I DON'T WANT TO GO ! !!

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I have to go to a very big surprise birthday party today for a family member and I don't want to go. If it was only family members and people I know it wouldn't be so bad, but there will be tons of people there that I don't know and don't care to know. Last week it was the same thing. A surprise birthday party for a friend of my husband. I went just to please my husband and it was as gruesome as I expected it to be. I couldn't relate to anyone there and had to sit for hours wasting time that could have been spent happily pursuing my interests and being relaxed and productive at home. My life is becoming one big Groundhog's Day. I'm sick and tired of doing things I don't want to do just to keep people from being mad at me and putting me on a guilt trip. It's like I'm in some kind of a portable jail with a life sentence. I want to bang on the walls and scream "I'm mad as hell and can't take it anymore!"

Then don't go and write a card for someone else to send in on your behalf.

I know this is probably not the aswer that you want to hear, but just don‘t go.

In addition, you should probably say the exact same thing to them that you actually wrote here. I know people who use guilt trips very good. The only thing that actually helps against them is to set clear boundaries and say NO. I‘m always saying something in the lines of „I‘m not really sure, I‘d rather don‘t want to go“. This doesn‘t help at all. For them it‘s easy to manipulate me into going somewhere I don‘t want. Even though I‘m getting better at saying no nowadays, it‘s still a long way. So I can understand you perfectly well, if you can‘t say no to them. It‘s a challenge, but it‘s the only way.

The good thing is, that most people are understanding if you don‘t want something. All the other people arent worth your attention.

I hope that this helps you. You can always pm me if you have questions.

(English isn‘t my native language. I‘m sorry if I wrote something that doesn‘t make any sense)

Just because someone offers you guilt doesn’t mean you have to take it. If you’re doing things to keep others from being mad at you, it’ll never stop. Set a boundary. Say no. It might be scary at first, but it is so worth it.

I would only go to a party if it was immediate family - sibling or parent, or grandparent, maybe Uncle/Aunt if it was a big-"x"0 - even then it would be reluctantly. Cousins and other distant relatives - forget it.

Rule of thumb - if I only see them once or year or less - I don't go.

Just say NO if you don't want to go - don't bother about them making you feel guilty.

Thank you, Arganger, for your advice on my dilemma. The problem is, the party today is for my daughter's husband and she would be upset and very sad if I didn't go. Also, the party was planned by her sons, my grandsons. But, your advice is what I should have done last weekend. My husband would have been disappointed, maybe even angry, but no one at the party would have cared if i was there or not.

This really is a tough one, and it's a situation I often find myself in. On one hand, you really do want to maintain a good relationship with the person, especially if it's a relative. On the other, I completely understand that you wouldn't enjoy it, because I'd feel exactly the same way.

When in a similar situation, I really could go either way. If I have an opportunity to not go without tell anyone, that's often what I'll do. But if not going involves telling the person to their face, there's a much higher chance that I will end up going. But I don't exactly feel that my way of handling this kind of situation is exactly a good way of doing it...

Because it's such close family and your daughter would be hurt if you refused I would go, but I wholeheartedly agree that it does not sound like fun. Crowds bother me too, especially if there are a lot of people I don't know.

When you get home, you can mention how much it took out of you and how upsetting these events are so that your husband understands in the future why you don't wish to attend parties and don't intend to go to any more that aren't immediate close family where feelings would be hurt by your absence... so please don't even ask.

I usually feel like I don’t want to go most days. Some days I end up wasting time too just sitting and feeling outta place because I usually can’t connect with my husbands friends families as I don’t speak the language.

But now I just tell myself if I have to really go I can go a wee bit early and excuse myself from the party after a while because I say I have to run some important errand or I have something else that’s important to tend to. If I end up feeling relaxed and seem to be connecting to people I stay longer.

Good advice, harry12345. Prioritize my relationships when deciding the importance of my going or not going to an event or affair. That's sensible. Almost equatable with choosing the right kind of shoes. I wouldn't go for a hike in high heels or sandals. Well, I haven't worn high heels in many years, but it's a good equation just the same. Thank you.

To everyone who responds or has already responded to my Seinfeldian plight: Oh dear. Before I respond to Splendid Snail I just want to say that I'm getting confused about who I have replied to and who I have not. I haven't been on WP for a good many years and my short term memory is deteriorating a bit. So, please be patient until I'm back in the saddle again. I also do not know how to insert a proper post to say this so I am hitchhiking a ride with Splendid Snail.

It seems there is no getting out of this event gracefully. I must go. Sometimes I think we just have to bit the bullet.
This is one of those times. Thank you Splendid Snail. I appreciate your appreciation of the situation.

ivi
vidi
vici

I went
I saw
I conquered

I endured the party. It was incredibly hot in the room where the party was held, on the 2nd floor of the town hall.
There was no air conditioning. The worst part was sitting on one of those hard aluminum folding chairs for four hours. But my husband was kind and glad that I went. He sat next to me for most of the time, which is very unusual for him because he is very outgoing and likes to make the rounds and engage with everyone. I only got up from my chair to hug and kiss my children and grandchildren and to get a plate of food from the food table. The music was very loud with a lot of disco. They had a karaoke set up and some people got up and sang. My son in law, the one whose birthday it was, sang "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog" imitating Elvis Presley with all the hip shaking and thrusting. He included a move that I never saw Elvis use: a complete knee bend of both knees with a drop almost to the floor and then a quick full upright position again. He made this move quite a few times. Very odd and very amusing.

Thanks for all of your comments and advice. It has helped me to arrive at a decision to be true to myself at all costs, to make boundaries and keep them, to realize that other people's anger is their problem and not mine. I will from now on, don my armour and walk away from ill-tempered ornery people.

Congratulations. It does sound like it was really hard for you. I wouldn't have enjoyed it either, but I'm under the impression that you probably found it even harder than I would have.

I think your relatives did appreciate your presence, and it also sounds like your husband understands your limitations, so you hopefully won't have to do this type of thing too much more.

Congratulations on your accomplishment and survival.

I wonder if you might consider the lifestyle I have established for myself:

*** I don't go to anything. * * *

This began about 20 years ago, when I realized Mom was sending me as her emissary to obnoxious family gatherings. There was astonishment, guilt, and tremendous pressure, but I stayed home.

The next was weddings. The relief was worth the war.

Over the years, I chopped off another and another sort of thing I don't go to. Now, they don't invite me! Victory!

For future: negotiate with your husband that the two of you will make an appearance, and that you will stay no longer than 2 hours. 2 hours at a bash you don't want to be at is plenty.

If it was me, I'd take some knitting or crocheting or something of that sort to while away the time. Of course, then you might have missed the Elvis Presley impersonation.