Aspie female trying to parent

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Hello. I was just rediagnosed as aspie with inattentive adhd and executive function issue. This was added to impaired anxiety disorder. I'm married with three older kids (one already out of the nest). We all knew something was different about me. At first I was relieved that I am not going crazy. It's nice to know I can take a break with the self judgement of my failures at succeeding socially and fighting with adhd.

Here is my question. How does one instill respect . My husband, being relieved as well with my diagnosis, is telling the kids that my "way" of parenting is because I have Asperger's. For some reason I feel like I am now seen as a parent who "just doesn't understand how things work".

Any advice?

Oh yeah kids are 15, 19 and 23

By continuing to be a good mother, and by making sure they know that disrespect because of Aspergers will not be tolerated.

So what if you’re eccentric!

As long as you show love to your kids, and as long as you didn’t abuse them, and use Aspergers as an excuse.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but being "weird" can become something of pride, rather than something to be ashamed of. And as Kraftie said, nothing changes in terms of them having to respect you. Be the same mother you have been. It just gives the kids a new perspective, as it does for you, and for me for that matter when I found out I was aspie.

Sorry - my mother was also on the spectrum, and she never knew how things worked. My NT sister never gave up on getting a "motherly" response from her, without success. No matter what happened, she never thought she might be the problem - it was others who were weird. I got my parenting from a patchwork of adults, but I needed more.

Thanks for the new perspectives. I like the word eccentric.

I'm good to give hugs to them and let them know I love them with the words "I love you". I just don't really like them hugging me back too long as I start to feel trapped.

I just hope my perspectives don'tt screw up theirs. When they have something bothering them, if I try to help, I always feel I make it worse with the range of view points I can see. It drives me crazy to the point of inaction. How do you know which one will best help? I end up saying all of them with the common result of "it's ok mom I'll figure it out".

Hello. You and I are in the same age group but your kids are quite a bit older than mine. I think YOU could give ME advice on parenting. I'm not sure about the respect issue for kids that are the age of your kids. Teens are tough regardless of NT or ND!

Do you feel that parenting has been more challenging for you than you think it probably is for NT parents?

When my kids ask me if they can do something or ask me something, it's like my brain freezes up and I think: "You want me to give an instant answer on something you JUST now asked me about???"

Did the family dynamic or the interaction your kids had with each other (arguing, fighting, etc) give you anxiety and stress you out?

I'm sorry to be asking you questions when you started a thread asking a question, but you have some valuable experience successfully raising the kids you have.

Hi Magna,

I loved raising the kids as no one was there to tell me I was wrong. In regard to arguing amongst the kids. I recall taking over an hour and a half to get home one day for a trip that should have been 15 minutes. The three of them were being especially nasty. I pulled over the van and told them that I was exhausted. Their bickering sapped my energy. I used the car to help them understand how I felt and how they could help make it better.

The rules: If they wanted to get home (which they did) they needed to say a nice comment to each other to help be have the energy to push on the gas. If it was a negative response like "I don't think you're a jerk" or just plain mean I would put less pressure on the gas and the van slowed down. Needless to say it left a mark on just how far mom would go to make sure they knew how to speak to one another.

The other thing I would do is put them in the same room and tell them they could not come out until both decided what ever was making them mad about the other was repaired.

For arguments over "things" I would tell them that if they couldn't figure out how to share on their own and had to come to me for help whatever the "thing" was I would just take it away for the day. There was no negotiation with me on this fact. It was tough at first with all the melt downs but someone told me tough love helps kids grow so me being me (a wee bit stubborn ) I would never give in. This helped tons.

As for questions for permission if I needed time to think my answer was "maybe". If they needed an answer immediately they knew my "maybe" would turn to "no" because I needed time to think and no is a better answer than "yes" if you reconsider after the fact. (better to turn a no to a yes than vs). They knew the rule and were quite satisfied with my "maybe" answer as it really did leave them with fair chance of success.

Hope that helps a bit.

Note: I didn't use the "figure it out in a room by themselves" until after the age of 7. I believe they are to be held responsible for their own actions from then on. They know better.

Wow. Thank you so much, Babs, for the great advice. I'm going to copy and paste what you wrote and send it to my wife. Such truly great ideas.

We have all boys, the problem we have is that they "press each other's buttons" to the point of one working the other up until a tantrum, wrecking something of the other's, etc. Almost like they'll escalate things until a "blow up" in order for us to then step in. If my wife and I are "hands off" to try to let them resolve things, they can't seem to do that.

I believe you've actually been a pretty good parent, OP.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Just make sure they respect you as a person.

The fact that you still love parenting and that the 23 year old has left the nest sounds pretty good to me!

You can look at it as contributing to developing their problem solving skills, because in my view it's far better for them to work through their own problems, with your support, than if you solve everything for them.

Thank you for that.

I love parenting but parenting late teens into adulthood is something I am finding hard on my head. I keep trying to tell our 15 year old that I shouldn't need to parent him to do things at this point and that he needs to be self motivated. But he lacks stamina in the self motivation department so he is closed to failing a class. grrr!

Yes, I think young children are much easier for aspies to deal with!

I found that when the kids were destructive I would handle it in two ways. 1.) if the destruction were "things" I gave them the choice to hold my hand for a few hours (pain cause you only have one hand to do everything for the time). The reason I explained to them was that they obviously needed some love to chase out the anger or they could just choose to stop on their own. Was cool for me cause I didn't care how old they were. Oldest age to have to do this was 12 and I believe they found it quite embarrassing. 2.)if the aggression was a sibling I would tell them either they stopped or they would need to hug each other as the aggression was only there to have contact with the other indicating a hug was what they really wanted. This usually ended in a couple of ways: yuck I'm not hugging him or her which meant they stopped with the aggression, they hugged and started feeling better or hugged then broke back into a battle. If the latter happened I would then say ok now you have to hold hands nicely (hand hug) for minimum of 5 minutes and the time doesn't start until it's "nice". On can also insist on each of them saying a compliment. Most of the time one just misses the other and one wanted the other to get lost. Either way after the 5min both get what they wanted.


I'm not sure how it will run for you cause I brought mine up this way so "mom is just weird" was pretty normal in our house.

Generally speaking, boys need affection too and society doesn't let them hug like girls can.

Last edited by Babs01 on 10 Dec 2018, 3:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's not self motivation, that's obedience. In gr. 9, I was still keen, and treated a bad typo on the exam as a trick question, getting zero for the only correct answer given. I flunked out a few years later with a general knowledge score above college grad levels. The help I needed was just not available at home or school, so I didn't look motivated, but I later went to the library, and then lectured to graduating engineers. If your kids are not being prepared to change our economy to save the climate in the next decade, they won't feel instruction is relevant.