ASD Worries

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Hello. I’ve got ASD, OCD and ADHD for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed when I was just a girl; I’m just about to turn 22 now.

My health has always been bad, mentally I mean, and as I’ve gotten older it’s got worse. Some days are as dark as a sky in a thunderstorm. Growing up I always dreamt that I would be a mum by now, with a little child, maybe even a husband… But I’m useless at everything. Nobody wants a girl like me, the ASD drives everyone away, it always did at school and it’s no different now.

I’m a pretty girl, not beautiful by any stretch of the imagination but I know I’m pretty. I’ve tried getting with boys before, but no one wants to know me, they laugh at me behind my back and make fun of me, this happened at school too. Boys have been interested before but they run away as soon as they realise I have ASD.

I’m unemployed because I’m so slow and can’t do anything, I can’t even cook my own tea or wash my hair. Everyone has to do everything for me… It’s so embarrassing, especially as I’m now an adult! I struggle to socialise and to learn new things, I can’t drive because of my poor hand eye coordination and nearly everytime I go out I have a panic attack.

I’ve only got my family but when they’re gone what will I do then? My parents are already approaching elderly age, when they go I’ll be alone, unable to cope. Life will be over for me then.

I’m starting to have dark thoughts. I don’t see much point in going on, what’s the point? The dreams I had growing up clearly aren’t going to happen now so what else do I have?
My ASD and other health problems have ruined me.

I wish I’d never been born.

I'm very sorry and I know it must be so hard.
Is there anything in particular I can help you with?

Please don't ever say you wish you weren't born.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I know that many here will empathise with the accumulated suffering that has brought you to this particular moment,
because so many AS people have been psychologically brutalised by the cruelties of bullying, social exclusion, being treated poorly in all sorts of ways. However the worst outcome and impact of those cruel "othering" behaviours is their deepest impacts - the aftermath of PTSD; the smashed self confidence in one's worth; the loss of a necessary sense of safety; the always lingering fear of being targeted and blindsided by the socially cruel.

I believe that there is a need to distinctly name, describe and grieve these accumulated and severe losses, with support and recognition and understanding from others, before healing and recovery can begin. I hope that your healing will begin today and make great progress in the next few years.

You have friends here at WP.

Thank you, but no, I don't think anybody can help me.

You're all kind for being concerned but I can't be helped. I've tried to improve but every time I try I go three steps back. I'm sorry for moaning, but I'm worthless, I don't deserve family, friends or anything else. I've brought nothing good during my 21 years on Earth, I cause worry and stress, nothing else. I'm a sad burden on everyone who knows me and it breaks my heart because it's all true.

You are not worthless by any stretch of the imagination; that voice is the voice of your unhealed wounds.

I want to tell you something, that I hope you will take and hug around your hurting heart and soul today: you aren't an ordinary person. You are an extraordinary person.

At the moment that extraordinariness (which is not weirdness, as the voice of wounded self worth is falsely telling you) is buried underneath great hurt, and the fear of being hurt again.

Today, take ten minutes to admire your soul, your strength, your courage. Stand or sit still and see that in your deepest self. It doesn't matter if others can't see these at this stage of your life. Only those who have travelled a similar path can appreciate and admire them.

Imagine seeing these same strengths in a stranger, and feel how you would admire them from a distance in someone else.

Then give yourself that same gift of admiration. Stand back from yourself and see the beauty there. No bully, no backstabber, no ignorant person can take these from you.

It is time for you to grieve and allow yourself to feel compassion for your self, feel it in your mind, heart, soul and whole self. You have come much further than you can currently see, and the journey ahead is your journey, the unfolding of that inner self, and what the world of the ignorant think is of no consequence.

Take heart. New strength will come when you stop internalising the cruelty of others and start to embrace your strengths and reconnect with the courage that has got you through the worst of past events. I think you may need someone who can privately just listen to, and accept, and validate what has happened to you and how painful it has been. A stranger with those abilities, who can hear without judgment, and see you fine qualities under the accumulated avalanche of the years and events that have sowed seeds of self doubt that beset you now as a gardener, who has been unable to tend a beloved garden for some reason, is confronted with weeds.

Support when it is genuine can help to remove those weeds and help you see and free the flowers hidden underneath their smothering presence.

Now is also a time to explore your painful feelings in whichever mode works for you - if words, then journal; if you are more visual, then draw or paint them. If you are musical or poetic, create a song or a poem. If you feel inclined, express your anger physically in safe ways. Whack an old pillow with a baseball bat, or a fence with a rubber hose, or punch a cushion. Exorcise that anger stored in your muscles. It is ok to turn pain into anger as long as you choose a safe place and do it in safe ways, ie not harming yourself or others. Giving expression to the whole complex of your imprisoned feelings is important.

We have a "rants" thread on WP in the Haven forum too, where you can express feelings without having regard to logic or what others think, as long as it falls within the boundaries of our general rules here.

Today, above all, give yourself recognition of worth and value.

I would say there's a 99.4444% possibility that you're your own worse enemy, Senatriss.

What sort of things do you enjoy doing? What do you like to watch on YouTube?

I'm wondering why you can't cook or wash your hair.
What prevents you from doing these things?

Quite possibly burnout, which manifests as severely limiting the capacity for personal agency and severing the link between intention and action, due to exhausted resources on all of our four major levels - psychological, emotional, physical, and the level of the deepest core self from which agency springs forth. This is a crisis in many AS lives, at particular stages.

We have had some good threads here about burnout and its effects, OP, which are probably easiest to find by googling using the signifiers "Wrong Planet burnout in AS people".

Tony Attwood also has some comments and at least one video on AS burnout, maybe you could look for autistic burnout articles generally.

