Shutdown + NT (ADHD?) child -> viscious cycle

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It happens every now and then with my younger daughter. I fall into partial shutdown and then she clings to me and tries to "activate" me by talking and shouting, touching and generally trying to get my attention. Which of course makes the shutdown deeper, which makes her even more actively seeking my responses.

It happened yesterday. I told her I needed to rest and went to bed but she went after me, talking and poking. I pretended to sleep - she woke my by shouting to my ear. I was in a shutdown, unable to defend myself and she was trying everything she could to wake me and cheer me up. It was like this, worse and worse, until my husband came from work and dragged the kids away from me.

My Aspie daughter experiences shutdowns herself, she knows the feeling "when just you want to curl up" and she knows how to respect my shutdowns or even how to hug me to make me feel better. But the NT (ADHD?) one can't get it, despite my attempts to explain - apparently, managing a shutdown is against her instinct.

She's 6 now and pretty smart. I wonder at what age she will finally learn it.

My 7yo daughter is almost certainly autistic but does this. She doesn't have shutdowns so much as meltdowns and struggles to connect her experience (very external, outward, explosive) with mine (shutdown).

I'm sorry that's not very helpful, but I'm interested to hear others' ideas and I just wanted to say I understand what you mean I think.

She’s only six. I feel your daughter will “get it” soon.

If you cry, or fake cry, maybe she’ll get the message?

I'm really hoping for it. She's smart. She's starting school in September, I hope to sign her up for cub scouts and any other team activities I could find.

When I cry or fake cry, she tries to cheer me up

It's possible it's not really the spectrum thing, rather introvert/extrovert difference amplified by the spectrum traits. Thanks for sharing.

Would there be the chance for your husband to role model how to be when this happens to you, she could learn to have a set role to take on board?
One that she practices when he isn't there...

Now that’s a fine idea, indeed...

I agree with Amity. Your daughter may feel overwhelmed by not knowing what to do, and she's overcompensating in counterproductive ways. It sounds like you've already tried to teach her about your needs but maybe she forgets in the moment, seeing you shut down.

Assuming she isn't a highly proficient reader at age six, I'd suggest making a chart with visual diagrams of what to do step by step (e.g., get mum a cup of water ... shut out the light ... cover her with a blanket ... quietly play with (whatever) in the other room ..."), or this could even be a video / voice recording that you prepare ahead of time, telling her what to do. She may be comforted hearing your voice in a video or recording. It seems her maternal instinct kicks in and she wants to be a capable caregiver, so I hope she can learn in the same way she'd learn to care for her dolls or other people who aren't feeling well. If she's the type who responds to "sticker charts" etc., perhaps she could be praised for each step of the instructions that she follows?

Why couldn’t I come up with that????

My husband is slowly learning not to blow a meltdown when seeing my shutdown...

The idea of a rehearsed role - I need to think it over. How to do it the way I get enough time before she's done

Lol if the 6-year-old was an Aspie, the replies in this thread would be very different...

I'm not sure I would approach it much differently with an aspie (well, I don't...as manifested by my comments above). Either way it's kind of like intercultural communication...aiding understanding across different ways of looking at the world.

Sometimes it feels like an impossible challenge balancing a neurodiverse household. Everyone has competing needs and unfortunately it's often a case of prioritising the person with the highest needs, or at least the needs which will spiral out of control the quickest.

My 5yo is NT, and he's fortunately a very calm, compliant kid, but I feel quite bad for him sometimes how much he has to just fit around his sister's needs. It doesn't seem fair how easy it is for him to do so, or that he has to. But then, we're working hard to make sure we meet his needs in other ways, and we've unofficially assigned them a parent ea as my husband is NT and already my son has outstripped my capacity in some areas (social needs and abilities, emotional complexity etc.), and my daughter makes a lot more sense to me whereas she's mystifying to my husband.

Back to Magz' issue though, I really like the idea of scripting responses and actions to take (I actually have a card I carry on my person at all times with instructions on what to do if I experience a shut down, but that's aimed at an adult first responder, not a child). I think I'm going to try that.

It sounds like I have a very similar situation. I tend to shut down. My 6 year old daughter is extremely extroverted, probably adhd/asd, very sensitive to moods and always wants to help make everyone feel better. That's not anything I want to discourage, but sometimes I need space. I don't know if this would work for you, but I try to capitalize on her hyperfocus by having new craft or lego sets hidden in the closet to be pulled out as needed. When I shutdown, I do tell her how I feel and thank her for being so caring, and then I pull something out to divert her attention. A new lego set can give me a few hours.

Vicious cycle indeed! I remember trying to make my mother interact with me by tickling her and blowing in her ear when I was a child and my youngest son used to grab me by the chin and try and make me look at him when he was younger.

I was left with the impression that my mother never paid me any attention. I suspect my children might predominantly remember those times I couldn't interact and forget the huge amount of time I spent with them deliberately trying not to be like my mother, who in her mind was trying not to smother us because she felt smothered. I hope my efforts when I wasn't shutdown at least made some good impression on them. It is so painful seeing them all finding life so difficult. If they were at least happy I wouldn't have to feel such a total failure. Mothers are so powerful. I feel as though just a little attention would have made a huge difference to me and I hate what I have done to my own children with my own failures of attention.

But at least your children have a father to take up some of the slack when you can't cope. I didn't and my children don't. At least not one on the same continent.

Do you think it? Which way?
I think the rehearsed role idea would be even better if she was an Aspie.

My husband isn't really NT, at least not in the stereotypical way... I would rather suspect him to be BAP or even mild Asperger's. Functioning well enough not to need any external support but not skilled in social and emotional stuff any more than me.
Actually, it's a big step forward that when he sees the situation I described, he leaves the room instead of blowing a meltdown, which he used to do, making the cycle even tighter and more powerful...

So we can't really assign parents to children, we have three socially awkward introverts and one 6yo socially fluent, active extrovert. I'm hoping for as much as possible social life outside home for her. Scouting wasn't the thing for me but I suspect it saved my brother's emotional development, making him able to experience various human relations and learn healthy ones. That's my current idea for the close future of my NT little one. Let her have her needs met outside home once she's old enolugh for it.