How do I get my parents to understand?

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My parents know I have Aspergers…ish. I was an extremely difficult child, so they eventually took me to get a bunch of tests done and I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was nine. (I did not find out I was diagnosed with anything till I was 15 and my dad accidentally let it slip) My parents were adamant that no one be told because they did not want having an autistic child to affect their image, and they didn’t want me to have an excuse for bad behavior. (My brothers still don’t know lol) So my life carried on as usual with my parents simply coming up with more…creative ways to get me to behave and act normal. (If you’re ever curious, my parents came up with like the Perfect Punishment to scare kids into behaving. Its pretty funny)
Now, I never really blamed my parents for trying to cover up any oddities I might have (to varying degrees of success). However, I do wish sometimes that they realized there are simply things that I cannot help and that are just a part of who I am.

Any tips on explaining Aspergers to my parents in a way that wouldn’t make them simply brush it off or believe I’m just making up excuses? The few times I’ve tried talking to my mom about it she just talks about how its irrelevant because she’s sure I’ve “Grown out of it” and “Know better now”. However it has been confirmed for me that its not something I can just grow out of. Although I at first prided myself on being so high functioning that the (only)friend I told thought I was joking, the more I look into it the more I’m starting to think I’m not as “mild” as I once thought… I took some online tests and stuff and all my scores were scary high lol. In fact, I don’t think I’ve grown out of any of those traits at all. I’ve simply gotten much better at hiding them.
My whole lifes goal is to make my parents proud of me, ya know? I was adopted as a baby, and I always feel really guilty that they got stuck with me instead of a nice normal child. And I know they won’t be happy that I’ve started really looking into this Aspergers thing, but I really want them to know and understand the real me, not just the perfect poster child they want me to be. Any suggestions on how I might be able to make that happen? How did your parents take it? Thanks in advance for any responses!

I wish I could help you with this one; it's not easy at all.

For me, I didn't find out about the possibility that I might have ASD until age 36 when someone mentioned to me that I responded to certain situations in a way that is similar to his son who has Autism. It was a massive shock to me. That evening, I googled "Do I have Autism" and found myself on Autism Canada's website, where they had the AQ test. I did it and scored 36.

Two days later, on a phone call with my parents, I very hesitantly told them the story, and they told me they weren't surprised. When I was diagnosed 3 months later, the psychologist needed to interview my parents because part of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is that you have to have showed signs of it as a child.

And yet, even though my parents' initial reaction was positive and they participated in my diagnosis, I still feel like they don't want me to talk about it, and they certainly don't want me to think there are any limitations that it might impose. They don't directly object to me talking about it, but it does seem that any time I bring it up, things very quickly get very awkward.

I don't really know how to go about making your parents understand. I do sort of wonder whether maybe they already do understand more than they let on, but are scared that if they admit to you that there might be limitations, you would limit yourself further.

All I can really suggest is that, if you do discuss it with them, try not to come at it from a perspective of limitations, but simply from a perspective of acceptance that ASD is part of (but not all of) who you are.

I do have this crazy idea in my mind, and I'm not sure whether it would be appropriate in your case. Would it potentially be helpful to write down what you have to say, and hand your parents a letter to read instead of discussing it? That way, you can work on it until you get what you have to say right, and it also forces your parents to read the whole thing before responding.

This is a long term project, and I suggest you view it as a journey of many small steps.

When your parents say something that seems misunderstanding, you can say "When you say that, it hurts my feelings." Or if you feel that they are ashamed or embarrassed about you, you can ask them if that is actually what they are feeling. You can also ask them what they expect of you, and then discuss how you feel about it. If your mother says you've grown out of it, you can correct what is a misperception, and tell her how much effort goes into hiding things.

As I said, it's a long term project, so don't ask them all this stuff at once. Just now and then, in as calm a manner as you can, bring it up. Do it privately so there is no social pressure on either them or you.

It's very common to blame one's parents, and if you do, that ends any chance of their understanding or seeing your point of view. You can have a loving and accepting future with your parents if you approach it right - I hope. Good luck to you.

My opinion is that everyone is who they are, and everyone deserves respect, no matter what "difficulties" they may suffer from. Every person is equal and if people look down upon autism, they are not people I want to associating with. But most of all, I could never be ashamed of my children. My mother always accepted me for who/how I was, and I was a difficult child. She stood by me and defended me through everything, and if people said anything wrong about me, well, she is a Wolf like me, she bites when you touch her pack . My brother is normal, a model and although my entire family treated him as a god and treated me like the crap of a fly, my mother always stood by my side and defended me, even if it cost her a lot. My mother stood proud and held her head up high. Maybe she shed a lot of tears at how mean and judgmental people were, but she learned who were truly good people and who were not. I am the same, I accept everyone as my equal, no matter what mental problems, handicaps, disabilities, LGBTQIAPK+, skin of their color and so on.

