What do you do when you feel like you are toxic to people?

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Hi,

Pretty simple... Autism = Depression ... The combination of the 2, make me miserable... Don't have much in the way of friends/relationships... The more time I spend with people, the less they like me.

Over time the autism issues cause enough misunderstandings/miscommunications I come off as kind of an uncaring as*hole I think... On top of that, add in being depressed/hopeless any of it will change has added a lovely new personality trait... Now, I'm just kind of always in a bad mood/depressed/angry/etc...

I can "hide" it, for example if I go out to dinner with my parents by trying not to talk... But even if I don't open my mouth, I can ruin people's moods... My body language alone apparently is all that is needed for me to ruin people's moods...

lol, my parents were going to take my sister and her boyfriend, and myself on a trip to Alaska... Sort of a once in a lifetime trip, probably the last "family" trip we'll get to take... Parents are getting old... My sister refuses to go because of me.

I am toxic, if I spend time around people, they grow to dislike me... Only people left are my parents and sister for the most part (and a couple friends who life 2000 miles away). Not that I can even really count my sister at this point, but whatever...

I'm to the point I'm scared to say anything to anyone... People always interpret s**t wrong, read into body language I dont even realize I'm showing, etc... It always seems to upset people (without me even understanding why usually) ...

I've seen a few different autism specialists, and the issues that cause the most problems don't have any fixes really, it's all about people around me "understanding and accepting" certain things, and it seems unlikely that's ever going to happen.

I'm ready to f****n' give up... Years of therapists have done s**t, just keep getting more isolated/depressed/angry about it all the longer time goes on... The only people I care about are my parents/sister, but very quickly those relationships are being destroyed and I can't figure out wtf to do about it. Makes me sick seeing them upset, because of me, and s**t that I don't even realize I am doing...

Logic says, don't f*****g be around people who you don't want to alienate... but that alienates them. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't kinda thing.

I don't know whats worse, being isolated, or watching yourself hurt people/make people unhappy without having the ability to even realize it's happening in the moment...

I feel like everyone is better off without me around, and the more time goes on the more that feeling is ingrained.

So what do you do?

--Elmo

I'm sorry. I have no suggestions, because I also struggle with the feeling that I am a horrible person. However, I believe that worrying about being toxic shows you are not as bad a person as you might think.

I was taught by my parents that I am a terrible, selfish, unkind person. I understand intellectually that this might not be true, but still worry constantly that people hate me and I just can't tell. I try to remind myself that I strive to be a good person and attempt to help others etc. but it doesn't really help that much.

What I do is try to be of use. I wish I had the answer for you. You sound like you’re doing what you can to be a better human.

I am sorry for your pain. I used to have problems with chronic depression but unlike you, my clinical diagnosis of autism pretty much eliminated my depression.

I used to be depressed because I couldn't fit in. I tried and I tried and I couldn't figure out why I didn't have a large circle of friends and why my relationships kept failing. My efforts to be normal and to seem normal were stressful and depressing ... until I learned that I was autistic and that there actually was an underlying neurological reason for why I was the way I was.

Having accepted my autism and my social limitations, I've been depression free.

I'm sorry that your condition has had the opposite effect. The last phrase about people being better off without you was particularly chilling. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

I'm also concerned that you described yourself as "toxic" because this is not a good self image.

What can you do to change your negative self image? I haven't met you, but I don't believe that you're toxic. As a teacher, I've worked with some really challenging students and although some of my kids have given me gray hairs and added worry lines to my forehead, I don't believe that any of them were truly toxic.

Everyone has some good in them. You just have to look for it.

I also believe that everyone has a niche where he/she belongs. You just have to find it. I know this is easier said than done. In my case you wouldn't believe how many jobs I've had before I found a place where I felt I belonged.

Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot to share and a therapist could help you develop coping mechanisms for interacting with others.

In the meanwhile, feel free to vent on this board. Venting helps. No good ever comes from bottling up your negative feelings.

Be well!

David