What Actually Does it Mean to Give Eye-Contact?

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I am sure there has been many posts about “eye-contact” “making eye-contact” “not making eye-contact.”

I remember when I was at school I used to get 2 school reports a year. The official normal school report like everyone else but because I was in a Autistic Provision class I used to have a second school report where the teachers in the Autistic Provision would report where there concerns were in my behaviour in the classroom and where I am progressing and where I am not doing well.

I found one of my reports from the Autistic Provision a while ago and it said that ‘I lack eye-contact’ something that I wasn’t even aware of until I read this report years after leaving school.

My question is What Is Eye-Contact?

What am I suppose to do look at the person’s eye’s? When talking to someone I try to look at the person’s face. Try to look at the person’s lips to try and get understanding of what they are saying to me.

Although I have noticed even now when talking to people about midway into the conversation I realise I may not actually be looking directly at them. I may be looking at the wall behind them or if there is a window behind I might be focusing on the window or if there is a table I might look at the table. I tend to do this more with people I don’t know that well, but the more I get to know them the more I feel comfortable around them then I start making a bit more eye-contact or should I say look at there face.

Technically making eye contact means just looking directly at the person's eyes. As far as what you are supposed to look for, the eyes give a lot of information about what the person is communicating emotionally. These things are natural for nts to recognize but not for Autistics. So it is possible that you will never be able to actually read what the eyes are saying like an nt can. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's not something that we can naturally do.

This is a deep question. I used to do a lot of work in technical teams and I was a manager for years and I was married for about 10 years and these required me to be able to simulate normal eye contact. With people who understand that I'm autistic and know I'm listening and empathizing no matter what my eyes are doing, I will either look down or to the side or I will stare directly at the other person's eyes or their mouth (I sometimes need to read lips to help my verbal understanding), and I don't try to make appropriate facial expressions. I do that because making normal eye contact tends to impair my ability to think, speak, and understand another's speech. But with people who don't know I'm autistic, looking away can seem like I'm not listening or paying attention which hurts their feelings, and staring fixedly at the other's eyes can come across as haughty, rude or hostile.

When I'm around people who don't know I'm autistic, like work, there is a protocol people tend to follow. I learned this from carefully observing people for years. It can get exhausting in long conversations. When people begin an encounter or a conversation, they will initially look directly at the other person's eyes to show that attention is being given, and the eyes are opened slightly wider than normal to show an openness. This may last for a minute or so. People may nod their heads slightly to what is being said. After this it can be taken as a bit rude or aggressive to just stare into the other's eyes, so people tend to shift their gaze around briefly and then come right back to eye contact. When a question is asked, there is a tendency to open the eyes wider and look slightly downward, as if a memory is being recalled, some folks rub their chins with their hand and then eye contact is resumed when the answer to the question is spoken. If the conversation involves imagining a scene or occurrence, many people will widen their eyes and look slightly upward, as if they're looking to the horizon. If the other person is expressing strong feeling, like fears or anger or sadness, people will adopt an open facial expression and widen their eyes lol, nod slightly, and will mimic the other's facial expression (they will look slightly sad if the speaker is sad - looking happy or chuckling when the speaker is sad is often seen as insensitive). And if the conversation requires us to do some heavy thinking or reflection, it is common to look down or around a bit while thinking. People sort of traditionally make a very short direct eye contact out of courtesy when they say "thank you", like to a cashier. And most folks don't just fixedly stare at the midpoint of the pupils of the other's eyes while making direct eye contact; they usually will shift from that to looking at either the left eye or the right eye, sometimes will shift to looking at the mouth. It is generally safe to mimic the other person's eye motions, tone of voice, posture, and facial expression, so long as it is not done in an obvious way (which can seem like mocking the other).

