Possible Aspergers?

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I am new to WP. I have been doing extensive research on Asperger Syndrome and the more I look into it, the more I am convinced that this is what has been "wrong" all along. I put "wrong" in quotes because I believe I have a mild case and mild cases seem like more of a difference than a disorder. I have taken the AQ test and got a score of 29 which is apparently considered "borderline". I have also been a victim of Narcissistic abuse while growing up and realize that this may have had an effect as well, but looking back to my early childhood I think something was always a bit "off". I didn't start talking late (a bit early actually) and became very verbal early on, but then at the age of 3 or 4 I apparently "shut down" and became a lot less verbal and more to myself. I didn't lose any words, just turned very shy and introverted. My husband and I were also looking through my baby pictures one day and he commented how I barely smiled in any of my baby pictures. He then said that maybe I was "just shy". This is another thing that bothers me. My whole life I have been described as "just shy" which bothered me because I always felt that there was something more going on. I didn't interact with peers much growing up but this wasn't so much out of fear as it was a feeling that I was from another planet or left in a foreign country knowing only 5 words. I had no idea how to converse or how to relate. I also had almost zero desire to socialize, which still remains true to this day. Even very early on, 2nd grade I think it was, my teacher told my mother that she was "concerned" because I seemed to have no interest in participating in class discussions or interacting with the other girls. Sometimes we would be doing an activity in class and everyone would break into groups and I would be left on the sidelines scratching me head. How do they know who to pick for their group? (THEIR FRIENDS!) and it would happen really fast, with the whole class running around the room to break into their groups and I would just be standing there like "what's going on?" Similar things would happen in gym class. I have always sucked at sports, which apparently is another AS trait, although I did OK in some individual sports. I just remember gym class being somewhat traumatizing from people yelling, running everywhere, and balls flying everywhere. It was like sensory overload and an anxiety attack every time. My reaction time sucks as well so I was never fast enough either. One thing I have read that has hit really close to home is that women on the spectrum tend to get along better with men that with other women. This is very true for me as I also work in a male dominated field (engineering) and have always felt like my brain works more like a man's. Even in early primary school, most of my friends were boys as I didn't quite "get" the other girl's behavior. I was more interested in the guys and their new toys! I have tried to find autism spectrum disorders in my family but don't know if it's there. I don't see it on my mother's side. My paternal grandfather was an engineer and somewhat of a cold and distant type but he died before I was born so I can't really say if that was just his personality or if he seemed Aspergerish. My father has severe substance abuse issues, a genius IQ and has always been a "loner" but again, I don't know if this makes him an Aspie. People have also commented throughout my life on my "flat affect" and it was pointed out to me multiple times as a child how I "never smiled."

Sorry this was long but does anybody have any insight? Thanks.

That does sound like Asperger's to me, at least the social aspect of it. Do you have any intense special interests or repetitive behaviours that you engage in?

Sort of but not to the extent of some other people on the spectrum. I have been guilty of mild stimming (hair twirling, slight rocking). I don't have any unusual obsessions but do have a tendency to become obsessed with a topic and do an extensive amount of research on it and then move on. My latest interest, ironically, is Asperger Syndrome

That does sound like an Asperger's thing. I have done the same thing at times.

So, essentially you do have unusual obsessions. The stims are a bit of a giveaway as well. Obsessions by the way, tend to change over time. Mine certainly do. Many female Aspies also do seem to be more sociable, or at least better at appearing to be so. Your description of your brain as being more 'male' and your paternal family history seems also strongly indicative of ASD. I really doubt that the standard AS diagnositc tests properly account for the symptoms of female Aspies, which may account for your borderline score.

Welcome to the forums

I'd love to read what you have to say, but a long text without paragraphs is too hard for me.

Welcome to wrong planet

What are you looking to accomplish with your suspicions?

Are you unsure how to proceed from this point?

I will break this up into paragraphs to try to make this easier to read

I am new to WP. I have been doing extensive research on Asperger Syndrome and the more I look into it, the more I am convinced that this is what has been "wrong" all along. I put "wrong" in quotes because I believe I have a mild case and mild cases seem like more of a difference than a disorder. I have taken the AQ test and got a score of 29 which is apparently considered "borderline". I have also been a victim of Narcissistic abuse while growing up and realize that this may have had an effect as well, but looking back to my early childhood I think something was always a bit "off".

