what look should I have on my face when just walking around?
So people are always commenting on my face when I'm just sitting there and walking around. They say it looks either "blank, bored, and very angry." What look do NT's have on their face when just sitting in class, for example? Or just walking around? I'm not sure what to do??? Should I sit in class smiling or walk around all alone smiling? Wouldn't that be weird?? The face I have now I just completely relax my muscles, like so tension anywhere in my muscles. Is this wrong??
More important than the expression itself are the changes in expression you do. You should look around, make eye contact with people looking at you (or shy away - use any way you want but show them you seen that they were looking at you) and occasionally smile to others or make any expression to communicate anything (slightly move the corner of your lips, blink, move your eyes...).
Flat expression, no matter what kind of expression it is looks odd because normal people constantly scan their surroundings while sending and reacting to slight signs of nonverbal communication. NTs don't just relax their muscles when they sit there or walk. They constantly communicate, even if they do it only subconsciously.
They only make a flat expression without any changes when they send the communicate of "I am not willing/not in mood to communicate with you so I ignore you". It is meant to shut off all incoming communication signals. So they feel you are angry/bored when they look at you having that expression because for them it means you are blocking all their communication attempts by not answering using the slight changes of expression.
I get that a lot, too. People are always asking me, "What's wrong?" "Are you ok?" "What are you staring at?" They keep telling me I look upset. I don't bother to change my appearance much, though. I just say something like, "I'm fine, just thinking about something." Sometimes they leave me alone.
One big thing that helps in public: If you notice a stranger looking at you, smile at them while you count to 2, and then look past them to something on the wall behind them and at least a couple of feet to their left or right (and stop smiling). You will seem friendly, but not overly friendly like you might be flirting with them. It doesn't usually invite them to try to talk to you, either.
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ASPartOfMe
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It is common for people to think I am upset or have a problem when I am relaxing.
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“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
The standard Aspie facial expression is one of stress.
Whether you realize it or not, because your brain is constantly trying to keep up with more incoming sensory data than it can process, you are in a state of anxiety 24/7 that is higher than what your nervous system is designed to handle.
When you've lived with it all your life, you come to believe that that is normal, so you just shrug it off and soldier on, but it is not normal, it takes a toll on your nerves. So, rather than looking all chill and smiley, like those damned relaxed NTs, we tend to look stressed out and on edge pretty much all the time.
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out." - Bill Hicks
I always have a blank face when I'm walking
Flat expression, no matter what kind of expression it is looks odd because normal people constantly scan their surroundings while sending and reacting to slight signs of nonverbal communication. NTs don't just relax their muscles when they sit there or walk. They constantly communicate, even if they do it only subconsciously.
They only make a flat expression without any changes when they send the communicate of "I am not willing/not in mood to communicate with you so I ignore you". It is meant to shut off all incoming communication signals. So they feel you are angry/bored when they look at you having that expression because for them it means you are blocking all their communication attempts by not answering using the slight changes of expression.
Wow! I never ppl were always communicating. Is this why people call me quiet even when i talk?? Also how do bts percieve me since i never make these small expressions?
goldfish21
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Whether you realize it or not, because your brain is constantly trying to keep up with more incoming sensory data than it can process, you are in a state of anxiety 24/7 that is higher than what your nervous system is designed to handle.
When you've lived with it all your life, you come to believe that that is normal, so you just shrug it off and soldier on, but it is not normal, it takes a toll on your nerves. So, rather than looking all chill and smiley, like those damned relaxed NTs, we tend to look stressed out and on edge pretty much all the time.
Either this or blank & expressionless.
Since I've managed to minimize my symptoms, my anxiety levels minimal & my facial expressions are much more natural/normal vs. blank, stressed, or over-exagerated. It was only last October when I took some antibiotics that depleted teh probiotics I'd built up that I got a comment from someone about having a blank facial expression - which was one of the clues I had that my ASD symptoms were returning. But, so long as I keep up with the diet/probiotics etc, my facial expressions are just fine so far as I can tell... I'm not getting any negative feedback about them whatsoever.
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I was glad to see this question being asked because I've never figured this out myself!!
I've been asked my whole life by strangers: "What's wrong?" or told "Cheer up." When I've just been wearing what I thought was a normal, neutral expression on my face as I just go about my day. I can even be in a perfectly okay mood, not feeling particularly stressed, and get told I look upset or angry, or see myself in a shop window and realize I must look that way to others.
I'm too old to still be clueless about this stuff and yet I still am asking myself "What am I supposed to do with my face?" because I realize there's a problem -- for other people anyway.
I like the advice someone gave, of giving a two-second smile then moving your eyes onto something beyond, if you catch a person looking at you. I think I've noticed other people on the subway doing something like this, although not with a smile but just a kind of blandness that doesn't seem insulting or dismissive, just preoccupied, and everyone seems to be happy with the moment, from what I've observed of other people.
