I am beginning to really hate people and I don't like that

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I am starting to develop feeling of deep hatred for people and that really bothers me. I am not a person who harbors hatred but I am feeling like I am starting to hate even some of the people that I love the most. I no longer want to talk to them or have anything to do with them. The reason is that they keep gaslighting me even if they don't realize that they are doing that. I can no longer tolerate being gaslighted and the feelings it now makes me feel in my own mind are really scary. I feel like it's causing me to lose my sense of autonomy and my connection to my own body.

The most recent episode of this happened yesterday. I was in my horse riding lesson at one of the barns I ride at. I only ride at places that cater to disabled riders so they have all of the adaptive equipment necessary for pretty much any kind of disability including ramps for people who need them for getting on and off the horses. Lately I have been using the ramp not only to mount the horse, which I have done for years, but also to dismount. Usually the horses are dismounted to the ground and not onto the ramp unless the rider is a wheelchair user. But I have been allowed to dismount on the ramp for several weeks now because I have some nerve damage in my left shoulder so I am trying to protect that shoulder by not putting my full weight on it when dismounting the horse. The doctor said that the nerve damage is permanent and it will never actually heal so I just have to manage it and protect it to keep it from damaging further. One way that I can protect it is by dismounting onto the wheelchair ramp rather than to the ground.

But for some idiotic reason, my riding teacher decided yesterday that I should no longer be allowed to dismount onto the ramp even though I told her that I am trying to prevent further damage to the nerve. This is nothing but her trying to have some kind of control that she has no right to have. She is making medical decisions for me that are not within her rights to make and she is risking causing me further nerve damage just because she doesn't want me to use the disability accommodation that is there specifically to accommodate the people who need it because of their disability or due to injuries that they have to manage. And when I told my brother, his response was, "Well, she is your trainer." He thinks that just because someone has a degree in something or is an authority figure, that means that they know everything and that I know nothing even when it's about my own body and my own disability and that I have to obey whatever they say blindly even if I know that they are wrong or that obeying them will cause me hurt, harm, or injury.

Being treated this way ALL THE TIME is making me HATE people. The feelings of hatred that I am now starting to feel are really bothering me and even scaring me because I am not a hateful person. I never have been. And being gaslighted constantly is making me lose my sense of autonomy. It's scary that I and many of us are so often told that we should advocate for ourselves but the minute we do, we get gaslighted and treated like this. I can't tolerate it anymore. It makes me never want to talk to my brother again about anything. It makes me hate my riding lessons which are so therapeutic and so important to me in so many ways. It makes me hate myself and my own existence because people are constantly treating me like I have no right to protect my own body. It makes me feel like people can decide to do whatever they want to me and I have no say in it. They make me feel like I don't know my own body or my own mind and that they are the only ones who know what is best for me even though they don't know me at all. They make me despise my own existence.

Being treated this way ALL THE TIME is making me HATE people.

One common Aspergers trait we can have is making assumptions of mal-intent on the part of others. while people can do what Jerry Seinfeld called "random acts of malice", most people have reasons for their actions. In the riding example, the person could have recently been rebuked for allowing non-injured people to use the ramp or someone may have recently complained.

If you have been poorly treated in the past and are now attempting to set boundaries and take more control over your life, you may want to be careful and not overshoot. Hate can result in a bitterness that can poison a life.

It can also be helpful to see people not in terms of their attacks upon you, but in terms of their limitations and circumstances.

"One common Aspergers trait we can have is making assumptions of mal-intent on the part of others."

It appears to me that neurotypicals frequently assume negative intent, in cases of ambiguity, just as much as autistics. But that is not a representative sample and I do not know how to read someone else's mind.

Plenty of examples.

Security guards following me around like I am going to shoplift something. They asked me what I was doing and I answered waiting for the litterbox (bathroom)

A customer put a car with a bucket of paint in it and the cart was blocking the electrical outlet and I was trying to plug in something so I moved the cart. "Hey! Mine! What are you doing?" The customer had the nerve to bark at me. Another employee told the customer that I was trying to plug in something. The customer did not persist but he did not apologize either. (The customer thought I was stealing the paint )

And so on

Gaslighting is a word that I rarely use so I looked it up. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

I read your entire rant and I don't think you are being gaslighted. But that is my opinion.

