Memories stuck in my head

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Wondering if someone could help me out with this, but of a odd issue, but really with so many people on this planet how uncommon can this really be?

For like the past few years, on and off, I’ve had this issue where if I’m not distracted by something, I lose track of the external environment and my mind goes into autopilot, and I start almost ‘automatically’ ruminating over a certain group of past memories. I had a look on this forum and one thread brought this up, and I could see other users with ASD had this same issue. Even now when I’m typing my mind is going off. Others around me tell me that they can tell that I’m randomly thinking about something, and then stops again, like I drift in and out of thought randomly, if you get me?

It’s as if the memories stored in my long term memory continuously rebound into my short term memory. I used to feel resentful and hurt over all the crap from school, which is why I ruminated over it so much, now I don’t so much but the memories are still there. I’ve practised mindfulness, replacing thoughts with good ones etc. with some success, but they still pop into my awareness often, like automatic intrusive thoughts. Often times, it feels like I’m fully immersed in what happened in the past.

What should I do? I’ll be getting therapy soon, and I’m wondering if I should bring this up as it’s starting to impact my life, even if it seems ridiculous. I want to forget, but I just... can’t.

I relate.

When I am going through rough waters bad thoughts from come out of the woodwork of my mind.

Replaying of bad scenarios from the past.

When Im in an ok phase no thoughts, or pleasant stuff replays.

Not sure what advice to give.

Funny thing is that I am wresting with stuff as I write this. I played hooky from work today to get stuff done in my life, and though I feel guilty about playing hooky (couldn't even come up with a good lie to tell them), but on the other hand I feel good about getting stuff done. And a side effect is that it helped me to meditate on relationships with folks including a particular person at work. Trouble is that I am still in mid meditation about it all. Will hafta back to you later. Lol!

Mantra "here and now"

I think every human on this planet with a capacity to feel emotions has this, but the difference between us and other people is that our minds are a giant repeating movie. Bad memories get "programmed" as part of a daily routine, while for other people thoughts change more rapidly and routines are less solidified. Throughout the day I am overwhelmed with both good and bad memories because every single object I look at causes an explosion of related images in my head. I can't choose what I remember, but after a while sensory experiences become so much that I think my brain starts pushing stuff out.

I also think (though I'm not certain) neurotypicals have an easier time "dealing" with emotions because they can actually see them. Many people with ASDs are "disconnected" from emotion, but we still experience them, it just never meets the frontal lobe reasoning part of the brain and ends up stuck. I am under mild pressure from people all day because I don't give off the right cues and work in a highly-social environment. Over time this builds up into irritability and I lose control over my emotions because my frontal lobe can't constantly force them into submission just for the sake of behaving "appropriately".

With all of that said, and with neurotypicals included, everyone's brains keeps negative emotions over positive ones as a means to help people survive in a fight-or-flight situation. If anyone sees a bully that taunted them from the past, rather than discarding the memory and letting them forget your negative experience, the brain reactivates it to initiate a fight-or-flight response, where a person picks one of those two to protect themselves. With Aspergers the emotional impact of fight-or-flight can be heightened though, and it ends up getting "stuck" because it is harder to deal with it emotionally.

The problem with mindfulness and meditation and all that is that it’s essentially fake. You’re just sitting there doing nothing so of course stuff can power back through in your back thoughts.

Years ago I got saddled with a high maintenance dog. A pit bull. He was needy, HAD to sleep with me or he’d whine. HAD to be walked or petted or played with or he’d whine. Or stare at me. Or make a boofing sound. Whatever. He drove me crazy. I felt like beating him to death. But I didn’t. I walked him, played with him, stroked his dog chest. I’m not even a dog person.

This dog is now my best friend. He showed me what life is all about.

I have a four year old now and he’s much the same. I don’t sleep much. I gave up a lot that I used to care about. I don’t think as much these days and honestly I’m happier.

If I’m stuck in my thoughts I get up and do something that does not allow me to think.