I would caution, though, that there can, sometimes, be a gender difference with this however, depending on the two strangers involved. There has been research that concluded that generally speaking men may be more wired to interpret even a passing bit of eye contact from a female stranger as something more than just accidental or polite.
I don't want to create a poop storm of objections from guys on here -- I'm talking about surveys done involving NT heterosexual males and what they interpret when happening to randomly catch eye contact with women in the supermarket or walking along the street, or riding the bus etc.
Obviously not every time a woman politely smiles at a man and move along, the man is NOT going to think "She wants me" -- it's just that surveys have shown some men grasp onto that.
So be careful across the genders, with even a polite and brief smile.
I tend to walk along a street just not looking at all at the people who pass by -- but if I do sneak a glance, I notice that they're not looking at me either! But then, I live in a major capital city which is tremendously busy, and mostly crowded even in the "suburbs," and in a very urban setting nobody expects to greet or acknowledge every single person who walks past them, because you'd be doing it five times a second. Even on a deserted street people don't acknowledge each other in this city, and it's not considered rude, just practical and in fact safe, even.
I don't think you are under any obligation to smile at everyone or even acknowledge their existence just because you are passing them on the street. It's not rude -- everyone's usually lost in their own thoughts anyway, in my observation.
LOL....my feeling about this:
I believe the men you mention WISH that their fleeting eye-contact was meant for them, exclusively.
To me, it's delightful when a lady glances my way with those seductive eyes. It's hard NOT to want it to be meant for me. But then, my rationality takes over, making me realize that it's a "social" sort of thing, and that I am not so impressive to the lady that she would desire to offer a winking glance my way.
I used to live in France. Looking at men there as a woman is an invitation for sex. I wish I were exaggerating.
It's cultural, is all I'm saying. Now I live in Japan, where the men are much more sensible.
Uh..tangential to the topic. Sorry, just had to share.
Anyway, I've had that furrowed brow since I was a baby -- it's how I look in all my pictures back then. Everyone always thinks I'm upset, but I'm just thinking. When, for a few years, I tried to change all that -- eye contact, smiling at people in the halls -- I just tired myself out and found that not everyone wants to be social all the time either. Now I'm like, meh, I'm thinking, deal with it.
But I will say that learning how to make a really kind or bright smile can save you when you think you're in danger of seriously rubbing people the wrong way. It's good to pull out. I used to think it was a form of lying, but then I realized that, if I intellectually mean the smile, then it's an honest form of nonverbal communication. It took a while to get right, though.
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The kicker of this is your blank-expression alternative might end up just as bad - I understood its probably best to look mildly cheerful. Less questions, better impression? But now I find myself kind of stuck that way by default and it comes off as looking dopey. I catch sight of myself in random reflective surfaces and think great, you're smiling like an idiot. Stop it.
You can't win.
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Low-Verbal.
No, you really can't win.
I've noticed us Aspies have a very blank and neutral face.
There is NOTHING wrong with this.
It is exactly what we think it is - neutral.
It means you aren't happy, sad, grumpy, whatever.
Sometimes people give you funny looks just for having a neutral face.
Well, what face am I SUPPOSED to make?
Am I supposed to smile at you, random stranger, like a creepy person who acts like they know you when they don't?
Or are you going to awkwardly glare at us for showing a neutral, un-provoking face?
I've decided to use my neutral face to my advantage - it's great at hiding sadness or anger when in unpleasant situations.
It helps you look more confident, calm and assertive to hide your fear or anger behind a blank, robotic face.
I always put it on when I need to deal with people. The nickname is a 'poker face'.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blank_expression
Apparently it 'can be' a cause of 'boredom, sadness, depression, etc'.
Probably why N.T's see it that way.
I think it's important that we don't go out of our way to change our natural expression. Yes, it sucks being misinterpreted all the time, but there is benefit in being true to our selves, no matter how odd we may appear. 1. People who really know you will learn how to correctly read you and will stop assuming you're upset. 2. Maybe other people would realize the blank expression is more normal than they think if they see it more often. 3. I tend to think that any attempt to change ourselves too much to fit into society is detrimental. Some change is healthy, lots of change is unhealthy.
I certainly have no compulsion to adapt myself to strangers who are inconsequential to the operating procedures of my life. I have, however, learned to notice a little more when I'm scowling; it is an easy habit to get into. I agree with someone who said it comes of fending off sensory input all the time. For me, it is part scowl and frustration from being constantly bombarded with one thing or another that must be dealt with, and part simple squinting because the world is TOO FREAKING BRIGHT. If I can't wear my sunglasses, I squint all the time, often not noticing I'm doing it.
When I notice I'm scowling, in public or not, I make the effort to smooth out my forehead and put a calm look on my face. Not because it makes other people feel better, but because I've noticed I feel more positive when I'm not frowning; it's psychosomatic, I guess.
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