I cannot make a judgement on this case. Your injury may be so severe that you will never get back to normal riding again, or it may be that you have a false belief that you CANNOT GET BACK TO NEAR NORMAL. I do not know. Your teacher may be trying to help you and not hurt you. There are many experts in this world. Not everyone is right or everyone is wrong. Some people have a built in capacity to UNDERSTAND THINGS.

Or it may be that she just has had a bad day. Remember you are feeling stress. She may be feeling stress also. You do not know if she is also having a bad day. There are many variables to understand deep down what is happening inside people.

So what is the solution? Not sure. Perhaps you give up taking this form of therapy, horse riding. Or perhaps you implement measures (such as wearing protective clothing should you experience a fall) to prevent yourself from being damaged).

I don't believe that people are malintended. In fact, I have the opposite problem because deliberate malintention is not something that I understand. I am actually the queen of seeing people in terms of their limitations and circumstances even to the point of my own destruction or demise. Anyone who actually knows me will tell you that. My therapists are constantly having to explain to me that evil people actually do exist because I can't understand why anyone would deliberately want to hurt another person. I think that part of the reason for this is because I am emotionally four years old. And the four year old part of me is very pure hearted and unjaded. So it makes it extremely difficult and sometimes impossible for me to understand that people can be malintended.

But this fact makes me a target for people who are either social predators OR who are simply insecure and because of their insecurity, have a need to control others. They are usually not even aware of this need in them, and they are also not aware of the damage they do to others who are vulnerable. These are not malintended people. A lot of them even truly believe that they are well intended and even try to do good things. But just because they are well intended or unaware of their actions does not mean that they are not causing unimaginable damage.

I also do not harbor bitterness or hatred. I never have. I do have my own sins, just not those. The fact that I am struggling so much just because I am having some feelings of hatred says a lot about that. Any feelings of hatred or bitterness in me are almost impossible for me to tolerate in my own person, and other types of bad feelings towards others such as aggression or other evil things affect me the same way because of how those emotions will completely overwhelm me to the point where I cannot function at all. The intensity at which I feel them makes me completely incapacitated and completely unable to function. I have a very specific and extremely rare psychological condition that makes it fatally dangerous for me to feel these kinds of emotions because of the intensity at which I feel them. So I literally cannot survive if I harbor things like hatred or bitterness. So those things won't destroy my life, they will literally end it. So, I never have to worry about bitterness of hatred poisoning my life because I would most likely be dead before I ever reach that point.

But you are absolutely right. Bitterness and hatred have poisoned and ruined many people's lives and I have counseled many people on that very thing. I always try to spread messages of understanding, compassion, and forgiveness even when others hurt us deliberately. I never want to have hatred or bitterness in my life. They can be very destructive and are very difficult to heal from when they take a foothold.

But just the fact that am starting to feel those feelings at all is completely overwhelming me. That is why I am such a target for bullies and social predators. They know that no matter what they do to me they will get away with it. And the same thing makes me a magnet for insecure people who need to control others even if they are not specifically bullies or social predators or even if they are not aware of what they are doing at all. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

And it doesn't matter if I do my best to set boundaries. People who are in those three categories have no ability to respect boundaries that are set by people whom they consider lower social status than themselves so my boundaries will never be acknowledged or respected by them.

I don't understand what you mean by overshoot though. Can you explain to me what you mean because I don't understand that. When I try to set boundaries, they are boundaries that need to be set for my protection. It might be to protect my body physically like in the example I stated in the original post. I don't understand what you mean by overshooting but I don't think it's unreasonable to set a boundary that can prevent further damage to my nerve in my shoulder. Other boundaries I might set might be to protect myself psychologically or emotionally. Because of the nature of the rare disability that I mentioned above, a psychological or emotional blow could literally be fatal to me so it is important that I have the ability to protect myself from that. But since only a very few people, and I mean very few, like two who happen to be my two of my therapists, even understand this phenomenon, it is not possible for me to set those kinds of boundaries because no one will ever respect them. That makes me incredibly vulnerable. So I just have to live my life in a constant state of extreme vulnerability. I understand that and I have to just deal with it but having to live in that state constantly weakens me making me more and more vulnerable and more and more fragile since the more I interact with people the more I am exposed to this kind of danger. And since it's not possible to never interact with people, this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME. It's a real catch 22 because the longer I live the weaker I become because I cannot be 100% socially isolated. It's just not possible. The weaker I become, the more boundaries I need to be able to set for my own protection and survival but no one will respect those boundaries. The weaker I become, the more vulnerable I become and the more vulnerable I become, the more I attract social predators and bullies and insecure people. So it just gets worse and worse. And there is nothing I can do about it.