You are in the prime age group for the first experience of severe, major burnout. I prefer to think of it as a state of almost total soul exhaustion, where the capacity to cope has been temporarily overwhelmed by a surfeit of wounds and injuries. Healing is a slow journey back to renewed inner resources. I think WP has a valuable role in providing some hope and support to those in the depths of burnout exhaustion.

Here is a thread on burnout that may offer you some new and/or useful information:
viewtopic.php?t=364157

I just read about burnout, it's very likely that I'm suffering from this, I have most of the symptoms and reading about it, it could be me. I never used to be this bad, it's in the last year where I've started to struggle and cope with certain things. Most of the time I hate myself... I wish I could be the daughter my family had always wanted, not Autistic and able to complete school and get a good job. I'm 21 and they still have to look after me, that's no life for them or for me.

I struggle with memory loss, it's severe. I read something or try to learn something and I've forgotten it within a couple of hours. That's the problem with cooking, I'll burn myself or give myself food poisoning because my brain can't understand how to be safe... washing my hair is because I can't stand the feel of the shampoo on my hands and I can't stand the feel of my own hair. I feel exhausted 24/7 even after a good night's sleep I'm so tired, I spend all day yawning and have to keep taking naps, it's like being an infant.

My family took me to the doctors a while back to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong with me, I eat very little because after even a small meal I feel full and I'm constantly tired and feeling unwell, but the results came back fine, so it's obviously just me being useless as always. Like I said, I'm a worthless person with no point of being here. I'm a burden to everyone who knows me and they really would be better of without me.

Some days I consider death. When I go out I have thoughts, like running into the road in front of a car, or jumping out of a moving car. The thoughts last a couple of seconds but they worry me, I don't know if I'll ever actually do it. I'm very unpredictable, in the past I've just suddenly done things. I have emetophobia so I've never worried about taking tablets because I'm too scared of being sick to do it.

I like watching music videos on YouTube, they relax me for a short while. I also like speaking with my cousin, she's so sweet and comforts me when I'm low. Other than that I don't do much.

I feel like rubbish today, exhausted as usual and very irritable and sad. I want to go to sleep and never wake up, there's nothing here that I'm good for. It would be better for everyone if I didn't wake up.

The only thing you "should" be doing now is whatever delights and refreshes your energy. Put the other beat-yourself-up shoulds in the deep freeze, this is time to focus on your real needs, not what pleases others nor what they want you to do.

Burnout signals to us that we need to refocus. We need to stop driving, shaming, blaming, comparing ourselves to the huge pile of shoulds we accumulate over the years.

Focus on what makes you smile, what refreshes your energy, and being who you really are, rather than who others want you to be. Do what only you love for a week and see if that lifts your energy a bit. Get the rest you need, and very deliberately practice kindness to your self, in attitude, self talk, thought and action. You matter.

I used to enjoy lots of things like art and watching princess animations like Sofia the First. But for ages I can't focus or relax; the tiredness is making me feel awful as well.

I'll try and watch something in a minute maybe like a movie or perhaps I'll go out for a moment and get some air.

I just wish I could stop thinking so much and slow down, I feel like my head is constantly spinning and bad thoughts never leave me alone. I can't remember the last time I wasn't feeling perplexed and tired.

I'm sorry for being a pain.

Do you like drawing?


I know the feeling. The best I could do about it was to turn on one of my favorite records, get a puzzle to solve (the most relaxing activity for me) and wait until my mind processes everything it needs to process.
And, by what you describe, your mind has tons of information, feelings and stimuli to process. It will take time but there is a way out of it.

Aren't your parents a bit overprotective? I hate the feeling of washing my hair too but it's just something that has to be done as quickly as possible. Or maybe wear your hair short?
I'm a loser at the kitchen too, I burned and cut myself countless times, I've burned several kettles and plenty of food. But after years of practice, a tea or a bowl of rice remain within my culinar abilities Soups and casseroles (I hope that's the right word) are also ways to turn contents of your freezer into something edible without much talent.

I used to really enjoy it but haven't done any art for ages.

I like listening to music as well, I find it relaxes me and helps me to keep calm and think good things rather than let the darker stuff pull me down. A puzzle might work for me as well; I used to really enjoy doing puzzles. I need something that can slow me down and let my brain deal with and manage things like my worries and thoughts without it getting overloaded, which is what I think happens at the moment.

I feel a lot brighter now though

It's my own fault really, I got so low and let others do stuff for me and now they think everything needs to be done for me. I hate the feel of stuff like shampoo on my hands but I may start doing it myself that way I can regain a bit more independence. And maybe I can start by making myself a salad or something? That might help with the cooking thing. To be honest with you, I want to try these things but I'm so used to failing and taking more steps back than forward that I'm scared to try again. But I don't want to live my life thinking like this because it's horrible.

Good luck and have fun

I think that what you are going through right now, however unpleasant, is extremely healthy
Just let your brain take its time and process it all.

I went through the same things when i first learned about aspergers. You have every right to feel good about yourself whether you contribute something to the world or not, this is just my opinion. A lot of people are unemployed where i live even when they don't have asd so you don't have to take it personal. About doing things for yourself, it actually DOES make you feel a lot better. I started cooking and cleaning for myself when i was a bit older than you but doing it helped me a lot. It made me feel like i was more independent and it give a confidence boot. You can start small, don't worry about it. I have a friend in my age who just started cooking believe it or not! (and she doesn't even have asd!) Maybe you can do small chores everyday and then reward yourself with a video game or TV show to watch? These are just small things that come to my mind but also, if you are n't seeing one already try talking with a therapist. It helps a lot to have a professional third party listen and give advice. It give you perspective and makes you get out of your mind.