Why Do We Struggle In Social Circles?

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I don’t understand it!

Last night I was out at a Bible School which I go to once a month.

After the school is finished everyone all go off to chat with each other about everything and anything when really they should be discussing what they have just learnt.

I decided to withdraw and sit on my phone checking the Internet and playing s game until someone called me over to sit with a group of people to join there conversation so I did.

I found myself sitting with the group and I found myself listening to what they were talking rather than joining in. I did join in a little bit though when I could relate. But I thought this entire conversation I cannot relate to, I kept trying to look for the queues to join in. I found myself getting more and more tired and wanting my bed. Plus I can’t go home as I am the one with the keys to the place.

I find it so frustrating that social discussions can be difficult and also tiring and also hard to stay in focus. I want to keep to the conversation and the subject, but I end up missing parts as I loose focus and switch off easily.

Why do we struggle in these situation. Is there some blockage in the brain or something.

I can make a long conversation with my friends, because I know them long enough. and I also have alot of similar interests. But when I don‘t find common ground with them, I also tend to stay quiet. You didn‘t know them well right? I also guess you didn‘t really want a conversation with them? Under this circumstances, even neurotypicals cannot maintain a very long conversation.

I think the problem is that our brains are slower in processing and reacting to the given information in a group discussion. Also we have to focus on more than one thing at once. I also tend to get lost in my own thoughts, so I don‘t even hear everything. Maybe you have the same problem? Also there are sensory issues. Maybe some distand noises got you attention for a split second? And here we go, you missed another part of this conversation, that could have been important.

First of all they are a group of people that I am slowly getting to know. But what they were saying I had trouble finding a common ground to join in which I found frustrating.

My thoughts are that it has to do overload.

People on the spectrum cannot filter out everyone to listen
to one person at a time. The information gets too much. Even people I know
very well are hard to be with if there is a group of them. I end up watching two people in the group
who are chatting away in the middle of the noise and I end up wishing that I could relax and focus
like them.

Also I feel slow and heavy and under pressure. A mistake I used to make was
trying to look as if I was going to say something, or pretending that I was involved.
This just wore me out and it was a kind of a lie. These days I try to say "I have no idea," quite a lot,
or "I don't know." This makes space around me - I mean psychological space. Others then talk to me when they've
had enough of trying to win conversations (which is what most groups are about).

I have ADHD so my attention span is short.

Also I am rather on the shy side, and people automatically know that so they unintentionally filter my voice out, so I tend to get misheard or interrupted if I do speak up.

And sometimes I feel embarrassed to hear my own voice, so I stay quiet, even though I am full of relavant things to add to the conversation.

Things made more sense after I realized that my IQ is at least twice my EQ, and that these don't substitute for each other. I was often trying to help people with technical concepts, and not realizing that they wanted to think of themselves as not needing help. However, few NTs can think even distinguish rationality from rationalization. They think about people instead of things and make gross errors in logic, which they get emotional attachments to.
In trying to follow conversations like that post-meeting mess, I have various troubles. If they are talking about something seen on TV or Facebonk, pro sports, gossip, or games, I won't be able to join in, because I find them boring. It can feel like being trapped in a kindergarten with no other adult in sight. I also get exhausted just from trying to understand what is said, and what is not important. As an introvert, I need time alone to recharge.
You understand that discussion of a lesson would be optimum, but the others were very keen to restore the usual balance of content in a meeting: 90% of the time is taken up by people telling each other who they think they are.

Things that you do a lot are going to have the neural connections better established making repeated activity easier. There are also at least two parts of the brain involved in focus. When it is something that doesn't interest you, your frontal lobe has to override and force yourself to focus, this takes a certain amount of chemicals (which if you lack, you are in trouble).

One of the basic aspects of ADHD is that you can have no problems focusing on things that interest you (takes less), but critically lack the ability to keep your focus for things that don't interest you compared to normal people (I guess you could say lack control over it). Same thing with ASD to some extent with the "special interests" as opposed to social activity.

For me, there is also a lot of pressure in that I'm constantly worried about not making a mistake and embarrassing myself, others judging my behavior even if they don't say so (this stuff can be reduced if you are super comfortable with who you are talking to). Since I have to analyze instantly what everyone is saying, formulate a response, and double/triple check that it isn't something stupid and out of place, it is super exhausting for me.

It's possibly a brain-wiring issue; we just don't decode the same data as NTs do, or we decode the data in different ways.

Personally, I get tired of people talking in "buzz-phrases". In Christian churches (for example), there seems to be a secret language that all members speak. Some of the phrases are translated here.

"Amen!" ("Say 'amen' back to me!")

"God is in control." ("I only believe this about overwhelming situations. The rest of the time, I believe things are up to us and I act that way.")

"Hate the sin; love the sinner." ("The sinner IS the sin.")

"I'll pray for you" ("I'll put forth a little effort as possible to help you, while still claiming to be helpful.")

"It's a miracle!" ("I do not comprehend the principles of physics.")

"It's a mystery." ("It would take too long to explain it to you.")

"Jesus loves you." ("Jesus loves you; but I don't.")

"Thank you, Jesus!" ("It's easier to thank Jesus than those jerks who think they deserve it.")

"What can I pray for you about?" ("Any juicy tidbits about your life I can spread through the prayer gossip grapevine?")

"What's God doing in your life?" ("I'm getting ready to judge you.")

"You are forgiven." ("God forgives you; I don't")

I'll pray for you is meaningless most times. I choose not to do much traffic socially with the godshop crowd generally.

They're not such bad people ... no worse than members of any other social club, I suppose.

At least I get invited to more weddings, more graduations, and more debuts ("She's 18! Let's  party!  have a celebratory fellowship..." )

In my experience, people who are inspired by the Bible or any other scripture tend to see people all as Children of God. Those who study the Bible, OTOH, are looking for loopholes to justify their own positions, and always missing the metaphors. Holy books are trying to describe things that are nothing like what we see on Earth, so if you don't get an amazing vista, you have not read them as intended.

I see your point.

Unfortunately, it takes a level of maturity and a certain flexibility of mind to discern the metaphors from the reality, and to determine how they all relate to ourselves in the modern context. Equally unfortunate is the human tendency toward solipsism at an early age -- youthful, energetic, and charismatic people who get it wrong while preaching it to the masses as right.

This applies in a secular context, as well. There are numerous times when I was absolutely certain in my youth that I had the best solutions to everything, only to be rebuked by more mature "experts". Now, I at least do some research on a problem before offering even a possible solution.

Then I get rebuked by people in authority who have not done any research.

Then I get to say, "I told you so" when their 'solutions' make the situation even worse.

THAT is why I struggle in social circles in the modern context -- When I'm right, I don't let those-who-were-wrong forget it.

Usually I either dominate the convo or I don't typically say much unless spoken to directly and even then I don't say much unless I dominate the convo

I'm the same.

I can fit into social triangles and social squares, but that's where I draw the line. Social octagons make me edgy. Social circles completely throw me for a loop. There's no point. They get me all bent out of shape.

Not saying godshop people are bad....just not my personal preference. And yes it is a social club.