What I need is to be protected. But because my physical appearance makes me look completely normal like a normal healthy nt, no one really understands or truly believes that I am disabled, vulnerable, fragile, and in need of protection. So it just creates a vicious cycle.

Last edited by skibum on 13 Apr 2023, 9:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

I am being gaslighted. Gaslighting comes in many forms and degrees. I have spent many months studying what gaslighting is and I have had my therapists explain the many forms it takes.

I ride very well. I don't have any problems riding at all. In fact, I am probably one of the best student riders in that riding school. I don't have a problem riding and I will never stop riding. I also haven't fallen off a horse in over 40 years. I just can't get off the horse (as in dismount when I am done riding) in a normal manner because I have to protect the nerve in my shoulder.

It is a center for disabled riders. You CANNOT ride there at all if you are not disabled. They do not allow abled riders at all. So to deny someone an accommodation because of a disability or an injury is actually against the whole reason that they exist. My riding instructor's job is to teach me to ride. She has no right or authority to make a medical decision for me. She could actually get fired for that. She has no medical training, and she is not my doctor. She has not been treating and managing this nerve thing for over a year like my doctor has. And in order to ride there, just like at any riding school, you cannot ride there unless you are fully cleared to ride by your doctor and that is ongoing, not just a one time thing.

It is not her place to decide what someone is medically capable of. That could close the entire facility down if the instructors and volunteers start making medical decisions for students. She needs to respect what I say about my medical issues and my disabilities. if I were a disabled student with a legal guardian and the legal guardian explained the medical issues that she needs to respect, she would automatically respect them without question or she would be fired. She needs to give me that same respect as the legal guardian of my own body. But she has no respect for me as an autonomous adult. That is the problem.

This is such a horrible way to be treated and it really happens all the time to people like us. I am so sorry that you have to go through this kind of thing. It's so infuriating.

Can I hate some people for you?

Give me a list of names and I'll be on it.

LOL!! ! I love you so much girl!!

It sounds to me as if the matter wasn't talked through enough. It could be that the instructor was acting out of malice, but if I were at the receiving end of whatever happened there, I'd want to inquire further about it, to seek a reasonable explanation for what seems on the surface to be a glib judgement of your use of the ramp. Could it be that she simply doesn't know what your doctor advised? Is there some reason why it would be awkward to let you use the ramp, such as it being needed elsewhere, or it taking the staff a lot of bother to set up? If not, it does seem like a pointless and arbitrary decision she made.

As for your brother's response, that doesn't seem helpful, to just say (in effect) that the teacher knows best simply because she is the teacher. I suppose she could be gaslighting you. Another possible explanation is that authority figures sometimes push people around for no other reason than to demonstrate their power to themselves and others. There's no particular malice intended but it's clearly insensitive of them.

This isn't the first time another person has pushed advice onto you that appears harmful to your health and safety. I remember your kayaking experience. I suspect the invisible nature of your needs may be contributing to these situations. Maybe you have a hard time explaining your needs to others in a way that would force them to be aware of the invisible problems they're creating for you.

I can well understand how anybody subjected to physically harmful and dangerous situations could develop strong resentment. A lot would seem to hinge on what you've said, how you've said it, and what you haven't said to them. If you've managed to put your case clearly in a way that leaves no room for them to reasonably dismiss your position, then it they don't back down, they're the wrong kind of people for you, (personally I think they're the wrong kind of people for anybody and that the world would be better off without their "help"). I think most people would back down as long as they were challenged calmly and respectfully, but there are some who are too arrogant to listen. But it can be very hard for some of us to find the self-confidence and adequate words and gestures to present such challenges in a way that gives them the best chance of being effective. And if the situation is making you feel intense anger, that would make it even more difficult.

