The purpose of "thank you"

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As someone who has been ostracized for not saying thank you -- despite the fact that I know for a fact I was greatful for wahtever was done to me I just forgot to say thank you -- I am thinking about why I have to face this problem on the first place. I mean, if someone does to you something for which the gratitude is self-evident, whats the point of actually saying that you are greatful, any more than saying that the earth is round? What piece of information do you convey (other than the information thats self evident)? Could the whole thing be related to stereotype that autistics don't have the needs most people do, so the purpose of saying "thank you" is basically "by the way I am not autistic, so I acknowledge what you just done for me?" I realise thats not what people "explicitly" think -- or else why would non-autistics say thank you if people already know htey aren't autistics, and why would they tell autistics to say it if it would amount to teaching them to lie? But maybe thats what they think "implicitly". Since autism was around all along, even long before it was known, the customs were developed to exclude those people, and one of those customs is saying "thank you".

To let the person doing something for somebody that their efforts were appreciated.

Your gratitude is not self-evident; other people cannot see into your mind and emotions.

It shouldn't really be forced, the saying thank you bit, because what the phrase is supposed to convey is that you're not totally self-centered and you actually appreciate the other's effort, and that you have some bit of class, which is absent among the standard ingrate which makes up the bulk of human society.

Forced class just defeats the purpose of cultivating genuine gratefulness. The perfunctory "thank you, have a nice day" that is common in the retail business world does trivialize the phrase somewhat.

I like to say thank you. Are you. Russian by any chance?

Yes I am from Russia. How were you able to guess that?

Always say spaceeba......be a respectful little boy. Just having fun. Malchik as you know means little boy. People like us to say thank you. Shows appreciation.

I'd have to agree with History Gal.

It's better to say "thank you," even if it seems "phony" and superfluous.

I used to speak a bit of Russian. Self taught. Your screen name caught my attention. Btw, Russians are excessively polite. Great culture.

My mother's side is of Russian/Jewish descent....totally.

Krafty, you just got even more interesting. Smile

I was taught to say "Thank you" to people. I make a point of thanking clerks, for instance, because they have a difficult job dealing with the public.
Who knows, maybe I be the one ray of sunshine in a otherwise bad day.

This actually mentions the exact misconception I am trying to challenge: that selfish people don't appreciate the effort. Why wouldn't they? Doesn't the effort feed into their *selfish* desire of feeling important? In my case I, admittedly, am selfish, yet I appreciate people's effort (even though I forget to verbalize it).

The reason I split hairs like that is because I had plenty of incidents when I been told I presumably "don't want" something I really DO want. So if people's concern is *ME* as evident by them saying its *ME* who doesn't want something, why don't they believe me when I say that yes I want it? Here are a couple of examples of it:

1. A girl would reject me because she believes I want to be left alone. Then I would tell her no I don't want to be left alone, and she would be like "well you did such and such thats why I thought that". And I would be like "okay can I have a second chance not to make that mistake" and she woudl insist not to give me a second chance. But wait a second: if she thought it was *ME* who wanted to be left alone, why wouldn't my begging for second chance prove it wrong? In other words, why would someone who wants to be left alone be begging not to be?

2. Professors would refuse to give me their project because, presumably, *I* am not interested in what they do (as evident from my talking about my own work too much and not asking anything about their work). Then I say "yes I am very much interested in what you do, it is just that I wanted to first finish talking about my work and then ask about your work and I didn't get to that point until you jumped to conclusion". But they don't believe me. The question is: if presumably I am not interested in what they do, why would I be begging to work with them?

Now that you see those examples, let me tell you why I split hairs when it comes to thank you. You see how in the above examples people were denying that I want certain thing even though it is OBVIOUS that I want it? Well, that is the EXACT point of saying "thank you": to convey something thats obvious.

And now lets go to your quote. You said that selfish people don't feel gratitude. Well, that assumption is equally paradoxical as the behavior of the people above, and those two paradoxes are really one and the same. People assume that selfish people don't have needs. So they assume selfish people

a) want to be left alone
b) aren't interested in the projects they say they are interested
c) don't feel enjoyment when eing helped.

Well, part "c" is what you been referring to, and part c is, in fact, the purpose of thank you. But all three of those assertions are completely wrong. Selfish people DO have needs.

And finally, lets get back to autism. If, logically, a selfish person WOULD have all of those needs, where did the assumption that they don't have them come from? IT COMES FROM AUTISM! Autistics *presumably* have no social needs *and* autistics are *presumbaly* selfish. So, if people are autism-aware a bit too much, they would lump together selfishness with not having basic needs and *then only* it would make sense why would someone have to state their *obvious* needs (via thank you) in order to show they aren't selfish. If it wasn't for autism, selfishness and basic needs would have been two very different things.

Last edited by MalchikBrodyaga on 27 Jun 2018, 12:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, "malchik" means boy -- not necesserely little boy, just "boy". The word "brodyaga" means "wonderer". I named myself after the song about boy who wonders from place to place all the time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg5TvuDIFng Basically I identify with that song because I keep going from school to school (bachelor's, Masters, fist ph.d., three postdocs, a visitting position, second ph.d., will see what will be next). I am originally from Russia, but I did postdocs in India. Everything else I did in the US, but in different states. So yeah, thats why I named myself after that song.

Are you saying half Russian half Jewish, or are you saying genetically 100% Jewish, but *from* Russia?

In my case I am genetically 100% Jewish, but *from* Russia; the same applies to my parents, grandparents, etc.

I have nothing against saying thank you. What I am against is people making judgements about me when I forget to say it. And this is part of a more general tendency: if I forget to do all sorts of other things people assume I am not enjoying things I most obviously do, and don't believe me when I tell them they are wrong.