Roommate with HFA

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Hello,

My new roommate (well, he moved in five months ago) has HFA.

There are a few issues of concern, but the most problematic one is that he refuses to allow me to speak unless he has initiated the conversation. He is quite rude about this. Essentially, he controls all of the conversations in our apartment.

This is unacceptable. I can deal with many things, but his seeming role as Master of The Universe is not one of them.

Any advice for me?

All you can do is pay your rent at this point.

Just don't initiate conversations.

And if you're not interested in what this person has to say, you're under no obligation tor respond to him, either.

Sorry you're in this situation.

Thank you for your helpful response.

I guess I will just need to send him emails regarding necessary topics, as he yells at me if I speak even one word.

What would you recommend regarding other control issues? For instance, if I enter the kitchen while he is present, he yells at me to get out. He is also now demanding that I cease eating off my china because he cannot stand the sound of silverware on china.

His need to control his environment is extreme.

I am non-confrontive, but I don't like the way he treats me.

You really have to assert yourself in this.

I guess I would try to be "quieter"---but I wouldn't deter myself from eating off china, or going into the kitchen. You have to right to go into the kitchen and eat off china.

How long is your lease?

We have another seven months to go on the lease.

He has a very hard time relating. For instance, I once inadvertently left a can of air freshener on the bathroom vanity only to have him then demand to know whether this action of mine indicated malicious intent.

Generally, he walks in, makes his demand, and walks out; I have no opportunity to discuss the issue with him, as he yells if I begin to talk.

He is a high school teacher, so I know he can hold himself together when necessary. He manages at the academy somehow, so it's hard for me to accept this demanding behavior at home.

I am a retired high school teacher myself. For a couple of years, I also worked one-on-one with a violent teen who suffered from PDDNOS, so I am not exactly a newbie. However, this is the first time I have ever dealt with someone on the Spectrum who is also my peer. I cannot use all of the behavioral techniques I know on a peer; it would be very wrong to treat him like a child.

I would ask the leaser if I could get out of the lease early due to mental health issues. I'd see a doc or psych to provide documentation. It may also help to talk to a social worker about this to have help/support to back you up with leaving or having him leave.

He acts like a child. He deserves to be treated like one.

Like you say, this Uber-Sheldon type can "help it."

I find his behavior to be ridiculous.

I believe the guy has to learn how to hang out with people.

I understand he's Aspie/Autistic. I understand he is under stress. But he acts like the world owes him things.

If only the guy would agree just to take it down a level....and discuss these things with the OP.....then I think things might get better.

Until then, the situation is untenable.

What an a-hole.

Just because someone has HFA doesn't make him a decent human being.

If it were me, I would go on the offensive. If he doesn't like something you do, do it more. When he confronts you or yells, just stare at him blankly. If he announces what he wants and then walks away, slam a few doors. Invite friends over - a LOT. Make HIM move out.

But not everyone has my flair for the confrontational. You don't have to do what I would do. But stop sympathizing with this jerk. Stop caring about his feelings. He obviously doesn't care about yours.

I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate your helpful input.

We both enjoy solitude. I am an introvert. Neither of us watch TV, play video games, or watch movies. We both come home and enjoy our peace and quiet. So, point being, this is not a noisy environment that is putting him over the top. And, I only come out to speak with him briefly, like "Bye. Have a good day!" or whatever. Again, I am introvert, so I would think my home an ideal place for someone on the Spectrum. I really do not think there is a good reason to have a meltdown here.

As you might imagine, this fellow can be nice, too. For instance, he invited to Thanksgiving Day dinner at his parent's home. This has encouraged me, up to this point, to try to work with him; I'm past that point now, especially since he will not discuss his HFA or triggers with me.

It seems like he has an on-off switch: When he wants to talk, he can be quite kind, but if I say anything at all to him, he yells at me. I suspect it's a control issue.

I could probably force him out but that would bring negative repercussions. I've lived here nine years and so have a sweet financial arrangement with management. When he signed on the lease, he came on as an equal partner. Now, if we split, I'll need to sign a fresh lease and my rent will jump up some $500 per month to market value. So, pushing him out would hurt me financially.

We haven't spoken in the last week. Perhaps that is best for now. I can send him reminders about utility payments or whatever via email; that's an ideal way to communicate when there is strife. If he tries to talk to or yell at me, I can just walk away. After all, if I am not allowed to speak to him, I should not have to feel guilty walking away if he should try to speak with me.

Also, as someone suggested above, I am not going to allow him to force me out of the kitchen or force me to use plastic plates.

Don't let the guy lay a power trip on you!

That's exactly what he is trying to do, and why it is all so troubling. I know he has communication issues, but that does not give him permission to hurt me.

How about this one? I went to the kitchen to pour a cup of juice. He was already there; he'd just finished making himself a cup of coffee. Clearly, he was almost done, so I sat down at the counter to wait for my turn at the frig. He turned to me and asked, "Do you need something from me?", when I answered "No.", he then let out, "Well then WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!"

There really just is no excuse for this sort of behavior.

So, yeah, it's all about control.

If an adult regardless of being NT or ND acts like a child then they may need to be treated like a child.

A person can only control their environment as desired if they live alone. In no way does someone on the spectrum get a carte blanche card to dominate others.

I have very sensitive hearing. I'm also very quickly irritated by repetitive sounds (e.g. finger, pencil, fork tapping). I will ask my family members nicely to stop. However it's unreasonable for me to insist they walk "on eggshells" around me. If "normal" sounds bug me, I put on over the head hearing protectors. I own numerous pair. My family thinks nothing whatsoever about it and I control blocking the sounds I don't want to hear by wearing them.

Metal utensils contacting pottery/china can be a very percussive. Imagine the "tink tink" sound to someone without hyperacusis being at a volume level of one. That sound to someone like me may feel like a volume level of seven or something. Still, if I don't like the sound I put on my "cans". It's my problem to deal with.

You sound like a conscientious person. He is. Being wildly unreasonable.

My family is pretty sensitive to my issues. The kids know they can't scream or make high pitched noises in the house when I'm there, etc.

Having HFA is no excuse for being a dick.

Push back. Tell him how you feel.

"Look, I respect that some of these things bother you but I think you're being unreasonable. I feel that..."

As a person with HFA, if I'm told that what I'm doing is inappropriate, unreasonable, mean, etc. I will attempt to correct the issue.

Part of the problem is that we may not be aware that what we are doing or saying is causing a problem (cuz, y'know, we suck at this "interacting" crap), but if we know that is a problem, we'll do everything in our power to fix it. If he's not willing to even consider it, then yeah, he's being a dick.

Of course, there are some who use any "disability" to see how much they can get away with. In which case, I'm not sure what to suggest. It just doesn't represent who we are.

Unlike everyone else in here, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Things like the smell and china are sensory issues, I think those ones at least are completely worth respecting. I have had many a meltdown from people using scents near me, and it is miserable when that is in your own home.

Sometimes when I am very over stressed I have a very hard time lashing out against people. But realizing it isn't their fault when I know I am like this I will go to my own room or a place people wont bug me, and actively avoid them as to avoid lashing out.

If he is like this, but not going to a private place, then he is just being a jerk, if he doesn't have one to go to, well that is something to talk about. But through email or writing.