It looks fairly clear that you're in the right about this ramp. It's doctor's orders that you keep the strain off that area. For reasons best known to herself, your teacher is trying to deny you that, unless she can explain why she thinks dismounting a horse wouldn't be a health risk to you. Maybe you could ask your doctor to give an opinion on what you're being expected to do, and if the answer is that you shouldn't be dismounting a horse without a ramp, perhaps ask your doctor to contact the teacher and explain the problem to her?

Those are just my thoughts. Apologies if I've misinterpreted the situation.

Would this work? Get your doctor to write a note explaining that you ARE disabled and need the ramp for horse riding. I'm not sure I would have the nerve to actually give the instructor the note, but I wonder if they would respect your position more if a doctor was behind it too.

This particular incident happened yesterday and I called my doctor a couple hours later to see if a note to that effect can be written. I am waiting for the doctor's response. It's a shame though because as an adult person, she should respect me enough to not need a doctor to confirm this. I think that is really the bottom line. She refuses to respect my rights as an adult autonomous person.

You are right in your assessment of her having a power issue. This is not the first situation that she has done these kinds of power play manipulations with me. When the nerve issue became more severe a few months ago, we agreed to have me dismount on the wheelchair ramp to protect the shoulder. I also use the ramp to mount the horse because with my motor skills issues, it is easier than the regular mounting block. The ramp is a huge thing and it is fixed in the arena. All the wheelchair users have to use it but anyone who feels more comfortable mounting from the ramp is welcome to use it. it's not a problem because lessons are spaced out so that only one rider is getting on a and off a horse at a time. So my lesson starts at ten. The lesson that might share the arena with me doesn't start until 10:15 so I am well out of there before the next person even comes in. The girl who shared the arena with me yesterday is a wheelchair user who has to use the ramp but because the lessons are spaced out and our lessons are private lessons, she did not need the ramp until twenty or thirty minutes into my lesson. So even if I were to dismount on the ramp, I would be gone at least fifteen or twenty minutes before she even needed it. So it would never be a case of someone else needing it at the same time. And if that ever were the case, like if it were a group lesson, which it is not, I only do private lessons at this place, we would just wait our turn. And it cannot be moved. It is a fixed structure and part of the arena so it would never be elsewhere.

I had been using it for many weeks with no problem. What my instructor's explanation was, was this: I am competing in a competition at the end of May in a different location. I will be competing in the class of disabled riders. She told me that I have to get off the horse without the ramp because I don't know what the conditions will be at the competition. That is the biggest load of horse and BS that I have ever heard. First of all, it is a competition for disabled riders. So they are required to have a mounting/dismounting ramp because there will be wheelchair users. They will also most likely have an equestrian hoya lift. Even though I am not a wheelchair user, no disabled competition will ever deny me use of the ramp if I tell them that it is medically necessary. All I have to do is tell them and I will be able to use it. I don't need a doctor's note. I am a disabled athlete competing in a competition for disabled people. I will be able to have access to any accommodation that I need in order to compete. That will never be an issue at that level of competition.

The way she was acting was as if she implied that I needed to know how to get off a horse without a ramp. But she knows that I know how. I had been getting off without a ramp for almost two years in her lessons with here standing right there before my nerve got damaged. I have been getting off of horses without ramps since I was 12 and she knows that. I am 56 now so I think I have that skill pretty much down.

The reason we started using the ramp was because when my nerve got damaged, we talked about protecting it and she decided that it was best to have me use the ramp so that I would not put pressure on it during dismount. If you don't ride horses, when you get off a horse in English riding, you have to take both feet out of the stirrups and let your feet hang free. Then you have to lift your body up with your arms and hold your body weight with your arms as you swing your leg over the horse's back and then you have to support your body weight with your arms and distance yourself from the horse's body and gently and in a controlled manner jump to the ground. This move puts pressure on your shoulders so if you have nerve damage in your shoulder, you don't want to do this all the time not to mention that it is incredibly painful if you have a nerve issue. If by some crazy fluke the competition did not have a ramp, I would endure the pain of dismount for one day and one day of this might not cause more nerve damage. But to do it repeatedly every week is definitely not a good idea. There is absolutely no reason at all to put my shoulder at risk for further nerve damage or to make me endure that pain. And it's also much more comfortable and even better for the horse if I use the ramp.

