Things have been rough for me these last few months.
As of early June, things were good. I had a job away from home that I thought would have another 6 months. I was living on site while working with children as a Naturalist and loving almost every minute of it. I had a plan to apply for either a second year there at the end or go somewhere else. Things were good. I finally had a job in my career field. I was happy.
Then on the last Friday of the month, I, and the other person who had the same position, were released and given until Sunday morning to get out. So that Friday and Saturday was a mad dash to get all of my stuff packed either in suitcases or in the mail and that Sunday night I was home.
I am grateful to my family for being willing to let me come home but it is draining to be here. I've spent the last few months applying to jobs and getting interviews. In between that I do chores around the house. Occasionally I go out to visit my grandmother in the nursing home, even though she barely recognizes me anymore and very rarely, go into town to watch a movie. This has been my life during this time.
In this time, my interactions with my family have been slowly draining away my self esteem.
My dad wants to do everything he can to shield me. I think that, if I were to let him, he would take care of me for the rest of my life. He would protect me from anyone who criticizes or hurts me. I love him for that and am glad to know he would be there for me no matter what.
I also can't stand the idea of being home forever. My little sister and brother are both in positions where they can take care of themselves without having to come home. My brother is in the ROTC and my sister is at a Veterinary school. Yet I am bouncing to and from home almost constantly. I feel like a failure, like a useless piece of garbage or worse a parasite.
My dad's wife doesn't exactly help with that feeling. Shortly after I got home, she made it clear that, if she had control of the situation, I would have to pay rent since I am living in the house. She asks questions like, 'Are you still looking for a job?' which implies that she thinks I laze about the house all day doing nothing. She communicates her frustration with me in a series of sighs and eye rolls until she gets angry enough to snap at me. She glares at me when we eat together because I eat so much and so fast, which just makes me want to eat faster so that she has one less reason to glare and be angry at me.
I understand that she and my dad shouldn't have to be supporting me when I am a 27 year old woman. I hate that I can't take care of myself enough to live on my own permanently. I'm aware that I am cutting into their finances. SHe doesn't need to keep pointing it out.
My mom is not, and has never been, any weakness she finds would inevitably be used against me. I have to keep a distant relationship with her.
I can't really talk about how I feel to anyone. When I talk to my dad's wife directly, I get flustered and she takes over the argument, leaving me feel more like trash than when I started. Even when on occasions I get defensive, she makes it clear she doesn't like my tone and I can't say anything back. My mind blanks.
If I tell my dad about how his wife is acting, he'll just snap at her, rather than help me work things out. That'll just fuel her anger at me and make things that much harder. I have no where I can go that would be emotionally healthier for me. I can't make enough money to support myself.
This weekend, we had family coming to visit. One of the conversations they had with dad and Connie is about how sad it is when the kids move out but how it's a sign of success. It hurt to listen to. Dad realized this and sympathized with me and said he understood that it was hard for me to get a good job.
At one point, among my dad's wife's glares and outright snapping at me in front of the visiting relatives, when we had a moment a lone, she told me she didn't like the tone I was taking with her, like I was attacking her.
Today is the first time I've been alone, since the visitors left and my dad and his wife both went back to work. After hours of accomplishing nothing, and going for a few walks, I came back in to find that my dog had stolen my socks. He does this, takes clothes and buries them in the back yard for us to find months/years later.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a full on meltdown, rocking, and crying out loud for several minutes. I hate this so much. I feel like being here is draining on me.
I miss being in places where I don't have to hide in my room for hours and bottle up my emotions and be afraid to have conversations. I'm absolutely miserable here and I hate it. I hate feeling so useless and worthless. I hate the words echoing around in my head and the hours at home with no one to talk to but the cats and dogs (reception and internet are not very viable options in my area). I can't talk to anyone and I'm just bottling it all up and it hurts. I want to be my own, self sufficient person and I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast.
Sorry for he extremely long rant but I'm just not in the best frame of mind right now and needed somewhere to say something.
23 Oct 2018, 4:32 pm
