Mainstream kids or not?

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Hi. I know this is parent stuff, and there is a parent forum, but I really appreciate and the thoughts from you folks, as many of you can probably relate more to my son than I, or educators could.

My son is 6. Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Smart kiddo, but has somewhat significant social and behavioral challenges.

He has spent most of his kindergarten year in a class for kids who are on the same level academically as their peers, but who would struggle behaviorally without support in a mainstream classroom.

Recently, his former therapist and advocate went to observe him in class. She said that he followed directions, did well, and we need to call an IEP meeting and demand that he spends 90% of the time in a mainstream class.

This was a bomb for me. I thought she was going to tell me how much she liked his teacher and peers. He's doing great academically (at least in math and reading), his vocabulary is growing rapidly, I love his teacher, etc. After all the worrying about how kindergarten was going to look, whether we should find a special school for him, etc., we were actually comfortable. He isn't going to get teased, he has aides for support, his meltdowns wont disrupt the class, everyone is on the same page.

That said, I do really understand the importance of inclusion. He copies other kiddos. So, when he sees how neurotypical kids handle problems, handle social situations, handle being independent, he is more likely to copy that behavior. In his current class, he may think it is acceptable to drop on the ground and cry when he doesn't get his way, since that is what peers do. Also, there are things you learn in a normal kindergarten class like about buildings, community, bugs, etc, that he isnt currently getting exposed to.

So, I'm meeting with his teacher tomorrow, but I really don't know what to do. The comfort of his current home or the challenge of mainstream class? If the plan is eventually to mainstream him (should that be the goal?), am I just delaying his progress by delaying the switch? How do you feel about the mainstream vs. Special ed debate in general?

Thanks for any replies!

Scott

I've read some accounts of people who, frankly, have acquired more knowledge & consideration of this topic than myself.

I think it comes down to some situational factors:
- mainstreaming may be the preferred default, if acceptance/understanding are good and bullying is controlled
- if the child is twice-exceptional, this should be spotted and strengths should be leveraged
- if acceptance/understanding are bad or bullying is bad, staying in place may not be helpful

I feel like "mainstreaming," overall, would be more beneficial to your son than keeping him in "special ed."

It's wonderful that you are being so conscientious about evaluating the best options for your son. It is a trade-off. I'm autistic and was in a special program for kids with developmental disorders from about 3-4 years old, then entered kindergarten and was mainstreamed in public education. I did very well academically and was actually advanced a grade. I took advanced classes and later college placement courses in high school and got through college in three years. I learned to behave much like others in my age group, learned skills that proved useful in my 40-year career in science and tech and that even helped me in my role as manager. So, yes, there are many life-skills and interpersonal and social skills that can be picked up by kids with autism. On the other hand, I never fit in, had very few friends, was bullied and ostracized and didn't feel comfortable participating in social events like the senior prom for example. I learned to be what people expected me to be and to act how they wanted me to act, not in integrity with my inner self. That happens to a lot of autistics and frequently leads to 'autistic burn-out' (quite a few good articles and videos on this, one is here: https://boren.blog/2017/01/26/autistic- ... d-passing/). I had unsuccessful marriages and friendships because learning to act like non-autistics led me to appear like someone and something I'm not and which I could not sustain over time. Even at 62 years old, I actually still yearn for that special program when I was 3-4 years old. I don't know how things would have turned out if I had been placed in special education. I guess I'm grateful I was mainstreamed. I've had a lot of experiences I'm grateful for. If I could go back and change something, it would be to have my parents aware and involved in my experience in school and to be conscious of the difficult path I had to walk. And I would have benefited from encouragement to be my autistic self at least in some area of my life. I'm retired after a distinguished career, but I haven't regained the ability to just be who I am - it's extremely hard to act "abnormally" even when alone. I hope this helps - being autistic in a non-autistic world is fundamentally rough - that's why this is called WrongPlanet.

Thanks everyone for the great replies! You've given me a lot of very useful info to think about. @eyedash do you feel the path you took helped you navigate the NT world a bit more than you would have otherwise? Would you have stayed in some kind of specialized program if you could do it again?

Whenever possible, he should be on the path towards a regular or above high school diploma.

I like the advocate's advice about 90% mainstreaming - maybe not 100%.

It's important to remember that the more challenges your child meets, the less "help" he appears to need and the less he gets. It may be helpful to have him see an autism specialist outside of school, on an ongoing basis right through graduation from high school. Continuity with the same therapist or specialist is really valuable, if at all possible.

Just my two cents worth, from a mom who didn't handle this the right way with her own kids - although there was no way I could have known.

I am ASD level 2 though I wasn't diagnosed as a child. I went through mainstream school, was considered gifted in primary school. I am glad my parents had put me in regular school but I regret not getting help for the bullying/loneliness I went through at school. I also could have had some assistance with my difficulty with verbal instructions(central auditory processing disorder) and could have benefited from some counseling for depression I had as a kid although at the time I didn't know what depression was and only communicated it as being "bored" whenever my parents would ask me how my day was.

If you see the purpose of school to be preparation for life, I think mainstreaming makes a lot of sense. There are very few jobs, churches, social clubs, etc. that cater to autistic people. Most are designed for and dominated by NTs. So starting that adjustment process early on may help him be better prepared for a lifetime largely spent in a nuerotypical world.