Honestly, that your parents are ashamed of you, makes me sad. You deserve better. Please, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you were born this way. They should feel guilty for being so closed minded and treating you like this. It is abusive, in my opinion. From what I have seen of you, you are a very intelligent, sweet girl, and I would be proud to have you as a daughter. To be honest, I don't meet many people who like animal as much as me. And how sad is it that you hide your quirks, your true self? Breaks my heart...

Maybe you could put your feelings in a letter, write down everything your feel and why you feel it and give that to your whole family at once. They can't ignore it all, so they have to read it. Don't haste it, think about it thoroughly and rewrite it over a few days. Put your heart and soul into it.

Good luck!

I have an NT sister who my parents openly support and trust more than they do me. They don’t respect me as much either. My moms not NT but I don’t know what issues she has. Yet she can’t emphathize. Well basically that’s what she lacks.


It’s frustrating but I guess when they are ready to trust me they will. Meanwhile I’ll just keep living my life.

The sweet rats!! Thank you LoneLoyalWolf, you just made my day!

I wish I could say I think the letter would work, but in all honesty I highly doubt it would. I do think writing it all out is a good idea-and i love to write-but I'd have to present it to them in speech form. I once wrote a letter to my parents after every time they made me cry as a teenager and kept them in a drawer in my desk because writing was the only way I knew how to express myself and i dunno it was therapeutic or something. My mom found them one day while cleaning and she threw them all out because it was stupid of me and if I had a problem than I should act professionally and talk to them in person instead of writing "stupid hateful words". (She never even read them)

You are 18 now, and maybe you could find a counselor, who could help you in this situation? At your age, you should not have to get permission from your parents anymore.

You are an adult, even if you live under their roof, you are not a prisoner, have rights and deserve respect.

Wish I could help you, talk with them for you. Autism doesn't pass, you don't "grow over it" EVER. You only learn to mask the quirks and essentially act NT. This has scientifically been proven, so they are being ignorant.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Maybe you can find people who truly understand you and accept the true you; that helps tremendously.

Good luck!

I can emphasize but offer no solution. As my mother has been nothing but emotionally abusive evasive and when i asked her help or support trying to find doctors and support i am told i dont know anything about it i cant help you and when i agrue that at one point she didnt know anything about being a doctor but she learned i am told by her i am not going to help you. I remember comming to this woman in the darkest moment of my life asking for help or support because at the time i was homeless isolated and with no one else except an amazing christian woman who i befriended in another state(no not a girlfriend a friend). After i told her what i had been threw and what a dark place i was she told me that i sounded toxic and that she wouldn't do anything to help me. All i wanted is too see some kind of compassion from her and all i ever received is the cold shoulder. Like i dont matter to her at all. I cant tell how many times i have hung up the phone so pist that i wanted to hurt her and i am non volient.
I remember when i was comming to terms with my autism and i turn to her and ask if she be willing to help me pay for doctors. This was at a time when she was spending a ton on my hotel rooms as i tried to find a home in a town and i asked if she stop paying for the hotels and pay for my treatement instead so i can take care of the stuff holding me back she said no i am not willing to effect my retirement to help you. Again i am nothing i didn't want her fourtune i just wanted to know i waw loved and all she has ever done is gone out of her way to make me feel as welcomed in her life as jesus at atheist convention.
I was raised by nanies she gave full control over my childhood. Nanies that had no problem telling me how much better my mothers life would be if i wasnt born. A nanny who his first day on the job slapped me when i tore up a picture in fit and lied about it. But everyone believe him. Same nanny would hold me down crucifixion style when i would have my behavior outbursts as a kid and jump on my arms with his knees. Even though i showed the marks to the school and my mother all that was done with my school was a report was filed but at home my mother would make me apologize to him. Again i didn't matter.
Now in adult life she avoids me we have not had a face to face in over ten years. My most recent memories of her is always some excuse why she wont be around me or how it is my fault things are the way they are if i could be different then she would want to be around me but instead of offering to help me and make sure i am moving forward at all she basically is not there and the excuse is she says your (my age) you should be able to do this yourself.
The biggest frustration with her is how she will own nothing of her wrongs and when i try to tell her how what she does makes me feel in a healthy way i am told i belittling her or makes up an excuse and hangs up the phone.
One of the biggest messages i got from her in my twenties when she working and helping pay for my housing. I would often ask her when they had their meetings with the extended family if she would let me go back and join the family because i did not have money for a plane ticket and the response was well we agrued a few times this so no not this and every year was always something i had done with to her that i did not to bee good enough to be part of christmas or our summer get together. It got to the point that my connection with that side of my family was non extistant too the point where it had been so long that i had contact with them that when threw i got news that one of them died it was sad but i know longer had a relationship with them so i didn't get the experice of knowing them and missing them. I always felt bad that i was not more sad but these people are now strangers that i dont know.
With the paasing years and always being told how i was too messed up to desever family i finally got an honest answer from her the real reason she didn't want me to go is because she was worried thst i ruin it for her. This is the woman who would make comments about how horrible my dad was for disappearing but too me it far more scaring to live in a home grow up in a childhood where almost my every day was a reminder about how different and abnormal i was. Feelings i have had to learn to deal with as adult.
Because i would for a long time early in my adult life feel like i was a monster and carried with me a sense of uncertainty when i show up in social circles. Always feeling like who i really was, was a shameful secret that i needed to keep burried because if you knew who i really was you reject me.
When it came to defending me or a stranger mother would always take the opposite side blaming me for what ever it was. I said too her once mom it sounds like if i was raped you blame for the wearing the wrong close.
Sounds like your parent is better than mine. Because i know my life with my mother would have been so different if i had been normal. She would always tell that by saying i would love to spend more time with you if you cpuld just act different. For a long time i believe the only way i was going to me loved is if i could get myself to a point where there was no more autisim in me.
I lived with this for a long time loathing my autism for making me so different. Telling myself things like i could accept my autism if i had a genius like i was really good at math or science. Since i didnt have then i was made different just to suffer. I thought god and the world curel for letting this thing rape me of my family friends and anything that made life worth living.
I didn't realize for a long time how much self hate i had and how much i had allowed others sin to hurt me. Still carring with me what should been in the past but was still i carried it with me to the present. I let this hurt rage and anger carry to the streets to be alone and almost to the point of suicide many many times. Yet like that happen to me many times before when i was writing something in another forum on aspergers where i realize that all what had ruin me was a result me and my ability to accept me for who i am. See i only thought i had accepted my autism but i only partially accepted it i still saw as a shameful thing that i could not be happy till it was gotten rid of. But the real solution was that i was not going to be truly happy till i accepted me. That moment changed everything and i realized that for the first time i was ok just as i am. The battle i had been fighting with the world could finally end and i could finally lay my weapon down. My war was over. Even as i write this here tears still well up in my eyes because i knew that this was when i truly became free.
My mother and her hurt anger and rejection of me is not my fault. It wasnt me because of my badness that made her turn away. I dont have to hurt over it anymore or let it control my present because it now lives where it should in the past.
Yet even writing this still shows me i have more work to do to regain my power and some day when i write something smilair to what i worte here it will be completly devoid of the anger and emotions that popped up while writing this.
Thanks for reading this far and responding i didnt expect to be this long.

