I find confrontation so difficult still? Am I the only one?

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I’m coming up to 42 years old and am still so polite and considerate to others and feel so embarrased about having to confront others, even when they deserve it. I’m such a big empath too, contrary to the autism stereotype. I’ve had my moments don’t get me wrong where I’ve really blown my stack but all in all I feel the reason I’m so nice etc is because I’m not selfish and again contrary to the AS stereotype I feel I am so aware of certain social behaviours and I know better than to lower myself to that obnoxiousness

You might be interested in a recent thread on Highly Sensitive Persons. I had to google search it, but it sounds a lot like you, and me, and others in having to do with empathy.

I personally have had to put up some barriers in my life in order to protect myself. That said, I have also decided that it is OK for me to stand firm on my values, which includes treating others with respect even when their comments and actions anger me. The key here was learning what my values are. I had to learn what they were and know them thoroughly so they formed a firm foundation from which to express myself. Staying calm inside with my values has helped me tremendously.

Confrontation can be tricky and it's hard for a lot of people, not just autistics. I've had to do it before as a facilitator of a group and also as a manager. The tricky part is to do it in such a way so as not to trigger the other person into taking it personally. When I've had to confront unacceptable behavior, I have to think it through a bunch of times first. I try to frame it as helping the other person be aware of a behavior that is causing a problem for them or for someone else, rather than as me expressing anger or outrage. The danger is if I trigger them into becoming defensive, then they are less able to hear me describe the problem behavior plus they're generally less willing to consider alternate behaviors or appropriate changes. So I approach it as the two of us looking at the behavior together and analyzing the negative outcomes and what the alternatives are. Sometimes I'll actually sketch things on a piece of paper. I try to signal with body language, tone of voice and facial expression that I'm interested in helping them, rather than in putting them down. Nodding my head slightly and making eye contact that is open and receptive definitely helps. And it's also important for me to hear what they are saying, including if they get defensive - because if I don't, then the communication tends to break down. Everybody is different in how they deal with criticism - which is a challenge for me because I'm autistic and have a hard time reading their face and vocal inflection which makes it hard to know if I'm getting through versus angering them. There have been times when a person I managed would spiral up and up in anger and volume of voice and I couldn't get through no matter how mildly I spoke with them. And it works the other way around too - when I get confronted (I always have a wave of fear come over me initially) I try my best to think of it as a person trying to help me see a behavior that's not good for me or others, rather than as a threat or expression of personal hatred, lol.

I also have a difficult time with confrontation. I'd rather be sweet and polite than confront people and be hurtful.