I have known this woman for over two years and I can confidently say that she has power issues. This is not the first time that I have had these types of power play struggles with her. Like I mentioned in my other post, because of the nature of my disabilities, not only my Autism, but my other disabilities as well combined with my Autism, it makes me an incredibly vulnerable person. Insecure people like her as well as bullies and social predators seek out people like me because it is easy for them to exert their power and get away with it. It's like I have a huge bullseye painted on my back so it is very easy for people like this to target me. That is why I go through this kind of thing all the time. And I have no social defenses because I am as socially incapable as a little child. So it's easy prey for these kinds of people.

Is there no end to the level of ************* incompetence that I have to deal with??? I just got a letter from the doctor in the portal. You remember I said I had to call twice yesterday to ask for this letter because the first time I called she couldn't understand what I was asking? I literally had to end up yelling at the office both times until they finally decided to listen to what I was asking. So when I got the message that there was a letter in my portal, I thought, oh good, they wrote it for me. Well here is the letter they wrote. And just so you know, I had an osteopathic manipulation two days ago where the doctor, who is also my primary care doctor, did some work on my left shoulder. But I had no appointments today at all. In fact, today I have not left my house. So here is what the letter says:

it is dated April 13, 2023 (today)
Skibum was seen in the office on 4/13/23.
Please excuse her from school for the purpose of this visit. If there are any questions of concerns, please contact us at the number of our office shown above.
Sincerely,
Dr. I can't get my head out of my behind.

If this had been a single incident, I would not have been angry. But in the 17 years I have been with this doctor and with all of my doctors since I have moved here, NOT ONCE have I ever had an experience where they have gotten communication and correspondence correct. And they always have an excuse why they can't get it right. So I had to call them again to figure out this latest mishap. But every time I call, I have to wait on hold and the hold music is so overwhelming that it makes me have significant meltdowns. I tried to call the general help area but when I pressed the prompt, it would just hang up the call. So I pressed the prompt for the triage nurse station. I had to wait on hold for a while before she answered which made me have a pretty impressive neurological reaction. When I finally got to talk to her, I explained in clear and careful detail that I CANNOT be on hold because the music makes me have severe meltdowns and severe neurological reactions. She said she understood. Then I told her about the letter. As soon as I explained the letter issue, I KID YOU NOT, she said, "I will put you on hold to see if I can find out what happened!" I was like I actually don't think there are emojis to describe what I was feeling. I had to say something pretty explanatory at this point. Then I said, can you just call me back? She told me that the office should call me back by 8pm. But I am not holding my breath because it is extremely rare that they ever call me back when they say they will.

You hate the crap. I think we are really, really tired of all the crap and angry, angry, angry. I was so good and nice and accommodating and then to find out I was taken advantage of ... for decades. It's exhausting to advocate for ourselves. My work friend would say "I am going to dismount using the ramp" and she would. But I am "too polite". But then maybe my friend exudes an energy that nobody would even suggest she do otherwise than where she is headed with full confidence. I seem to have a sign on me that says: "go ahead and disempower me". Probably the world crushed me a lot to start and now I'm gun shy. Actually, I'm a pendulum: I can look and act full of confidence in one situation and then be a person easily put off in another. I love the idea of saying to a person: "I appreciate your concern and your position of authority, and I'm going to need to do this thing anyway...." - so awesome!! !! I want to do more of that. Or even some of that. At least once. In the most respectful way possible, I'll get off this horse when I can do so safely.

So sorry your brother doesn't get it. My sister is straight up toxic for me; she regularly diminishes my concerns. I'm learning to do a better job of explaining my perspective to her with confidence, or truly letting her have her mistaken belief w/o impacting my own. "Better" means I've done that two to three times in three to four years. It's a start.

I spent most my life depressed --- I learned early that was an acceptable emotion for a woman who was deeply oppressed. Now I am angry. It's a step in breaking free and grieving, yes? Embrace the step, and get to the ramp. Hugs.

Thank you!! You definitely get it. I am so sorry that you have had similar experiences. I think you are right about people like us having those targets painted on us.

I wrote about this on my horse riding forum as well. One of the women said that she has bad shoulders also and if an instructor had told her that she could not use the ramp or the mounting block, she would tell that instructor to go pound sand. I am like you. Sometimes I can go at it with guns blazing to fight for my rights and other times I just shrivel up. It's really hard to be a pendulum like that. Big hugs to you too my friend.