Anyone else felt like a trained animal while growing up?

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During my childhood and even adolescence, I always wondered about something that just didn't feel right. Namely, that everything I was doing in life had no meaning. That I was just robotically performing what adults demanded from me, in order to get rewards/approval, or more frequently, simply avoid punishments. From showing good manners, to washing my hands before dinner, to not crossing the street without stoplights, to eating what I'm served, to not watching TV beyond my allotted time, to getting A's in school, to sitting up straight at the table.

Now, I always liked animals, and my family obliged that, so they bought me animal books and let me watch Animal Planet. One thing I saw is how animals are trained in circuses, Sea World, and some zoos. I saw lots of similarities between those animals and myself. That is: perform an action a trainer wants = get a treat. Lather, rinse, repeat. Back then, I considered that to be normal, considering how my family always said they "want to make a good person out of me". But as I've been looking back on my life as a child, it's really sad.

To add insult to the injury, I saw actual animals, like squirrels in parks and stray cats in alleys, live much freer lives than I could ever hope for as a child. Nobody trained them; they were allowed to live free. Speaking of which, google "Moscow subway dogs". It's about stray dogs that learned to navigate the Moscow subway, to find food to eat, open spaces to run around, shelters to sleep in, and even people willing to play with them, all at different stations.

YES!

I'd like to add something else to this. Any time I got praise/approval/rewards, it felt "empty". Like, I had to "sell out"; meaning put on an act or provide something, in order to get it. Kind of like a stripper; she makes $500 a night, but at what cost to herself! Same with me, minus the stripping.

Approval/praise/rewards was never given to me for who I was. It was given to me for what I gave of myself. Like, obey my parents without question, and get perfect grades in school, and show good manners, and read people's minds to avoid accidentally angering them. So by the time I "earned" the approval/praise/rewards, I felt so drained, that it almost didn't seem worth it. I tried talking to a therapist about it, but she pretended not to know what I'm talking about at best, and mocked me at worst.

So, like any rational-minded aspie, I started looking for approval elsewhere; specifically, from a pet. As expected, my parents refused to get one. Which made their refusal doubly unfair: not only were they setting inordinately high barriers for earning their approval, they were preventing me from obtaining approval elsewhere. After all, dogs and cats love you for who you are, not for what you give them.

I also felt like a trained animal growing up. I hid my preference for Germany over Britain from my family for over 35 years. It was very tough between the ages of 6 and 19. I was also hiding my Gender Dysphoria as well. It felt like hell. I was also keeping my special interests to myself starting when I was 10 and a half as well. It was hell. I juggled those three things until I had my last breakdown in the January of 2016. I still keep my special interests to myself when I'm around any of my family members.

I've joked about being like the family dog as far as being taken out for walks goes.

Once I posted in another forum; I've been held captive by this man and woman my whole life. They tell me what to do and I have to do it. They do feed me and buy me stuff. But still.

But really I don't have any objections to how I was raised. I'd say my parents have been strict, but not oppressive. I think really what they did was teach me self discipline.

Nope.

I didnt have this at all because I had a really relaxed childhood and then later any kind of rules I just rebelled against anyway. It wasnt until I was about 15 that I realised if you 'play ball' then you get ahead in school etc. I always felt loved as a child for who I was by my mother and that Im really grateful for. I do understand however because I have seen it in my partner and honestly I wouldnt swap my feral childhood for his anyday because he is stuck in this rigid performance to please mode that he hates, but I honestly dont think he can get out of it.

Also much of what they do is to 'keep up appearances' and its actually means nothing because no one really cares. What is a shame though, is being around that mentality makes you feel very inferior and never good enough. Im trying to distance myself as I feel its not healthy for me because they literally say nothing, but you feel like your not good enough for them.

This is an interesting read Aspie1. I didn't have a particularly strict upbringing, but I was taught to say please and thank you and to have good table manners. I didn't resent it.

I resented school teachers telling me what to do. A random example that comes to mind was when I was learning some math. I has to use 1 pence pieces, but there weren't enough, so I pretended that the 2 pence pieces were 1 pence and carried on with the exercise. I was doing fine, but the teacher noticed I was doing it "wrong" and scolded me. She assumed I hadn't understood. And explained what the different pieces of money were. Never once did she ask why I was doing what I was doing. That was 30 years ago and I still resent it. I knew what I was doing.

I also hated the one way system in high school. It made no sense. If there was no one going up the steps then surely I could go down them for a shortcut rather than go the long way round the one way system? Nope. Teachers would scold us for taking the shortcut even though we weren't in anyone's way.

I think I resented the learning by rote, but I was good at remembering facts so passed my exams. I much preferred college because I was focused on a particular goal and tgat gave me a sense of purpose.

Did you ever get a pet Aspie1?

My upbringing is more or less the opposite, it's comparatively lax. But I'm not neglected either.

In my household, people don't boss me around. Well, we don't boss around ourselves. More like we assume responsibilities on our own, manage our own.
I'd likely volunteer and do it, than just because someone said so.

And I've yet to learn how to have all the means of taking responsibilities -- in otherwords, executive functioning and management.
I still screw up at timings. I still get confused who do this and when to do that. And still both getting accused of stealing jobs by assuming them or not taking any jobs for not knowing when to assume it -- I think I'd still do, no matter how strict my upbringing was.

If someone wants to teach me 'manners', I have to be more mature and 'coherent' than my 18+ year old self, and I'd prefer a stranger who knew naught about me, and is not driven for 'being right'. With them, I could hold back and think more rationally for not knowing that I'm in the spectrum.
Because if it's someone I knew and knew me, or at the wrong times, it'll just piss me off.
Teach me at age 5, even with the most pleasant manner, I'd resent it and ignore it. Teach me at age 10, I'd resent it and ignore it. Teach me at 15, I'd hate it even more and likely avoid it. Teach me at 20, there may be a chance, that is if I'd still understand it.
And I'm only 23, I'm just getting started.


At school, I could've been in honor if it weren't for motivations and sleep schedules.
The latter because I prefer to watch tv and play all night. The former would meant more expectations, and things I'm not capable of doing yet.
Or be very bad because of it.
Except I found my learning style, and figured out later that I've been translating words into another. That's why I didn't repeated grades.

Oh, and yes, I was bullied. Instead of hiding and avoiding them, I hit them back with violence and scaring them.
But then, it's just luck. Because most of my bullies are boys, and I'm a girl who didn't had anything to do with anyone. So adults would likely assume (rightfully) its the boys' fault for provoking me, instead of scolding me that I shouldn't be provoked and ignore them.
Seriously, until at age 16 or so, I've yet to realize that. It was a bad idea to suggest me the same thing at age younger than 15.



Anyway... I don't feel like a trained animal largely driven by punishments and avoiding it.
More like I feel like an AI with emotions as one of several conditional parameters, who had yet to integrate and be completed. It seems that my emotion of fear is mainly overruled by most parameters, and relatively less occurring as well.

And my parents are clueless, but they love me. I'm more grateful that they don't push me around, out of love or not.
Still, they show, do, and offer me some things -- it's up to me to take their example or whatnot.

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