I was just thinking about how shame may make some of us do everything the opposite shaming tries to acheive. We might not do the thing again, but then become frightened of doing the shameful thing to a point of obsession. It could just make us shut down and not function. I noticed in a recent experience of feeling shamed it can feel as violent as a heart attack. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and get medicine, but it helps only so much with this.
I overapologize and try very hard to act nice to avoid being shamed. These can seem like positive things, but it leads to being submissive and unable to stand up for yourself. I was bullied for years in school, and teachers blamed me for what others did. I became terrified of people as it seemed people would emotionally abuse me for no reason.
Worse people using that as a reason to infantilize you. To say now you can't do things you would enjoy because the people involved might be dangerous, while insisting you go to a school where dangerous bullies are allowed to torment you. That you have to go to groups with people who for whatever reason act childlike. You begin to feel you'll never be allowed to grow up.
I was reading a post where a mother caught her son's porno on his PC or phone and wanted to discourage him. He's a teenager, and he's going to find other ways of getting what he wants. Furthermore he'll see his mom as untrustworthy and just cut her out of his life.
You see what I'm getting at here is people might say we're manipulative. Many of us have been manipulated our entire lives. I'm not saying that justifies malicious and abusive manipulation. What I am saying is for some people on the spectrum they won't simply burn the bridge, they'll launch a nuclear bomb decimating the bridge, the nearby town, and the forest. Once you've gotten the mistrust of someone on the spectrum it's very very hard to gain it back.
This is why I have a difficult time in understanding why parents see shame as anything other than poisionous. Especially with Autism spectrum people. You shame us, now we see you as a monster. We'll even avoid situations just for fear of being shamed.
And you have pop culture BS like technology phobia and shaming kids over screen time. I had a therapist try this on me, I forgot how strong my dissociation was. I grew up with gaming and the internet. I live in a suburb, I say Chicago to be less easily located. Without the internet I'd be disconnected from the music scene, friends I have involved with that from elsewhere. It'd sure be jolly if I could walk out and just meet people, but most people are normalish. I mean they might like the latest thing on the alt rock station, but I have to go on the net to find people who know Industrial bands outside Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson.
I realized this was terrifyimg because I don't have the means to just go live in Chicago for various reasons among them crime. I need technology. It's horrifying to me that someone would see I'm happily playing Nintendo Switch one minute, then work on forcing me away from that.
I've surely probably wrote too much or something. I'm trying to understand why when shame is so toxic to us why anyone would use it? It's toxic in general. Why should someone have to beg and plead to feel safe and happy, isn't that what torturers do?
I just am opening this up for whatever you want to discuss. It's very confusing and upsetting to think there's this much lack of empathy for children that parents think this is okay.
13 Jun 2018, 1:56 am
