Questioning my diagnosis...AGAIN!! !

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Yesterday, my psychologist told me about various ways in which I was making progress.

There was one instance where we were talking and he said something I didn't quite 100% agree with, and instead of arguing I said, "I hadn't really thought about it that way before", to which he told me that was a really good answer because it still gives validation to his perspective. He also said he didn't think I would have done that a year ago, that I would have argued.

I had been telling him about how I'd gotten into an argument in my Asperger's group and had been worrying that it would scare away some of the quieter members, and he told me that was really good insight.

And so now I'm, yet again, questioning my diagnosis. I thought I'd accepted it, and then as soon as I'm told about some things I've done that would be socially good, I'm suddenly back to questioning it.

It's really frustrating. I do want to make progress, but why can't I make progress without doubting the diagnosis?

If you have not done so you should talk to your clinician about your doubts.

All I can add is that Autistic people are just that people. People can make progress, learn, adapt etc. That does not mean they are or never were Autistic.

A popular theory is that Autistics do not have a theory of mind ie. poor or no ability to understand that others think differently. So if you can do that or express it when you could not do so before he will think of it as progress.

Well? What diagnosis do you want?

You know it is possible to be Autistic and still be able to learn and adapt? I am certain that a huge number of us born many decades ago may have learned faster to "hide" our traits simply because nobody believed anything about our behaviors and learning was anything but "attitude." When you grow up with everyone believing it's just your stubbornness you find yourself between a rock and a hard place and somehow find a way to squeeze out by pretending to be normal. Acting comes easier than accepting there's something different about you when society doesn't give you a choice.

But it doesn't change the truth. If there really IS something different in our hardwiring, there really is, but even a computer hardwired to operate differently from others can be adapted to function almost the same as every other computer by adapting the firmware and software. We are a lot like that. Having learned to see things from other's perspectives, or even just getting so far as to think about it doesn't mean the hardwiring is changed or the same was NT's. It just means we've figured out how to rethink our thinking so that we appear externally to function as others do.

You can make a Mac run Windows, but it's still a Mac, and the Mac has to jump through a lot more hoops digitally speaking to appear and operate like a Windows machine, but it's still a Mac.

What will really convince you is, if you get worn out doing what it takes to appear NT, it's because it takes a lot more deliberate effort for you than it does for an NT.

The only reason I would ever doubt my diagnosis now is if I could do what I've learned effortlessly.

My diagnosis was just a few years ago, while I was in my 50s. Had I known at an earlier age (say ... pre-teens?), that I was "supposed" to be "hopeless", and "ret*d" for the rest of my life, I would probably be living in my parents' basement today, decrying the fact that I was ugly, stupid, and never to have a girlfriend.

("I'm autistic! I'll never have a normal life! WAAAAAAA!" )

Keep in mind that I was a pre-teen during the late 1950s to mid-1960s -- a very repressive time for people with handicaps. Back then, any diagnosis of a behavioral, developmental, or mental disorder may as well have been a death sentence.

While the "death sentence" aspect may not be so prevalent now, there is still a great deal of negativity being dumped on people who don't measure up to the standards of what society considers "normal"; and now that more and more violent people are being identified as having some kind of mental and/or emotional disorder, there is an even greater stigma attached to being functionally autistic.

This is why I haven't "Come out" to anyone, except those professionals who diagnosed me.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Honestly, I guess this isn't quite the same as when I was doubting it before. When I was doubting it before, I really was questioning whether my brain was wired in an ASD way.

Looking at my life, both past and present, I'm quite sure ASD is there in social awkwardness, repetitive movements, and fixated interests, as well as other tertiary areas like like rigid thinking, near perfect pitch, attention to detail, and inability to see the big picture.

And the psychologist did see it during the assessment a year ago, and has already told me that, yes, he's sure, when I expressed some doubts a month or so after the diagnosis.

I think the worry is more a worry that I might learn to pass "too well". I have heard horror stories about people being "undiagnosed" and the harm that it did to them. I think my worries are that I might learn to pass well enough that, if reassessed in the future, I might pass well enough to "pass" the test.

Make no mistake. I want to improve my social skills. I want to be able to function well in a social situation. But I also don't want to have the label that has explained so much about my life taken away, rightly or wrongly.