Getting confronted by people saying you "insulted" them?

Post Reply New Topic

This happened to me less following a diagnosis in my latter 20s, but it certainly happened quite a bit in that "volatile" 17-24 age period for young males. Have any of you had to deal with being blindsided by some angry individual accusing you of having insulted him (or her)? And you had no idea how until they explained it (and even then it didn't make perfect sense)??

Granted, there are some toxic personality types - like malignant narcissists- who will conjure up any pretext, or sometimes none at all, to claim that you "insulted" them just because they perversely get off on conflict and want to demonstrate some sort of superiority over you. These can be hard to spot, and so sometimes our knee-jerk reaction may be to think we just stumbled upon one of these a-holes and they're just crying wolf. These imbeciles can pick on anyone though, NT as well. If alcohol's involved, then all bets are off. But I digress.

All I could really do, or advise to do in such a situation is say as non-sarcastically as possible: "I'm sorry, I didn't intend to insult anyone, there may have been some unintended connotation that I missed." If they get really in a huff, threatening you, hopefully you're in an area with surveillance cameras b/c then you could point them out and say that the footage will be reviewed by unbiased witnesses (unlike their entourage) if anything happens to you.

Things I can't stand about self-centered and overly-sensitive people:

If you are more cheerful then they, it's an insult.

If you are more successful than they, it's an insult.

If you are prettier than they, it's an insult.

If you are smarter than they, it's an insult.

If you don't agree with them, it's an insult.

If you don't applaud their performances, it's an insult.

If you don't laugh at their jokes, it's an insult.

If you don't praise them, it's an insult.

If you have a better idea, it's an insult.

If you have more friends than they, it's an insult.

If you would rather do your work than pay attention to them, it's an insult.

If you would rather spend time with someone else, it's an insult.

Shrug you shoulders, ignore them and just walk away.
Idiots are not worth the time of day!

Since we all cant follow you around with a webcam mounted on your shoulder we don't know how you interact with people.

I realize that I supposed to say sumpin' like "theyre all bad people,and don't give them the time of day, and blah blah.." to make you feel good. ,but let's all get real: if you get huge numbers of people thinking that you insulted them in the recent past then (when the rest of us don't)then it could be that you have a unique penchant for accidently insulting folks. And being on the autism spectrum may indeed cause a person to have a propensity to miscommunicate and to accidently insult folks.

If that's the case then its in your survival interests to loose that penchant.

Maybe you can give us examples of situations in which folks thought you were insulting them.

There are three main reasons why people might feel that I have insulted them:

1. I offer solutions to their problems when they were just venting or seeking affirmation and agreement.

2. I say nothing at all when they were seeking solutions to their problems or seeking affirmation and agreement.

3. I affirm and agree with them when they were just venting or seeking solutions to their problems.

Honestly, I'm in my 60s and I still can't tell the difference between venting for the sake of venting, venting for the sake of finding a solution, and venting to seek affirmation and agreement.

Tell them to get over it or get a life or chill out!
I am not going to be scared of a random nobody.

In my experience, only very rarely have they been "malignant narcissists". More often than not, they actually had a valid grievance; I do have a marked tendency to assholery.
First, I listen. I listen carefully to that they're saying, and resist the urge to shut down or become defensive. I try not to interrupt, deny, gaslight, or divert them onto a more comfortable tangent. I listen, without simultaneously composing my reply in my head. I fact-check; asking reflective questions like "you mean _______?", or "what I hear you saying is ______?". Everyone wants to know that they're heard, that they're feelings and concerns are taken seriously, and quite frankly, I suck at this and need the feedback.
If their complaint is valid, I apologize without invalidating it by BS self-serving rationalizations or lame attempts to justify my behavior. I try to do so plainly, succinctly, and sincerely, incorporating an acknowledgement of their feelings; again, people need to feel like they're heard, and feelings of insult put relationships upon thin ice; at such times absolute candor and clarity is needed.
I try to learn from their feedback and improve the way I relate to others, but clearly I'm a particularly dull pupil.

I can’t stand old ladies trying to get me to smile at them. I know it makes women feel good to get a smile back from me, but I don’t care, I’m not smiling at some lady to make her feel good. So then they get mad and say I have negative energy or that I’m a psycho. Which in turn causes me to say “go smile at someone your own age”. And this is why I avoid people.

You shouldn't get that a lot unless you are doing something considered unacceptable by society.

I find it annoying when people come to me for advice and just want to argue or say I'm wrong. They should just leave. I've been learning "how to push them out the door quickly."