Trying to understand myself, Is this a meltdown?

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billegge
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 12 Sep 2017
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 147
Location: Lat: 27.889636 Long: -82.665982

09 May 2018, 8:00 pm

I am recently diagnosed with AS, previously self diagnosed. I do not know much about AS and I want to learn what aspects of me are AS.

Since there are so many aspects, I wanted to ask about one.

I have heard about melt downs, and always thought I did not have melt downs. I thought this was a hallmark of an aspie, so I thought maybe I was not AS.

However on closer review, maybe I was having melt downs but just not recognizing them as melt downs.

Here is a made up scenario of what I think might be an AS melt down, I would like to hear others opinion who know a lot more about AS if this is a melt down.

A Fictional Scenario of what I go through:

I am with my wife and she suggests we go to the movies tomorrow night. It is already late today and in my mind I start thinking about what I have to do tomorrow and I start mentally building out plans for tomorrow which may include putting off going to the store late and instead go earlier in the day, maybe during lunch time. At this point it is just a mild anxiety spike but is resolved once I create a plan for the day in my head and then I feel in control. Next she says, or maybe we go to dinner instead? Damn it! The anxiety shoots up a great deal more than when she suggested the movies because now she said "maybe". I cannot make plans with a maybe so now I am in a stuck state of anxiety. She asks me, "what do you think?". At this point I realize that I have lost some capacity for thought because when I attempt to figure out what I think I just feel an intense load on my mental capacity. At this point I have entered mental overload. It is not that bad, but is causing me to not be able to think very well. I tell my wife I don't know and hope that she will figure it out. Then for some reason she says, or maybe we just stay home. So now I have many possibilities of what tomorrow may be, with no resolution. At this point I start to mentally shut down. My wife may continue talking and I may hear her words but I am blurring them out in my mind. This is what I call the danger zone. The danger zone is when I start shutting down. Then my wife asks if I can pick up my son from school tomorrow. I then go into an internal panic because I cannot work out everything in my mind, my mind has mostly shut down. My solution is to say no so I do not have to think about it. Despite having an inner panic, I tell my wife it would not be good because I have to work and I come up with some other reasons because the real reason inner shut down would seem irrational. She then tells me that I almost never pick up my son from school. I am unable to argue so I just say "Ok, I will pick him up". Its the better alternative. She starts questioning me and talking and now I am going beyond shutting down, since I have no capacity for thought things are going to go in one of 2 ways. I am going to explode as an answer to my wife which is all I am capable of doing, or leave and take a break. I opt to take a break and tell my wife I need to go to the bathroom or I make up something, I just need to be alone for a few minutes to get some mental composure. I leave, but my wife follows me. She keeps asking me whats wrong with me and accusing me of being a bad father for not wanting to pick up my son. There is nothing left inside me, it takes all I have to keep the storm inside and tell my wife calmly that I need some time alone. She continues. The seems are about to burst but I have one last capability to calmly ask my wife to leave and that I need just a few minutes alone. As I say this, my voice feels like it is someone else talking because the inner overload is consuming me. My wife refuses and questions me more. Oops. The internal overload goes external, my calm outer self immediately turns into a yelling rage saying "get out!! !". She continues to question me, I yell with as much politeness as possible "Please Leave!". She continues to question me. I feel boxed in, she will not leave and I have no capacity whatsoever. Trying to be as non-violent as possible, I briefly push her in the direction of the door like a strong nudge just to say go this way. I open the door and wait for her to leave. She continues asking questions. I give up. I then forcibly push her up to the door like a bull dozer and then stop pushing. She gets the point and leaves, I shut the door and despite all the wrong things she accused me of due to misinterpreting my internal panic as something else, I feel at peace.

Is this a melt down?