newly diagnosed, struggling to cope with self image

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Dear nice people,

i'm 32 and after a to say the least extremely rocky life not knowing what was going on, i recently got diagnosed with autism
i've got a kind of embarassing question:

what is it with me and my self image? i'm at an adult age,
and i absolutely hate my face. Ofcourse i can point out less attractive parts of me, but also good features. But its more like i can only see the parts but not the whole image, and that makes me insecure. It scares me and makes me incredibly uncertain , and thus making me feel horrendous. I still dont know how i look, if that makes sense.

Fe; i'm losing my hair, and i know nobody cares. I dont even care. But the thought of it scares me to death.
My teeth arent quite that pretty anymore biting on them permanently like it's a job, i'll focus on them even though i know they are still nothing to be really embarassed about. I know people get burn wounds so i'm not gonna "complain" about my stupid teeth. But its more like this:
I feel like a freak cause i cannot "gage" my self image.
i dont really care about self image. I dont care about clothes, and i just take care of myself. It's more of a panic thing if it makes sense...It's like i cant know how i look, even in pictures i've never recognised myself, aligned myself with a healthy self image. I cannot see what i look like, if that makes sense. So that's why i feel ugly or like a freak, i'ts like i see myself as a puzzle that fell on the ground but i cant see the whole image. So the whole puzzle is something i have to make up in my mind and thus the results are ugly, wonky... It's incredibly scary and ten seconds in front of the mirror will freak me out for days. Not that i "know that i'm ugly". Its more like a Hitchcock feel then a "Saw the movie" feel. It freaks me out more than i know that i've got actual ugly features. I know nobody really cares about looks if i'm not to much in their face so who cares. So i know that it's a part of life, and i know looks arent everything. I just dont know what mirror to trust, and all the pictures i seem different. It freaks me the hell out.

I've endured insane amounts of bullying over my looks cause i was born with a big bump on my forehead but i've got a feeling that wasn't a too real part of it, as most kids go through that. Can it have to do something with autism?

It's not healthy, i've now not looked in the mirror for four months, and i've gone through years not looking (not joking), only being able to look at the parts seperately with a tiny mirror (so i' know that i'm not going out with f.e. sleepy eyes). So i can go out looking normal and kept, but i still have no f*****g clue how i look and it scares me to death. Its time to now deal with this stuff cause i want to feel normal.
I work out, eat healthy and all that jazz to an insane amount but i still feel like i'm IT.

Please , i hope someone can understand what on earth i'm rambling about.

I'm sorry if i'm posting too much on this forum, its all new and its like the damn broke lose and its all coming out after staying silent for 32 years of absolute hell.

Can you recognize other people pretty easily? Maybe you just have prosopagnosia and didn't know that was a thing. It seems to be a common comorbid.

Good morning,
I don't think you are alone. I can look back to periods in my life I found parts of my apearance or my manner things I did not like at all. The feature of my autistic profile where I keep giving things lots of my attention did not help so it didn't.

When one thinks of themselves as a defective person because of flawed character it is quite natural to see oneself as physically ugly.

Most people that have been constantly bullied feel they are defective people in many ways. Convincing others to feel defective is what gets bullies off, that is the whole point of bullying. Many bullies are quite good at it because they are skilled at finding weakness and flaws in other people and they know how to exploit these.

Autistic people are often vulnerable to bullying and its associated mental damage because we often do not know it is happening at first and do not know how to counter it. We tend to perseverate about things and when they are negative things planted in our heads by bullies it is difficult.

Everybody has flaws, that does not usually mean they are flawed people as a whole. The key to undoing the mental damage bullies do is realizing it wasn't your fault and how and what they did to you and why they did it.

Maybe it’s body dysmorphic disorder?

I'm very thankfull for this forum.

After talking to my doctor, she said i was already getting self concious after series of "very severe" bullying at middle school.
I downplayed it cause i think i didnt want to remind myself my entire youth was people calling me
"alien head" or whatever cause of the bump on my forehead.
I stil cannot get over it. She calls it PTSD. It sounds to dramatic as i always thought that was for soldiers and stuff.

But to be fair, i cannot recall one day without someone calling me ugly, my family members still do it regularly even though they know i cannot take it (anymore). I'm a grown man and kids still call me horrible names. I can hardly say something bad cause their innocent kids. Adults at work do the same. I can hardly say something back cause i'm an adult and wont be bothered with hating other people cause i'll feel even worse. It's still very hard to do.

I hope i can get over it. Thank u so much.

Just know that you're a decent person, with decent morals.

It is probable that you are not as "ugly" as you think you are.

My experience (including my own experience) states that people frequently over-estimate their own "ugliness."

I have a permanent (small) bump on my head which is noticeable, by the way.