What an Exhausting Act....

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Morning to who it applies, I guess.

Allow me to share what I feel is the worst part about having the mirror/imitate style of coping mechanisms for social confusion as an aspie. I can start by defining exactly what caused me to develop such a "solution". The fact that I was in small town USA with libraries too tiny to feature ANYTHING on marine vessels and the technology surrounding them and the internet was too new or not at my house so that was never a means to indulge either.

Tack on a couple dozen classmates that want nothing to do with you and every adult figure around giving the usual, "Stop obsessing, go play with the others, change the subject, give it a rest, enough, no more building models or reading, go outside." That usually led to the teasing and bullying that I found dis pleasant so I was forced to observe, and mirror. TV and movies that remotely presented similar social situations gave me ideas for personas that I thought would help me...they didn't. I still couldn't be fascinated by their interests and they had always had enough of mine so it usually ended in the same results. Not to mention the fact that my personas and lines were not as applicable to most of the situations where I thought they would be. That didn't change my methods much though.

Throughout childhood and my adult life, I constantly screwed my finances and jobs because I didn't feel that I "got it" or didn't see the point to it. If I didn't find a persona that worked at work, then I stopped going altogether to try a different job. Because of the finance messes I made, I was forced to relocate to family. Instability was my norm and gave me a new chance to try a new persona with a different back story than the same old same old that most Wisconsinites had. One itty bitty problem with years of doing this....it's exhausting and more debilitating to even the remote chance of obtaining any kind of identity. So here I am, in therapy, when the diagnosis that sums up my life's experience is brought to light.

Now I'm faced with a new challenge...work and family have only seen personas and ill portrayed reflections of social patterns that I've picked up. I'm at a job where I'm constantly fascinated and my mind is occupied by the things going on around me. (Specifically the movements of freight, forklift components, reach truck components, and the assembly lines.) I'd hate to run from it due to whatever uncomfortable reactions may come from dropping the curtain and ending my decades long facade. Anyone else use this type of camoflauge and have any positive reactions to a reveal? Or does the show just go on or what

I think you should continue to delve into therapy in hopes you can come to terms peacefully with how to express your true self without feeling the need to hide or camouflage so much. Who cares what people think? If you’re not being cruel or abusive to other people, there’s no need to judge you. If people want to reproach you for your struggles and weaknesses, you can explain that your neurological wiring has you at a disadvantage in some area and they have to deal with it. You don’t need to apologise for who you are or pretend to be someone else. I think you should do your best to find happy places in your life to relax in, whether it’s a location or a time of day... just do what you need to do to get by but don’t get caught up in being one of the gang or getting approval from people. The best people will like you for yourself and see the value you offer.

See that's pretty much the answer I was expecting. I'm just used to a negative reception to me being me in the form of physical harm so I just found a way to hide being that way. I guess as an adult, it's less of a rational concern. I would hope adults nowadays would be more receptive to the way I am than the kids in the past were. I'll keep people posted I guess to my experience in case someone else deals with a similar junction.

Thank you for your reply.