up with your ex on here. People will always have their own ideas though I suppose.