So I would say for you, go outside and run. Or drink a bottle of hot sauce. I’m serious. Take a shower on all cold water. It WILL stop the thoughts.

What you are referring to is called a flashback.

In school, Aspies are subjected to a quite a bit of bullying. Another source describes flashback as "a sudden and disturbing vivid memory of an event in the past, typically as the result of psychological trauma ". This stress in school imprints on our brain as trauma. Many times when we are subjected to other stresses, these flashbacks come back.

The unvented stress is chemically stored in our nervous system. To relieve the condition one must vent this stress energy.

This is an interesting thread in that people are talking about understanding. experimenting with their own brain function. In short, and this is the view of modern brain science, also, 'you' are not your brain because there is a subject/object relationship here, so the situation is not mind equals brain but rather, at least to some degree, mind regulating brain, and this is an exciting window of opportunity. Of course it can go the other way, too, brain 'regulating' mind but imo that is not mindfully conscious (self-conscious) but more of a mechanical/conditioned process, not to imply the way the mind functions cannot also be mechanical, but the conscious aim can be for it not to be completely mechanical. Hope this is not too convoluted:-) Think it is pretty clear, actually. If someone reading does not immediately understand what I have written but is interested in this subject, I hope you will try to think about it. From this, a question arises: is it of functional value to try to think, or does thinking always just happen?

More to follow.

I have been doing that with Trauma Releasing Exercises, and I've signed up to the waiting list for EDMR therapy just today.

I just feel like this is more of an AS thing than a NT one, we tend to see connections in everything so you can probably see how it wouldn't take much for you to be reminded of what happened, even if it was years ago. I forgot about half the bullying in school anyway, but as soon as I remember one small event (which then becomes an unrepressed memory) it immediately gets added to that same "mental loop" with all the other bad memories I've remembered, going round my head like a mental hamster wheel, as if stuck in my immediate memory. It's like I need to clear my mental cache.

It seems like such a simple issue to fix doesn't it? but I just don't know how; my long-term memory is far better than my short-term which probably has something to do with it.

That happens to me a lot. I'm subject to having flashbacks. That's why I've got to keep busy.

Over 20 years ago, my ex was accusing me of being passive-aggressive. I have spent many hours puzzling over this since. As usual, IQ is almost useless as a substitute for EQ, but by grinding away, I finally hit the biggest probable cause (my counsellor seems to agree.) When she would get some hare-brained notion, I would just wait, instead of arguing with her myself. This robbed her of a fight, which she enjoyed. None of the previous partial explanations seemed adequate, but this issue feels ready to rest now.

I once had another recurring memory, passing by a few times a year at least for several years. A woman had asked me if I'd like to go for some coffee with her. I don't drink coffee, and was not thirsty, so I just said "No thanks" and left. Eventually, I realized that she was hoping for conversation.

The happiest repeaters are the successful jokes.

You probably have PTSD. It's not just something you get from coming back from war or getting raped. It doesn't even have to come from a single event. Rather, it can arise over a long period of time and series of events. Which in your case, was consistently getting bullied and embarrassed at school (I assume). And considering that you have ALL the symptoms, I would look into some ways for treating it.

Hypnosis may help. Choose a good hypnotherapist if you go for it

One hypnotherapist erased my bad memories. When I wanted to think about it, I just could not anymore, it was strange but I was releived

A tip that I was given that has proved useful is to write down the things that are bothering you. Nothing fancy just a list / bullet points.

You can always shred the paper afterwards.

Don't feel so bad.

Back in college I met a lady at a party who told me that she had just broken up with a guy, and later in the conversation she invited me to "see her stereo system" in her room. I didn't take her up on it because I was too busy that evening to look at someone's stereo.

The next day I realize how friggin stupid I had been. Decades later I still bitterly ...remembered it, and told it to the shrink who did my official diagnostic battery of tests. He even included the anectdote in my ten page report (rephrased in more clinical language, but there it is). That story alone probably convinced the panel that I was aspie, if not friggin ret*d.