I've made big mistakes in the past, when I was young, such as breaking eye contact, chuckling and looking amused when a superior was announcing an appointment that they were very proud of, which made them truly angry and cost me an internship. And I have face blindness (prosopagnosia), and I really can't see faces - just the individual features so I have to give extra attention to figure out what their eyes or facial expression are signaling. But I had to master communication through the eyes because for example when a person I managed would describe challenges or worries about work, I had to look attentive and caring. And when a director would tell me about some areas in which I needed to improve, I had to communicate that I took it seriously and was open and receptive. People can tell if you're looking at the wall behind them or a window or table - that's not right or wrong, it communicates being somewhat distant and reserved - but it can also indicate hiding something or even being deceptive. I hope this doesn't sound too complicated, I learned and practiced it in stages. I figure out what I want to signal (usually what is caring toward the other person) and what is appropriate and then I use the corresponding non-verbal signals. Eye contact, body language, hand gestures, tone of voice all are part of this near-instinctual communication behavior that signals all sort of things like social status, degree and type of interest or boredom, tells the other what kind of person we are, etc. NT's do this all automatically without much thought. I find I get much, much better responses from people when I do the simulation of normal eye contact and other signaling.

I don't force myself to make eye contact. For me, it ranges from bland to awkward and uncomfortable to try and do so. I get nothing from looking at someone's eyes in regards to information or nonverbal cues, and I had no idea that eye contact was even important to NTs until I read about it online. I don't think autistic people should be forced to make eye contact. To me, it's kind of silly that NTs would place so much importance on such a trivial thing like looking at someone's eyes.

I used to try to 'pretend' to look at someone's eyes by focusing on their nose or some other feature, then I either got distracted if someone has a weird nose or dodgy sideburns or I got uncomfortable if I thought they realised I wasn't looking at their eyes, either way I usually missed whatever they were saying so now I just don't even try to make the effort to fake it.

Would anybody expect a congenitally blind person to understand or produce eye-contact?

Assuming not, what difference does it make that our blindness to eye-contact is in our minds rather than our eyes? (not just a rhetorical question, I'm interested in any opinions.)

Great point and question Trogluddite. I think it is very wrong and destructive to force an autistic person to make eye contact or to expect them to. I've heard of cases of kids being forced into it or of adults being coerced to do it in situations like therapy and it happened to me as a child (I still feel anger at the memories). Some people will accuse a person who avoids eye contact of lying or being deceptive or they can interpret it as weakness or submissiveness. I experience difficulty thinking and processing language when I simulate normal eye contact and it is also exhausting. If someone tried to force me into it, I'd be hard pressed to keep my temper. But I often push myself into it...

Unfortunately most people do not understand that an autistic person may not be able to read another person's eyes or facial expressions or think while looking at their eyes. Some of us can't truly even see faces (I had a clinical psychologist I saw for 9 years who could never understand my prosopagnosia). So the difference is NTs see a blind person and don't expect them to engage in non-verbal communication through eye contact or to interpret people's facial expressions. But they will naturally (mis)interpret an autistic person's lack of eye contact or "abnormal pattern" of eye contact as if they were an NT and read it as (1) not paying attention, (2) hiding something or being dishonest, (3) hostility, (4) being uncaring or impatient, (5) being extremely socially subservient, etc., etc. They naturally misinterpret, because they either don't know the person is autistic or don't understand autism or don't care.

It's the problem of being born and living on the "Wrong Planet". I truly wish I could just be myself, be authentic and be accepted and understood. My counselor wants me to do this with her and it's been so long, I've sort of lost my natural self - the conditioning and habit is so strong. I've spent most of my life pretending to be normal in order to survive in the NT world. As autistics we have our own special magic and unique personalities to share. I used to be white-hot-angry about it for years , until I realized that these social-robot chuckle-headed NTs are actually mostly nice people who are as much confined to their social NT brain neurology as autistics are subject to their neurology. I used to go to an autistic support group, thinking there might be a way to transcend the problem, but the people in the group were all working as hard as I was to act like NTs.

If eye contact is a form of communication, why is it so difficult for the "pros" to figure out when someone doesn't speak the language? And if they can figure it out, what's the value of encouraging "eye babble"?