Taking you seriously, OP, I have to say that nobody here is qualified to offer the help you're seeking. This is very sensitive work, and very serious work, and you really need to work with a qualified professional in order to safely do what you need.
I hope you are able to find someone to work with, and that you have sufficient disability insurance or other coverage to accomplish this. I'm not brushing you off, not at all; what you have described is a serious condition, and really has to be competently treated in order for results to "stick".
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"I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are the good people and the bad people," said the man. "You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides."
-- Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!