Receiving gifts is extremely stressful

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When holidays approach I begin to get nervous. What if I get something I don't like. I CAN'T lie about it. I try and I'm horrible at it and I'm transparent. Then I feel enormous guilt at not appreciating what a loved one has given me. Then they feel terrible.

I feel so wrong. Like no one else does this and how can I possibly be this way. I try to tell my SO not to get me anything ever but he just doesn't believe me. It causes so much stress I'd just rather not receive a gift ever again.

Anyone else? I don't even know if this is an autism thing.

when I was growing up my parents would always have me make a list of what I wanted, and they would pick things off of that list. that way it's a surprise but it's still something you like. could that possibly work as a compromise? some people express affection or gratitude through material goods, so being forbidden from giving you anything ever might be frustrating for your SO. although it also kind of sounds like he's not totally understanding you should we come up with a different way to explain it to him instead of just defaulting to compromise?

I get stressed out receiving gifts, too, but somehow the people around me worked out that they should only pick stuff that I've pointed out to them, so I don't usually have to worry about not liking something I've been given. I still worry about responding appropriately and also silly things like "deserving" what I've been given and stuff, though.

I don't like receiving gifts either. The social expectations are just too much. Have you told your boyfriend exactly why you don't want gifts? Maybe he doesn't believe you because you haven't explained the reason.

There isn't a great time to tell him that I don't want presents. If I tell him right after he's given me something he'll surely know I disliked it. If I tell him some other time he'll want an explanation.

He says he likes surprising me. I told him I hate surprises. He has given me several great gifts and I have no problem with those. But it's specific things that aren't my style or that i'll never use, and they're always expensive. I have a big problem with waste too. I hate wasting money. I hate owning extra things.

It was the same growing up at Xmas and birthdays. My mom never got me what I wanted. Then I always felt horrible that she wasted money on me.

I wouldn't celebrate any holidays at all if it were up to me. In fact, for many years I didn't celebrate. It was great. But having friends and family...I don't know why..they just like buying crap.

Then give him an explanation!

Honestly, if people close to you aren't listening to your or treating you the way you ask, or you're not really telling them because you are afraid of the outcome, the problem is more fundamental than your dislike of gifts: It's a problem with the relationships.

Me too. At an early age, I realized there was far greater downside than upside to receiving a gift. The aftermath involves a complex, ongoing dance of back-and-forth sociability, and it must be done with complete sincerity, and bobbling any step -- which is inevitable! -- will painfully derail the entire process.

And, sure, there's a downside to telling people you don't want gifts. But in my experience, it's a more minor downside, and closer to the zone of social acceptability if tactfully conveyed.

I guess it's an aspie thing; either that or I'm just a clod.

Then why not be completely open about not liking celebrations and gifts? Real friends and close family should understand you and should also not expect you to buy them presents either.

In case you still succumb to the pressure of buying presents for others, that might be the reason why you still receive unwanted presents. If you stop giving out presents, explain why, and find other ways of showing your affection and appreciation – not focused on specific dates and material objects, then your family and friends may feel less compelled to continue to buy and give you presents.

I have received so few gifts in my life that I really can't relate to the premise.

I suppose it would be like many other social encounters where you could work out a script of your reaction and practice reacting prior to this gift giving activity.

What holiday is approaching?

It is not particularly an autism-thing. It is cultural.
In our culture, with all its complex rules concerning give-and-take, MANY people have difficulty recieving. (the guilt-thing).
Many people also have that "honesty"-conflict about it.

Your friend means it wholeheartedly, but you have to tactical here.
Couldn´t you, sort of "casually" mention - that you are working out a list over things, you need for a special project?
It might turn on a lightbulp.

I also don't like to receive gifts. My family has been more realistic about the gifts that they've given me over the past few years which helps. It was worse before than. I was given gender specific things for Christmas by my mum before than. I was born female, but I strongly identify as male. I on the other hand love to buy gifts for my friends and family. I'm able to buy for the repentant and everyone loves what I give them.

I get the same way. While I really appreciate the fact that someone took the time to pick something out and spend their money on me, I get anxious that I won't like the gift or find it useful. I find birthdays and holidays very stressful because of that and I'm relieved when they are over. I usually just suggest that people get me a gift card or look at my Amazon wish list that I made.

No, I like getting gifts. I usually only get gifts from people who know me very well and know what I'll like, so for the most part I like them.
I'm probably not all that good at pretending to be happy about things I don't like, but I'm not worried about it; if people can't even be bothered to find out what I like, I'd rather they didn't give me anything at all, or just ask for a list. If I have to give something to someone I don't know well, I'd much prefer them to just give me a list of things in the right price range so I can't go wrong.
The things we could so easily avoid if people could just speak up!

I don't like getting gifts because of the absurd 'Surprise' factor meaning it must be some uknown gift wrapped thing. Like last christmas getting a travel bag after I'd already gotten myself a travel bag for work. It still hasn't been used.

I sometimes think I should just get a storage unit and give someone the key so they can add their crap to the pile.

The strange thing of all this is I often think the whole ritual of wrapping and unwrapping presents at birthdays or for Christmas is great fun....... for kids. But as an adult I would really be content to just have good drink and a nice dinner out. As a person over 40 now when I visit my parents and we still do this a Christmas, to me it feels weird and ridiculous.

Well, I told my SO and it didn't go great. I think I just hurt his feelings. Which is what the truth does. NT people care more about maintaining feelings than the truth. And I can understand, I don't like my feelings hurt either.

He didn't really understand either. Said maybe for birthdays and other small holidays, but for Xmas he was getting me a gift. I'm atheist, he is pretty much too. I told him Xmas was the worst holiday. When I was a kid I insisted this to my mom. Don't get me anything. She wouldn't listen either. Nobody gets it, so thanks for your bad advice. And yeah, duh, I have problems in my relationships. I have effin autism ffs. I'm not perfect. And my communication sucks. It's well established.

Oh well.

With your SO, if he is so insistent on buying you gifts, give him a list of gifts you would like or things you would like instead of a gift.

With other people, try to see the gift as a more symbolic expression of their consideration for you. This person was going about their day, and went out of their way in your honor. The end result may not have been beneficial to you but in some instances, it might be, and that benefit would not have been possible if the person never thought of you to begin with.

So is it even about getting gifts you don't like or you just literally hate getting them because of the surprise or whatever? Just seems kind of purposely disrespectful if you've requested he doesn't get you random very expensive gifts regardless of your reason if he's going to be your boyfriend he should respect you...not just insist on continuing to do something that makes you uncomfortable. I mean if he's not even at the very least willing to let you give him guidelines on what you like then it really does seem like he's being willfully obnoxious.

I myself don't have a huge aversion to gifts, and anymore most family and such gives me money or gift cards or insists I can take it back for an exchange or refund if I don't like it. Otherwise its small things not just another junk item to haul around every time I move. But yeah I would be pretty bothered if my boyfriend insisted on spending money on me but on things I don't like and refused to listen to any of my input about it.