How would you explain this?

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Hi,

I was here a long while ago and have returned to ask you about a thing that happens to me and ask you what you think it is. I am male and was dxd Asperger's Syndrome and A.D.D. aged 37 and I am 56 years of age now.

Many times a day I get very agitated about people I know well. I feel somehow threatened by them and my mind fills with ideas of being controlled or mocked by them. Yet these people are family members and generally leave me in peace and understand my condition.

My thoughts become very intense like my mind is trapped and my feelings of anger and fear cause my muscles to cramp up so that I can't walk so well. I have sweats while these episodes happen, which last about fifteen minutes. Today for instance I had an unusual one where I had a rage inside my head about a stranger who shouted at me six years ago. My heart rate increases and although I am reasoning with myself my emotions are like a cage inside me.

I have heard of 'meltdowns' but I never shout or express this anger to others. It is like being trapped inside myself while my muscles cramp and I sweat. They could be panic attacks, but are people supposed to know what they are panicking about? It could be paranoia - but then why do I get angry if it is paranoia?

My sister and brother-in-law are often a target, yet as I say, they are very good and don't confuse or trouble me.
Does anyone else have this? Is there a food that helps. I drink relaxant teas sometimes. I hate it when these episodes start because I feel so angry and helpless.

When I was young I did a lot of stimming but a few years ago the stimming faded out and these episodes have begun instead. It is a puzzle for me.

Thank you to all who reply. I cannot reply to all because I am a slow typist - but that does not mean I do not appreciate all of your advice.

Lots of people believe something like chamomile tea relaxes people.

I'm thinking you're in a rural area. Perhaps walking through the moors and forests and such could help you when you need to calm down?

Yes,

The Yorkshire moors are a bus ride away and I have one real friend and we share
an interest in cameras.

I will increase chamomile. It has helped me to describe this to Wrong Planet, partly because
it has been hard to describe these things in talks with others. More fresh air and more tea sound like a good
course to take.

Thank you for your advice.

I also had the thought that walking might relieve some of the tension.

It seems as though you have replaced visible stims with an internal stim of angry voices and emotions. Could you try to develop an outward, but socially acceptable, stim, such as foot jiggling or twiddling your thumbs, or perhaps a fidget spinner?

Other than that, the usual go-to's: medication or therapy. You might try seeing a therapist not weekly, but less often, just to talk things out. Just as walking can relieve physical tensions, talking can get emotions out before they have a chance to tie your mind up in knots.

Good luck.

Delayed reactions. Like severely delayed reactions. Did you feel the anger then when the incident of the shouting occurred or was it only when you remember getting upset some six years later? When you say that you tense up, I imagine that you tense up as if you're about to yell or pounce but that you instead have an angry inner monologue. You don't like that it happens and you've described them as episodes thus far. To me, it sounds like you might be passive aggressive but things don't really hit until you hit a breaking point. Like with your family, it may be tons of little things that you subconsciously catalog away until maybe things were a little more stressful than usual and you implode.

I'd say to look at what stresses you out and try to have somewhat more open communication with your family about it. Nothing is too small or ridiculous. You said that they already understand your condition. As for strangers, I think the drinking the tea and getting fresh air is a good way to relax. Finding a nice way to really vent your frustration would probably help as well. Like a sandbag for punching or strenuous exercise.

Something gets your amygdala (the "lizard brain") involved in your thinking, and then it just goes into positive feedback and starts looping. It is trying desperately to keep you safe, but it lacks social context and is very error-prone. Walks are nice, but once that adrenalin gets into my system, I need vigorous exercise to burn it out. Unfortunately, we are not good at "letting things go." Things are poorly understood, so we replay them vividly.

Reply to: Bea Arthur, Desmilliondetoiles, Dear-One.

Bea Arthur: “It seems as though you have replaced visible stims with an internal stim of angry voices and emotions.”

[] This is a great help. It makes sense that I have been repressing stims. When I finished my first degree I moved into this house. This neighbourhood is the ‘Cold English’ variety and I received a lot of suspicion and disapproval. My problems began around that time. It has been six years and they are not as hostile and yet I think my guard is still up. Internalising stims would make sense because stimming was a part of my life before then. I will try thumb-twiddling and tapping movements and also find a fidget spinner.

Desmilliondetoiles: “I imagine that you tense up as if you're about to yell or pounce but that you instead have an angry inner monologue.” And: “To me, it sounds like you might be passive aggressive but things don't really hit until you hit a breaking point. Like with your family, it may be tons of little things that you subconsciously catalog away until maybe things were a little more stressful than usual and you implode.”

[] I tend to have “Head Arguments” when I return in my memory to moments of stress. Yet at the time I don’t react and I sort of ‘duck and cover’ (although nuclear attack might be a poor metaphor). It is later in revisiting the event that the head arguments can happen. They happen within the ‘repressed stimming’ that Bea mentioned. I think repressing my normal autistic nature is the cause of all this. Violence never happens these days – I gave my brother a straight right when I was seven years of age and I felt a sudden remorse when he burst into tears. He had bullied me up until then and I let him have it. I never struck out after that. For 36 years I have consulted The I Ching, which is a big help regarding my tension in a rather general way.

Dear-One: “Something gets your amygdala (the "lizard brain") involved in your thinking, and then it just goes into positive feedback and starts looping. It is trying desperately to keep you safe, but it lacks social context and is very error-prone.”

I do feel that “straight lines” are getting “mixed up with the curves” somehow, and that an inappropriate urgency is kicking in, in safe and comfortable environments. It is the past that prompts these alerts. When I was at college the tutors spent a long time making sure that my working environments stayed familiar (I trained in Art). As you say, a part of my brain is trying to help in a hit and miss fashion.

Thank for your advice. I might order the smallest Djembe (?) African drum and use it alongside thumb-twiddling and foot-tapping. My neighbourhood, which I call ‘The Waxworks Museum’, is a lot better than it was. I am wearing a positive autism badge, which helps. And what you said, Dear-One, that my brain is trying to help me but clumsily, is very reassuring.

Thank you to all. I am a slow typist and cannot keep up on forums most of the time, so please excuse me if I seem to miss people out.