That said, I think it is important to be sensitive to the fact that he will need consistent affirmation that it is okay to be himself and stim or whatever he needs to do, especially when he is at home. It will also be important to find regular times and places he can be in an accepting environment with (ideally) autistic peers. Or at the very least a hobby/special interest outside school, so that if (when) school is socially challenging, he has an outlet. And keep the lines of communication open so that he knows it is okay to tell you he is NOT okay in normal classes if that's the case.

He may also benefit from some formal social education about how NTs interact (some "politeness ground rules" so to speak) and/or time to process any interactions that were confusing or didn't go as expected. His classmates may benefit from some education as well. At their young age, they are probably more likely to be curious and accepting if they know a little bit about autism.

Those are my thoughts. I am not an expert though, just going based on how my, and especially my brother's, school experiences went.

I really valued the special program I was in up until I was 4 years old. I liked the other kids a lot and still remember Bubba and Adam and Matt, close to 60 years later. And most of all I was helped by the attention I received (it was a small group that varied from 4-6 kids) and being accepted as different - for what I am. My parents had very bad reactions to my autism and I wound up in that program when my mom had something of a breakdown in part because she had trouble handling my reactions to being fed and touched (being fed was to me like being gagged and having a spoon rammed into my mouth and throat) and she was in the hospital for her episode and for losing her temper and physically attacking me. My parents never accepted me being different and took me out of the special program at the first opportunity (when I spoke at 4 years old). I realize that the "grass often seems greener" elsewhere and if I could have gotten the acceptance of my condition and gotten attention and care for addressing my social, physical coordination, and communication difficulties elsewhere, I likely wouldn't remember the special program with such longing. Although in mainstream public school I didn't meet other kids with disabilities until high school when they mainstreamed a group of deaf kids in my school - and growing up around solely neurotypical kids left me with a lack of having friends like me who I could identify with, or aspire to be like. I try to make up for that now here on WrongPlanet and in the autism support group I used to attend. As to the question about learning to better navigate the NT world by attending mainstream school - that's one of the big positives. I was able to excel in my professional career, work with some great engineers and scientists to advance certain cutting-edge technologies, got my name on 11 patents, managed other engineers for about a decade, made numerous technical presentations in front of customers, worked on classified programs - plus in my personal life I was able to travel to Mexico and Germany a number of times, navigate buying a condo and a couple of houses, got married (and divorced) twice - and much of this required interpersonal and communication skills that I initially learned in mainstream public school. It's sort of a trade-off of being accepted, being my authentic self and having other autistic peers in special education versus being able to successfully navigate and succeed in the neurotypical and professional worlds. A trade-off of the heart versus the head, basically. Having success and fulfillment in accomplishments and now being retired, I miss the fulfillment of the heart. The grass is always greener, and I long for what I didn't have in life, but we make choices of necessity and despite the feelings of incompleteness, I'm certainly grateful for having been able to function as I did. Even though I may "pass" for normal among NTs, it's inauthentic: I'm still 100% autistic inside. Yet I now find I'm unable to stop "passing".

Million dollar question...

Is your son doing well because he needs the scaffolding (support), and the scaffolding is getting him work to his full potential?

Or

Is your son doing fabulous, and doesn't need it anymore.

The district were I work, ASD supports ate up a ton of the SPED budget. So in my district, your son would have been mainstreamed right off the bat. It was hell to get a support person in the classroom. If the ASD child wasn't continuously screaming, biting or smearing pop on the wall, he was mainstreamed.

So I'm a little cynical about districts trying to shove everyone out with little support and into a main streamed class room, under the guise of "doing well"

If this goes to s**t in 3rd grade, how flexible is your school? If your child is main streamed, how hard is it to get a little help? 1st through 3rd grade is when kids make a huge leap with social skills. It's less, "I'll show you my Legos, and we can sandbox play." to more talk and social interactions. This can be incredibly difficult for someone on the spectrum. Frustration leads to acting out, and by third grade, the teachers have no time for that.

Around here, 1st grade is really the new 2nd grade. If your child can't take turns, be quiet (with in reason), follow directions and keep his butt in the chair, it's a really miserable year.

I guess I would need assurances how the school will handle things not normally tolerated in a class of 26 1st graders. Pick your son's worse issues and ask them point blank how it will be handled. Low frustration tolerance? Overt slimming? Roaming around?

What happens around here, when someone else's kids act up, the classroom parents fire up complaints to the principal and school board, because "our children's education is being ruined by kid with behaviors x, y and z."

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Maybe your terrific little boy is really doing that well!

Just keep this other stuff in the back of your head. Sometimes the hard sell isn't solely because of your kid, but the district saving $30K per year on a 1:1, or one less body in a expensive special education class.

Let's us know what happens

I think that mainstreaming would be a much better choice than Special Ed. It's the modern way of doing things and it's beneficial for both your son and his peers. I liked high school better than elementary school because I was mainstreamed in high school. Sure, most of my peers were snots but it sure beat being in Special Ed 80% of the time the way I was in elementary school.

Thank you all so much! I'm blown away by these responses. Really great thoughts. I'm going to try to respond to some of them individually.

Agreed. He is. His class is designed to keep up academically with his grade level. One of the cool perks is that they're letting him do 2nd/3rd grade math/English. Not sure that would be the case in mainstream kindergarten.

Thanks! I'll look into it. I didn't even know autism therapists existed!

The bullying/loneliness part is my biggest fear. That's one of the reasons I like his current class. There are 8 kids in his K-2 class, and about the same in the grade 3-5 class. They're all really tight, so he always has buddies to be silly with.

My son also struggles with verbal instructions.