Incapable of Expressing things properly

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I've been thinking about how I struggle with expression. No matter how many times I repeat something, it never gets "out", it's just me rephrasing something desperately attempting to make some contact with someone.

I have this problem with everything that I have to extract from my "internal world". I am good at describing external things however. I understand the relationships between subunits (I don't know what to put there) and the main topics of a subject, so I can explain topics like geography or biology to someone very well, and learn the topics with what seems to be more speed than others, but I cannot (as you can probably tell by this point) express something coming from inside myself, no matter how hard I try. This doesn't just involve explaining emotions to people but all types of art, where passion or creativity is required.

This is the primary cause of meltdowns. Sometimes I feel something but for most people they know how to "discharge" of it. For me, complex emotions that I can't explain just get stuck inside my brain and remain there for weeks, sometimes months, and just cause me to atrophy.

I have a similar experience... I can sit and think about lots of complicated or intense things and analyse my thoughts and feelings but getting this out verbally just doesn’t seem to work! I’m much better in writing. It’s frustrating because I can’t even explain to people why I think I’m on the spectrum. My counsellor confirmed that it’s crossed his mind with the things I’ve said to him.

I’ve only recently found out about high functioning autism, masking and burnout and every test I’ve taken confirms this and many people’s descriptions follow a similar path as mine. I’m still finding it hard to explain to the few people I’ve spoke to, I just feel it explains my life really well. Looking and acting so normal for so many years is definitely detrimental to this. I just thought everyone feels this way and everyone else mans up and gets on with life!

As usually I’ve gone off on a tangent but I get where you are coming from if that helps.

I often have a hard time expressing myself in conversations with people that I don’t know that well. I tend to stumble around and stutter. I’m not as bad that way as I used to be, though. I’ve made an effort to slow down and try to think about what I say before I say it. I come from a family of fast talkers so that combined with social anxiety and awkwardness is where most of my problem with communication lies.

I’m a good listener and have gotten really good at drawing people out, but I’m too reserved to form many friendships.

I’ve had somewhat of an odd upbringing, so it can be hard for me to know what to share without coming across as a weirdo (not that I think there’s anything wrong with being weird).