Depression

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I should add that this may 'trigger' you so if you're very sensitive then please don't read.

I've suffered with Autism all my life, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 14. For the last couple of years I've struggled with a seemingly never ending battle with Depression. It was fairly mild at first but this last year it seems to be getting a lot worse. Every day is a constant challenge. I keep putting on a smile and pretending that I'm ok so I don't worry my family, they've been through a lot in the last couple of years.

But I've seen and been through a lot of horrible stuff. When I was a child I was abused and I've never told anybody. I witnessed my dad have a seizure in 2014 and in 2015 my dad was diagnosed with Diabetes and then in 2016 my mum was told she had a brain tumour, and then a few weeks later by bestest friend who was like a sister to me died. At the time I sort of coped with it but now everything's on my mind all the time. I keep thinking about my parents and how much time they have left, what will happen to me when they're gone...

I want to talk but I'm afraid and I don't know why. I'm exhausted during the day, even after a good night's sleep. I feel anxious and worried all day and even writing, singing and watching movies isn't calming me down anymore.

All the time the future is worrying me. I don't want to lose my parents, they are all I've got. My brothers and sisters don't understand me at all, and I have no friends. I'm so alone and scared. Everyday I expect the worst to happen and it's tearing me apart. I feel like crying and screaming but I don't cry in front of people, usually I'm in bed and it's the middle of the night.

Life seemed to be so simple before 2014, I was a lot younger and the ASD wasn't nearly as bad. Now I'm like a different person. I'm pale, my hands are wrecked from constant washing and I'm so tired and fear is with me every day and every night.

I just want everything to stay as it is. I don't want to lose anybody else and I want to stop being so scared. I just want to be helped and for things to be good again.

Are you seeing a therapist at present?

I feel like you need to talk about these things with somebody who is objective.

This is a lot for somebody to go through.

I am proud of you, though, for not letting this make you nasty. Rather, it's making you into a strong person.

Paradoxically, there are times when people who suffer become stronger because of the suffering.

You need to see a psychiatrist and probably need to get on antidepressant medication. In addition, a counselor or psychotherapist can help you cope with the things you are going through.

Good luck and welcome to the club.

You may want to experiment with nutritional supplements. For example, people have had some success with St. John's Wort and SAMe.

If you belong to a particular religious faith, you may be able to find either lay or clerical counseling.

You may want to put off medical treatment for a while until you have tried other options because they could channel you into some heavier medication like SSRIs that might create problems of their own.

I'm going to say.....that Emma really seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, and is a really nice person to boot.

I feel she can overcome this. I don't feel it would be hard for her to "get out" of the Depression Club.

I know where the OP is coming from.
Things are going to happen that you don't always have control over.
Part of the process for me has been giving up that control, learning that things can't stay the same, because if they did, you would never grow as a person.
If things can be changed, there's no point worrying over them because they can be changed.
And if things can't be changed, there's no point worrying about them either, because they can't be changed.
Once you accept this lesson, there seems to be more peace.
Of course, I still get awfully depressed over my situation at times, but it doesn't affect me like it used to.
Hope you are able to see some light at the end of the tunnel soon.
I also wonder if you've allowed yourself to grieve?

Sunshine Emma I may not be able to help you, but here are a few thoughts.

I was diabetic I was on two types of diabetic medicine. I also had high blood pressure and was taking two types of prescription medicine for that. I also had Asthma, GERD, sleep apnea. My health was failing me. My problems were due to the fact that I was obese. So I underwent gastric bypass surgery and almost immediately all those conditions went into remission. That was over 5 years ago and my health is fine. So if your father is overweight it might be the root cause of his diabetes and it is correctable.

Many of the problems experienced by Aspies are directly related to stress and trauma. One of these problems is depression. This condition is correctable. You can bring some normality back into your life. According to other Aspies, therapy targeting fear and stress such as programs that treat PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) help. These include somatic experiencing, beam life coaching, Tipi emotional regulation therapy, and exposure therapy.

I can relate. Fortunately, I came out of it eventually, but I did «suffer» for years in a row.

I used to display an extremely confident persona when out in public, one of the reasons that I later learned was why I was apparently so popular during high-school (my free-style break-dancing before large audiences of students probably also contributed), but returning back to the house of my parents at the time resulted in the exact opposite of the elevated feelings of that former life-experience. Part of that was a former abusive first step-father (and an unreasonable mother) who was abusive ever since I was two and got much worse during my mid-teenage period (this was a man who whipped a two-year-old with his belt every single day). I also know what it is like to be in constant tears every single day away from people for many years in a row (for «complex» reasons that relate to an absurd amount of coincidences which could not have possibly been mere coincidences due to the sheer statistical-number of and frequency of occurrences).

