#1 reason why I don't tell people

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that I'm on the autism spectrum is: I don't Want special treatment. I am Very high functioning, and I never want to use AS as an excuse to make mistakes, or for it to be perceived that I'm using it as an excuse. I don't want to make mistakes the irritate, frustrate, or otherwise upset people and then have them give me any sort of special treatment "because he's autistic." I prefer to simply learn from my mistakes & rely on all people around me like mirrors for feedback on my behaviour so that I can adjust it as necessary. Sometimes symptoms creep up and I make more mistakes than what's normal for me, but that's life & I have to accept the consequences of my actions and just keep moving forward.

I think life would be very different if I had the attitude that I wanted everyone I know to know so that they'd cut me some slack when I f**k up. I wouldn't learn, change, or grow in the directions I want to. Instead, I think I'd be hindering my personal development further. Also, there's a Zero % chance that everyone I know in life and work is going to learn the hundreds of potential autistic traits in order to know what they are and why I behaved the way I did and then be extra patient with me because of it. It's entirely unrealistic to expect this of even our closest friends and family, IMO, and thus a far better option for us to learn to adapt to the rest of the world as best we can.

Thoughts?

I don’t often tell people I’m on the Spectrum.

People think I’m weird, off, etc...but in more of a vague sense than me being specifically “autistic.”

I tell people when it's necessary.

The fact is, I'm disabled, and occasionally may need "slack."

You don't take away a cripple person's wheelchair in order to make them pull themselves around by the arms so they can "adapt" to the walking world. There are certain things about AS that I can't, and shouldn't be expected to, change.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. There's nothing worse than pity.

I can understand that. Personally I want people to know although I am high functioning as well. For me I want people to know because before I got my diagnose which I got this year people would always misunderstand me and question some of my behaviors (such as not having the energy to hang out or even talk in periods) and I had no way of explaining why leading them to believe i'm just rude or lazy, that also applied to my anxiety in any kind of social situation which causes me to not speak to anyone something that I suffer from myself and can't change because i've tried all my life. Most of my friends are aspies though so I think they would be understanding even if they didn't know I was an aspie too but for me I see my diagnose as part of who I am and I don't hide myself. I do not want special treatment either and don't get any as everyone treats me the same as before I was diagnosed but they can now have better understanding for things such as my sensory issues or need for space.

I easily pass as neurotypical though but it also takes a lot of my energy. If I need to be alone and get away for a while I don't need to explain myself if people know how things affect me. I also don't treat my diagnosed friends any differently because they have aspergers I see them as regular people, it rarely to never happens that they show any signs of autism and when they do it's usually needing to go to a quiet place because of sensory overload for example and in such cases we go to a quieter place and don't think more of it just continue talking and hanging out as before.

The NTs i've told haven't acted any different afterwards either but what NTs think I don't care anyway and only tell them if the subject of autism comes up which it somehow does sometimes as it's something NTs like to joke about. I've never gotten along well with NTs before or after getting my diagnose though and that is because i'm too different from everyone my age and can't relate to NTs my age and they can't relate to me either and honestly I don't care about that because I have enough people in my life who are similar to me and the rest I don't care much about in general I just cope with their existance really but I do like to see their faces sometimes if I get the chance to say i'm on the spectrum because I pass so easily as neurotypical. It's kind of funny.

Last edited by superaliengirl on 30 Sep 2018, 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with everything the OP said.

I don't have a formal diagnosis and don't want one. I don't want excuses, either. I don't want to be treated as an outcast or overprotected by well-meaning people. My social development was hindered by both of these much of my life. I don't want my future growth potential hindered by somebody who says I can't (or shouldn't) do something based on my performance on a test.

I suppose. But AS is an "invisible disability," and as such there IS a double standard compared to a visible one like being crippled. People don't interpret these disabilities equivalently.

Rather than disclose an ASD diagnosis, I'd personally opt for being transparent about very specific symptoms, like: "I can't handle the noise here. I have very sensitive hearing," or "This bright light bothers my eyes," or "I'm feeling anxious today, so it's not a good day for me to be out around people." I think these simple breakdowns are far easier for people to absorb and accept vs. trying to explain autism. I also think people are on a "need to know," basis and they need to know as little as possible.

Yes, this, too. Excellent point.

All of this, too.

I like to believe that if I were to have been diagnosed as a child I might have lived a much more self-sheltered life. I might have believed that I couldn't do certain things, and then never even tried them! Instead, I was blissfully unaware of my diagnosis, and IMO lived a much fuller childhood & life because of it.

