Confessional

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I think that socialization has been 'mis-venerated' in my mind.

A habit which began rooted in fear: going to (Catholic) church nearly every week for ~ 8 years. A habit which ceased more recently: habitually going to the Youth wellness center for ~1.5 years. The first one ended early last November and the latter this late February.

My point is not how much I 'believed' in either, it's me pointing out how a 'community effort' (an expression of an institution) is what it takes to make me socialize--the autism is too much of a deterrent currently to make me have enough 'thrust' to go in that direction and when I hate on myself for my hobbies or my impatience stuff like a recent lapsing into pornography happens.

My dread of ever coming across euthanasia, abortion or some other form of assisted death is one reason for why I am so obsessed with assessing and/or judging ppl on the basis of reciprocation, temperament and intelligence even if I 'technically' godless--that doesn't mean I would like that to happen metaphysics or not, divinity or not. This is even more heightened when interacting with 'the opposite sex' and I realize in full intellectual honesty I can't speak to certain circumstances or even say I wouldn't participate in that somehow but I do critically think it links to mental health in a nigh-axiom like way and is why I would much sooner 'care too much' than 'not care' or 'care too little'.

There will always be this fear within me that if I don't care I am no better than persons who unwittingly damaged my life, the addicts in this city and the 'working class' of this city with mannerisms all too close to the bullying and harassment which carved me throughout the quasi-meritocratic labor investment process/schooling ever so an accessory to classism and it's filthy popularity contests, still an accessory to classism and it's filthy popularity contests even with the internet.

The quasi-meritocratic labor investment process/schooling ever so an accessory to classism and it's filthy popularity contests which resulted in 20+ years of interminably arguable misspent time.

Could I ever trust you to never look down on me, insulted, disrespected, not be vulgar and not take me for granted?: the measure of friendship for me. My definition of friendship: never developed not counting on it to develop any longer. As painful as it is I have 'lifestyle routes' in my mind set if I don't really have friends. As abysmally painful as it is I have 'lifestyle routes' in my mind set if I don't really have friends.

Yes, I engaged with the legitimized prostitution that is pornography and the broken system which fuels it and which I hate so much but that doesn't mean that there will a 200% increase in ripple effects related to my coming across abortion, euthanasia, ppl trying to rob me, ppl exploiting me etc or even that my social assistance will be taken away.

My concept of self-forgiveness is f---d up. My concept of forgiveness is f--- up. I grew up on Catholic confessional even when there was apparently 'no problem' all along.

I hate the word 'problem'.

If anyone tells me to 'not care' what others think of me, I think to myself how much of a f---g lie that is. I have to/ need to share with +7 billion ppl. Indifference isn't liberating, boredom isn't liberating--the static ignorance of ppl when it comes to cultural geography and the struggle of immigrants is one reason I hate it..

Love defines freedom as much as freedom defines love. Patience with others defined unrestrained self-direction as much as unrestrained self-direction defines patience with others; the emergence of attention, 'full attention' or in English 'mindfulness'.

For me indifference or indeterminacy isn’t ‘liberating’; so much .b.s. has happened to me b/c too many ppl don’t care short of final changes/death, money or sex.

Responsibility...never irresponsible.

The f---g rarity of being exempt from punishment.
___

I am not going to meditate near that s---thole first high school I went to. If 'The trouble with being born' was overt antinatalism by Emile Cioran a book called 'The trouble with being an adult' which catch on with millennials as an overt statement of the ageism behind the deceptively simple seeming affair of being considered an acceptable, valid, meaningful and productive adult; (https://www.thespec.com/news-story/8599 ... in-canada/ ).

I hate to continue living with my parents. I don't know if it was 'inevitable' that I would go on pornography again..I did it in part b/c of 'get this over with' craving being better than an anxiety stretched over the course of weeks until I finish up a 'work contract' of assigned events of sorts.

If I don't really have a suicidal impulse, I might have this impulse instead...to be seen as loud, annoying and seemingly inexhaustible in need of attention to expand on the truck load of details it takes to do my life 'justice' or 'fairness' (justicia in Spanish; seem familiar).

I am going to try to not spend the rest of the day rotting in my bedroom.

“Boredom is the root of all evil--the refusal to be one's self"--Kierkegaard..."O bitter is the knowledge that one draws from the voyage!.The monotonous and tiny world, today.Yesterday, tomorrow, always, shows us our reflections,
An oasis of horror in a desert of boredom!"--Charles Baudelaire with that last sentence being used in a novel (2666) which grisly-ly highlights misogyny..

When the h--- does boredom become mindfulness?. Now I'm going to try to eventually continue reading books about artistic life drawings without feeling to guilty of risking lapsing again.

I could read Thomas Ligotti and bad things won't happen to me.

Where the h--- is my sense of humor?..

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fCKtlhOfw ... Km3hU&t=0s

Pornography addiction is what it takes for me to finally speak out about the sixth sentence.