White lies

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I have a niece who sometimes visits me and she is on the autistic spectrum too. She is obsessed with games but her obsession can be self destructive. In the past I let her play on a video game console I have but she has no patience with games even though she likes them. When she starts losing she gets very angry, very fast and it makes it unpleasant for everyone. So on this occasion I learned the value of sometimes telling a white lie. I told her the console was broke and needed fixing and we could watch TV instead. So she sat and watched children's TV shows and was more well behaved at my home than ever before. She didn't get angry once and actually enjoyed herself.

Usually I don't tell lies, and I find it does weigh on my conscience if I do but sometimes it clearly is for the best.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Well so my daughter needs things repeated verbatim back at her over and over for reassurance. She attributes a lot of feelings to her belongings and struggles with the concept that they might get broken. She is also cripplingly scared of loosing teeth. It might be something like before going to bed she says: "Will my tooth fall out tonight?" In this scenario I can either worry her by saying "well, maybe, we can't be sure" or I can give her the reassurance of saying "no, your tooth is not going to fall out tonight," I go with the reassurance which could be a white lie. I am not sure whether this is the right thing to do or not but I think on some level she knows there is a possibility it is just she needs to go through the ritual to feel safe.

I think you're right to tell her the teeth won't fall out. She would probably fret about it a lot and it would distract her. I can understand her getting very upset with things breaking, or the concept of it even, because it forces you to break a routine and we aspies love our routines!

I actually feel a bit bad I said that to my niece about the console having broken but in this particular situation her obsession with gaming has become out of of hand. Mainly because she is becoming emotionally unhappy and distracted and having focus issues from it because she is constantly switching games. Though I also worry she isn't spending enough time on pursuing interests that will help her grow up and live a fulfilling life, because one day she might need more skills to survive and children learn quicker than adults.

^^ how old is she?

She's 10.

I don't have a huge problem telling white lies when it serves a purpose but sometimes it does makes me feel like a failure that I have a problem telling white lies. Most of the time I will try and word things so it's not a lie or even do something extreme so it's not a lie which I know sounds a bit crazy

e.g. I would take the fuse out of the console plug and put a broken one in , then I would tell my niece that the console won't work as the fuse is broken - this is factually correct and not a lie.

Recently I installed some tall plants beside a fence on my side of the fence, because a very nosy neighbour and her son kept stretching their necks to stare over it. White lie then told: advised the said neighbour that the new plantings were to give her more privacy.

This appeared to please her and I have more privacy.

Not a bad idea actually. At least you then technically are not lying.

B19, that is funny! Well handled too, I tend to just avoid going in spaces where neighbours have a view but it's great to find a diplomatic solution.

When it comes to white lies, the fact that we tend to take things literally is what gets us in trouble.

You see? Telling white lies isn't so bad. Sometimes it's for the best. I don't understand why so many Aspies hate white lies. I'm not against telling white lies. I don't like big lies that can hurt people, but telling white lies that you know are best for each party involved, there is nothing bad about it.

When I used to work at a care home, we had to tell a lot of white lies to dementia patients in order to help them. For example, one time an elderly lady was unsettled because she thought her son should be there, and the son wasn't planning on visiting that particular day, but we had to kindly reassure the lady that her son will be here soon, and she calmed down and after she was chilled she had forgotten about her anxiety and was happy. If we just stood there telling the truth "your son is not coming today" it might have made her more agitated and anxious. So it was for the best.

So you did the right thing with your niece. The truth might have made her agitated and even anxious, so the white lie made you both happy. It is not a crime.

Within the home, the assumption is that lies are told with benign intent. Children and other dependants are a danger to both themselves and others, partly due to lack of thinking ability. So, instead of discussing deep Theology with children, we tell them about Santa and the Bogey man, to keep them in line with something they can understand. It is life out in the Commons where we get drilled about honesty.

I can’t do them. Lying in my experience just leads to trouble, no matter how small the lie is. I don’t play along with the Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy myths, and if somebody lies to me, I automatically start to trust them less if I figure out the lie. It’s not worth the risk. If some feelings get hurt, that’s just what’s going to have to happen.

I hate them 'cause if I catch someone telling me a lie about a small, rather meaningless thing then I start thinking that if they had to lie to me about this then how could I trust them to be honest about something actually important?

I realize that they're sometimes necessary, but that doesn't make them right.

That's my view too, and I'm so relieved that my parents never tried to make me believe in fairytales. . If they had lied, I would have had trust issues with them still, and I would still feel resentment for them deceiving me. It would never be the same again.

Santa and Boogeyman have never been on my "line of understanding", I could always deal with and understand simplified versions of the truth when I was little

Hahaha I had a true laugh out loud with the “well we don’t know if your teeth will fall out overnight”!

I struggle with white lies as well but for a different reason. I am a car salesman type of neurotypical who can very easily pick up on different, subtle ways of intentional and unintentional communication and who can also lie with effectiveness that has always surprised even myself. I made a commitment to myself many years ago to not use this skill, because it made me feel bad. It was too easy to tweak this and that. Before I knew it, I would have friends I didn’t like and they would think I was someone I wasn’t.

I will often nod my head or say something noncommittal like, “isn’t that interesting.” Or “huh.” To avoid lying when there is no nice answer, but like you all say, sometimes you can’t avoid it.

Well, I probably should have added some context. She is loosing her milk teeth. And her friend's mum unhelpfully keeps saying how hers would get so loose she would swallow them in her sleep. Right now it creates all sorts of rather challenging issues with food, teeth brushing and just a lot of repeated reassurances (day and NIGHT!!) So I am a little bleary-eyed today. Gosh, I just want all those milk-teeth out and gone.

Anyway, Fifasy, I had a think about your question. I have some ideas on how you might be able to approach the gaming issue. I'm just too tired to type right now so will come back.