My recent step-father (a different one; not the same one mentioned in the above-paragraph), who was diagnosed with cancer several years back, died of renal-failure whilst on hospice for cancer six years ago; the fact that he was a radiologist (head-doctor of the x-ray department) only ended up attracting people coming over to visit in order to feign being «friends» when in reality they just wanted to «help themselves» to a lot of his stuff at the house whilst he was too sick to keep watch and my mother was too busy trying to tend to his failing health. His health-results compared to ours is an obvious reason as to why we don't listen to doctors but not to digress. Then my mother had to get surgery for a ruptured appendix last year whilst the corrupt «legalese» system here forced me to be institutionalised at a psychiatric-hospital due to the fraud perpetuated by unconscionable public-officials.

Around a decade ago, I got to know a guy who was attending the same community college, and he was a lot like a brother to me and we spent our time together as best friends. Unfortunately, before I learned about the fraud of the pharmaceutical-controlled psychiatric-industry, I knew that the drugs prescribed can be dangerous, but I had no idea just how dangerous they were until heard the bad news on my former cell-phone from my best friend's dad. The call came a couple of days after I answered my best friend's question about quitting cold-turkey from his Prozac. He suicided by hanging himself and I felt responsible for his death as he trusted me completely (although it is true and prove-able that psychatric-drugs contain dangerous neuro-toxins as ingredients; I was not knowledgeable at the time of any form of drug-addiction needing to be tapered and weaned off instead of quitting cold-turkey). It was still devastating.

I'll have to skip over some of my other responses, due to time-constraints, even though they reveal several other similar experiences to your own, but there is I suppose one fundamental-difference in our approaches to what we experience... I seek not to keep things as they are, but to figure out how I can improve the situations, even if everybody else is comfortable with how things are now.

I would love to help you if I can but it looks like I'll be needing to work even extra harder to be able to ensure that such a thing could some day become a reality (been needing to work on things that could make such things possible anyway which is why I try to limit my time on these boards and from anything else that might slow down my work-progress). Speaking of which I think I should resume my efforts on that now before too much time passes...

Talking to a therapist can help get a lot of those feeling out of you.
I know you said you live on a farm. Is it possible to find a therapist and a yoga class around you?

Try self hypnosis on YouTube.
But please try to see a therapist.

I feel your struggle, though I can't exactly know how you feel. I've lost a friend to suicide too. This summer two of my pets died and that was really really hard (I love animals, sometimes more than people.) Have issues with depression too, and I'd say that finding a community or group of somekind that you feel like belonging to is the best help. It helps me when I can talk about silly and funny things with close people, helps remembering that life is not so horrible and unbearable as your brain makes it be. Therapy can help, but the therapist should understand ASD. Checking vitamin levels would be helpful too, I was very iron deficient last fall when I was exhausted all the time.

Do things you love, really immerse yourself on your favorite things in life, don't think what others think about you, just take care of yourself. Wish you the best.

You need to see a physcholist. I have had similar experiences. But this year I started getting severe panic attacks and depression as well. When you see a therapist firstly you need to explain about Autism as that is half a battle won. Therapy is good but because you will say things it may for a time to begin with make things worse but in time you will start to feel better. I am still seeing a therapist but I am just starting to feel better and am starting to come out of the depression.

Hello. Thank you for your replies, thoughts and support.

Last night I did a lot of thinking and this morning made myself a doctor's appointment. I think it's pretty urgent that I get this sorted as I know depression can be really dangerous if you don't speak about it. I would also like to apologise, I know my problems aren't yours, especially as you all have your own problems and lives to worry about. Thank you again for your support, I am very grateful.

I'm still not sure about telling my parents. They have quite a few problems and I don't want to worry them or make them any worse than they are now. They don't know about how I am or how I've been feeling. And they don't know about how I was abused, I've never told anybody about that, but I have a feeling that it's causing me a lot of grief now. I'm going to wait and see what the doctor says this afternoon, I just hope they can make me better.

I usually get really nervous and shy at the doctor's so I'm writing down everything I want them to know about, Sena's death, the abuse, my parents health and the constant worrying and fear. I'll let you know how I get on afterward. I suspest I'll end up on meds and probably see a therapist. Hopefully it won't be too long a haul. I'm also super tired and tearful so hopefully they can help me with that as well.

I've read before that talking helps so hopefully I'll be feeling a lot better and happier then.

I'm sorry for the super long post yesterday. I let things get on top of me. I'll definitely make sure it doesn't happen again.

Hugs to everyone

Yes, I've read how there are times when autistic people might be diagnosed with a comorbid condition, that being depression as, I too have such even if on a moderate form. I can relate to the difficulties you probably face. So, I would hope that sense your aware of this that your taking proactive steps to help improve/maintain a sense of serenity as best as possible. It's nice to know that there are a great many people here whom are always willing to offer words of encouragement along with a great amount of sincerity and compassion within their words as is mine. I hope this has been helpful?


Sincerely,
kazanscube