Your parents grew up during a time when one was expected not to burden others with ones problems. The idea was everybody has problems, yours is nothing special go figure out how to solve them on your own like everybody else does. Those who can not solve their problems were viewed as having a mental illness and that was stigmatized and thus families did not tell anyone else if a member had a mental illness.

You can tell them and show them more current thinking that mental illness is a common thing and nothing to be ashamed of and that Aspergers is not really a mental illness but a development condition that is hardwired into our brains. It is hard to change ways of thinking that were drummed into us at an early age so you might have to accept they are incapable of changing their thinking.

Pretty much everybody wants their parents to be proud of them but it can't always happen. At age 18 you are becoming an adult. Part of being an adult is being an independent person. Doing that means sometimes doing things parents really dislike. This is a painful part of the process for all concerned. It is also a necessary part of the process. Being too eager to please one's parents or other people in general means smothering who one is and that causes a whole bunch of mental illnesses.

You parents...

Honestly outright disturb me. You cannot be at your best when trying to pretend to be someone else, and you shouldn't ever have to pretend for your parents, it is their job to adjust to you, not the other way around. They cannot expect you to act like what they want, because that isn't your job, or in anyway a fair burden for anyone to carry. They should work with you, not try to crush you into something you are not.

And I plan to adopt a child myself, I don't care what issue the kid has, even if it is severe RAD, I would feel beyond lucky to have that child and work with the child to help him/her grow, and I would never expect the child to be like I want. I decide to adopt a child, the child didn't decide to be adopted.

Even if a kid isn't autistic or adopted, a parent needs to learn to let go what they want the kid to be. Expectations will always be broken, and as a parent you need to learn to be flexible towards your child. The child comes first, it isn't the time to be selfish.

I'm sorry if this is ramdled.

I dont really want to distance myself though....If we just pretended my aspergers didnt exist things would be great. In all other aspects, I have amazing parents! Its only that one stupid thing that we cant get over. I mean, on good days my whole family is super close and kinda awesome. Now that we're all older and Im not a crazy demon child anymore, even me and my brothers get along really well, and I dont want that to change. We're finally at a point where everyone just gets along and theres no major problems. I just want my parents to still approve of me if I fully accept my diagnosis. Im not going to change anything in my life because of it-I know I still gotta act normal-but I want to be able to discuss it openly without feeling like its some big secret, ya know?