Lost another friend yesterday

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So here is the problem that I have ALL THE TIME. This is one of the reasons that I hate people. I actually have a unique blend of disabilities that is extremely rare and incredibly severe. So, I end up having a lot of issues because of this. I know exactly what my issues are, and I know exactly how they work and how they affect me. I also have very complex and sophisticated coping mechanisms that enable me to survive and function despite my issues. I don't talk about my disabilities often because I know that people cannot understand them and trying to explain them becomes too frustrating. I also know that my issues are not solvable. That is not an opinion, it's a fact and it is recognized by my team of doctors and therapists.

The problem is that every now and then, I do talk about my issues because it just naturally comes up in conversation. It's not realistic for it to never ever come up especially when people ask me about something about it directly. But as soon as I say anything, the people I am talking to start making all kinds of suggestions about trying to fix me. I try to tell them that these issues are not solvable. But they insist that the reason my disability is not solved or cured is because I am not taking their advice. Then they get angry with me, blame me for being disabled, tell me that I am overwhelming them because my disabilities are so severe, and then they end the friendship. I never asked for their help or their advice. They insist on forcing it on me and then get angry when I don't follow it because it's not applicable.

I never had such experiences, maybe because verbally I'm very silent and secretive anyway. My friendships almost always died from me neglecting people. Or me getting annoyed by lies.

Maybe you could actively search for friends, instead of waiting for people to become your friends? Select people who have issues themselves, if you can spot them. Maybe some who have similar issues as you have.

One of my friends had bipolar disorder and PTSD. Don't know why it worked, but we've had contact for many years. I think I was one of the few people who didn't get pissed off by his... sometimes toxic behaviours. I simply pretended it didn't happen, and kept talking to him normally. Though I neglected him, so now he's gone.

(((skibum)))

Sorry to hear that's happened
In my case I rarely explain my problems to other people, so I don't get much advice. I've often thought I should share my troubles more instead of trying to be so independent, but advice is difficult for me. A lot of it is just too poorly-informed to be of much use, and even when it isn't, I don't find it easy to process.

My condolences Skibum. That is one reason why I mask as much as I do and keep my self diagnoses to myself. NTs rarely understand others’ difficulties in life. They tend to think everything can be fixed, but it cannot. Hugs go out to you.

One aside: it sounds like they care about you and hope they can help you.

I’ve had this happen a lot too. Now that my chronic conditions are relatively stable it doesn’t come up as much. But when I was really struggling with my health I got all kinds of advice pressed on me.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I am more careful now about who i share my personal information with. I now choose my friends. With family also, if they "dont get it". This is quite liberating, it puts me in control.
Only recently i spoke to a friend about my suspected ASD, he works in the MH sector. He gave me this long, quite angry response about people wanting to "claim" that they are on the spectrum. It really didn't put him in a very good light. He made judgement without having all the facts. I won't talk to him about it again. X

I know that feeling. I live with constant, severe discomfort and if I share it, it makes people uncomfortable. Even with my own husband. Sometimes when I am inwardly focused and he's standing there, I realize I have to let him know a little bit of it (I am experiencing X, Y, Z) so he can at least have some understanding as to the discomfort I am managing myself... and hence not doing whatever he expects. But I can't regularly share A, B, C, D, E, F, H, K, L, M, X^7, 2i, etc. or... well... what you said.

I have a close friend who is facing paralysis and I probably do the same thing to her. I'm as much a hypocrite as the next person. I'd like to think she wouldn't lose me as a friend, but we're both empaths and have to watch our boundaries (or lack thereof).

Sorry for the loss. It would be nice if this is a friendship that could be mended. Break the trend. I like unicorns.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I am really grateful. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I was also assaulted by a several people for asking for a disability accommodation and then bullied and threatened by police when I asked them for help.

I asked one of my therapists why I seem to attract people who bully, manipulate, and hurt me all the time or people who try to psychologically control me. He explained to me that it's not anything I am doing at all. It's because I have no social defenses. I can't see it coming and when it happens I can't defend myself. So social bullies feel and see that and it's like a have a huge target on my back and that is what attracts them. It's not anything I am doing, it's just what I am. It's like people bullying me because of the color of my skin.

I asked my therapist (I have three therapists and I talk to them all about this) if there is anything I can do about it. I asked if there is any way that I can learn skills to protect myself. The answer from all of them is no. The analogy that I was given is that it would be like asking a completely blind person who had been blind from birth and whose blindness could not be "cured," if there are skills he can learn to be able to literally see if someone sticks out their foot to purposely trip him when he is walking. Or another analogy would be like asking if there are skills that a person with Down Syndrome can learn so that he can stop having Down Syndrome.

So there is no possible way for me to avoid these people or to be protected from how they treat me because my brain processing speed is too slow for me to realize what is happening in the moment. So I am a prime target for social predators and social bullies. I would literally need someone with me to actually protect me from these people. But that also seems to be an impossible ask.

So my only solution is to basically avoid as much interaction with people as possible and that actually hurts because I actually do need social interaction. But it becomes too risky so I can't really do it anymore.

It's also interesting. I shared the strategy that the person who got mad at me was trying to convince me to do with two of my therapists. Both of them told me that it's a good thing that I knew better because this strategy is probably the worst thing someone like me could do. My one therapist told me yesterday that that particular strategy, in my particular case, could cause so much damage that I could actually end up dead if a therapist were to get me to implement this strategy.

My friend was trying to convince that I needed to do therapy and work to integrate my personas because that is helping her to heal from past trauma. Actually, it's her dealing with her past trauma that is integrating her personas. But my personas are different than hers so they don't work the same way. And they were not created for the same reasons hers were. My therapist told me yesterday, and another one of my therapists told me a couple days ago, that for someone like me, integration of personas would literally be so damaging that it could be fatal and that people shouldn't give advice like that if they are not trained and if they don't know what they are talking about.

But my friend got angry at me because I refused to take her advice. She considers herself gifted at counseling people even though she has no training at all and she, like so many people that I meet, gets offended if you don't take her advice.

But all of this bullying and manipulation and controlling behavior that I deal with every single day because I have a huge, socially vulnerable bullseye painted on my back, is wearing me down and also damaging me neurologically.

I am sure that many of you deal with similar things.

Thank you so much for your responses. I am so grateful to have friends like you.