I didn't start talking late (a bit early actually) and became very verbal early on, but then at the age of 3 or 4 I apparently "shut down" and became a lot less verbal and more to myself. I didn't lose any words, just turned very shy and introverted. My husband and I were also looking through my baby pictures one day and he commented how I barely smiled in any of my baby pictures. He then said that maybe I was "just shy". This is another thing that bothers me. My whole life I have been described as "just shy" which bothered me because I always felt that there was something more going on.

I didn't interact with peers much growing up but this wasn't so much out of fear as it was a feeling that I was from another planet or left in a foreign country knowing only 5 words. I had no idea how to converse or how to relate. I also had almost zero desire to socialize, which still remains true to this day. Even very early on, 2nd grade I think it was, my teacher told my mother that she was "concerned" because I seemed to have no interest in participating in class discussions or interacting with the other girls. Sometimes we would be doing an activity in class and everyone would break into groups and I would be left on the sidelines scratching me head. How do they know who to pick for their group? (THEIR FRIENDS!) and it would happen really fast, with the whole class running around the room to break into their groups and I would just be standing there like "what's going on?"

Similar things would happen in gym class. I have always sucked at sports, which apparently is another AS trait, although I did OK in some individual sports. I just remember gym class being somewhat traumatizing from people yelling, running everywhere, and balls flying everywhere. It was like sensory overload and an anxiety attack every time. My reaction time sucks as well so I was never fast enough either.

One thing I have read that has hit really close to home is that women on the spectrum tend to get along better with men that with other women. This is very true for me as I also work in a male dominated field (engineering) and have always felt like my brain works more like a man's. Even in early primary school, most of my friends were boys as I didn't quite "get" the other girl's behavior. I was more interested in the guys and their new toys! I have tried to find autism spectrum disorders in my family but don't know if it's there. I don't see it on my mother's side. My paternal grandfather was an engineer and somewhat of a cold and distant type but he died before I was born so I can't really say if that was just his personality or if he seemed Aspergerish. My father has severe substance abuse issues, a genius IQ and has always been a "loner" but again, I don't know if this makes him an Aspie. People have also commented throughout my life on my "flat affect" and it was pointed out to me multiple times as a child how I "never smiled."

Sorry this was long but does anybody have any insight? Thanks.

What makes Aspergers so hard is that everyone is really different from each other. Unlike genetic diseases like Down's Syndrome.

But, you can study this forum and find that some of us have the same problem. Some of us are even clever enough to find ways around common problems that effect some of us. Just ignore the folks who say they have autism and don't have that problem.

A common problem is sensitivity to noise. So there are experts here on ear protectors and noise cancelling headphones.

They are traits that a person on the spectrum would have.

I am not questioning that you have good reasons to be suspicious of being an Aspie. I am just wondering how you want this information to help you. Different people use this information in different ways. Maybe at this point you are just not ready to go forward, you just need to think about it for awhile, that is perfectly fine.

You can read the threads here and likely find out there are others like you which can be very helpful. You can ask for help and coping methods with specific issues or rant together with other people “get it”.

I don't know if I want to pursue a formal diagnosis at this point because I don't know if it will make a difference. It might even make things worse, having a "disability" on record. I just wanted to get some input first which is why I posted on WP since so many here have personal experiences with ASD. So I guess for the time being, it's more for validation and seeing if others on here can relate.

Deciding whether or not to seek a formal diagnosis is a very personal decision. Some people will say that, "you can't claim to have autism without a doctor's diagnosis!" but I think that assuming the research has been thorough (as yours appears to be based on your OP), many people are able to accurately identify autism in themselves. I personally was self-diagnosed for the better part of 2-3 years before getting my formal diagnosis. I wanted my diagnosis on paper partly because I couldn't stop doubting myself or my reality without it, and partly because I needed services at school and work. I've found my diagnosis to be of significant benefit in getting medical, work and life supports, and I'm currently in a position where working is too difficult due to my symptoms, so I'm applying for SSDI, which I couldn't do without documentation.

That said, if you don't need formal supports at work or home, and you feel like you function at a level that is acceptable to you currently, I would say that there's not necessarily a reason -- beyond your own peace of mind and the acceptance of people in your life who may not buy self-diagnosis -- to pursue a formal evaluation, which can be very cost-prohibitive, assuming you can even find someone to do the assessment on adults in your area.

Concerning the symptoms you listed, they are suggestive of autism (technically Asperger's no longer exists thanks to the DSM 5). I especially resonated with your preference for isolating yourself as a child, and the sensory overload that was gym class. I had those experiences a lot too. My mom was forever pushing me into social situations because she thought I was "just shy" and needed to make more friends.