How does one even go about telling people?

I don't tell people that I'm on the spectrum because I feel embarrassed about it. I don't want to be stigmatized or be defined by a label. I know most adults might not think any different of me if I did say, but it's just how I feel about it. It's a bit like a relative of mine who really hates her name, even though not an uncommon name or anything, but she just hates it and ever since she was a teenager she has got everybody to call her by her shortened name (which she prefers), and she hates it when somebody says her full name. Some work friends of hers don't even know what her christened name is, they just think her shortened name is her cristened name. I said to her once that probably nobody else hates her real name like she does, so they won't think differently about her at all if she did use her real name, but she said that it's not so much about what others think, it's how she feels that is holding her back from using her full name. So that's how I feel about disclosing my ASD to other people. I try to keep it as secret as I can, and I'm lucky enough to be able to mask my ASD anyway. In fact my ADHD and anxiety shows more, although I can mask the 'H' so I just come across as 'ADD'. And when I'm anxious about something I don't express it in a typical 'autistic' way. I am verbal when anxious and can express how I feel either by facial expressions or telling someone, and, at worst, I go into panic mode, but panic mode just involves crying but still being verbal. So people do just see me as an unfocused, forgetful, nervous and eccentric person.

But for some reason I don't feel so insecure about my anxiety disorder or ADHD. I don't know why. My mind works in a strange way sometimes. confused.com.

Sometimes I worry that the boss from my old job brought up my ASD to the boss in my new job in a reference, if she did give a reference. She knew about my ASD because I got the job with the help of a support worker, so obviously the support worker told her about my condition. But I found the job I'm in now on my own (I don't have a support worker any more), and I didn't tell the boss in this one anything about my ASD. But he is rather understanding of my anxiety, and yes that is a good thing, but I just hope that he picked up on my anxiety through my body language or the fact that I have talked to him about one or two little things what make me anxious, and not because of being told by the boss in my previous job that I have ASD. I don't know if my boss got a reference from my old job or not, and if he did I don't know what my old boss said in the reference. I don't know if disabilities are mentioned through job references or not. I hope not.

Unless your current and former bosses are friends, its unlikely they shared any personal information about you. People tend to share as little as possible to avoid legal issues.

Your current boss may just be perceptive or sensitive and kind.

With respect to the OP, I wish I could tell more people but they are so uninformed about what it may mean to be on the spectrum that I feel it's better to just struggle with the fallout for now.

I cannot conceal my differences. I have tried all my life and I'm a bit tired of it. I'm going to try to just be myself for the rest of my years and hope that people consider me a standard issue "crazy old lady".

There is absolutely nothing wrong with compassion. This world could use more compassion.

This pretty much sums up my feeling. Because of workplace drama thats gone on recently at my job (I've detailed that exhaustively in another thread) I had to sit down with a HR representative. At one point he asked "Are you on any type of medication at the moment?" I said no. Then "Are you currently being treated for anything?" I said no.
Then at last he said something like "I ask because you're having trouble holding eye contact and you're very fidgety" *sigh*

In that moment I knew I had to tell him that I might be on the spectrum but I never followed through on finding out after speaking to a counsellor years ago. He said to me "Mate, off the record go and see a doctor". This is kind of shattering. When you delude yourself to the point of thinking that you're high functioning and blending in amongst NTs and then someone just bursts your bubble by letting you know that you stand out like a sore thumb.

Now I'm worried also that, in light of that meeting, it will be seen as though I'm using an ASD as an excuse for my part of the work drama. Even though I'm not the one who brought it up. I have to say though, when someone starts asking about medication and eye contact/being fidgety I will 100% admit to possible autism rather than let people think I'm on drugs or something. No offence to anyone who uses recreational drugs but I'm proud of my risk aversive record. Besides alcohol and caffeine all I've had is one MDMA pill in July 2010 after a work party and I tried weed for a couple of months a few years back but it did nothing much, just felt like having a couple of beers, but then I stopped after having the worst panic attack in my life.

Having said all that, I'm back on WP again since I'm obviously not coping with the NT world as much as I thought. I still don't know if I'll go see someone about a proper diagnosis though.

^his “go and see a doctor,” comment sounds like he thinks there’s a prescription drug you could take for ASD. There isn’t. Only thing a doctor could do (presently) is officially diagnose you - but that won’t help you treat your symptoms.