Traumatized by social interaction

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Basically I'm starting to realize I've developed a kind of PTSD to social interaction. It's like social anxiety but more paranoia-based and it lasts when I am not around others. I have seriously negative memories and encounters. I often want to disappear from society.

It feels like I am blind in a world with lots of sharp edges, but no one knows what this blindness is. I've walked into these "sharp edges" which are really other people, having no idea what anything means. I've had so many bad experiences with others just build up that I no longer feel safe around other humans, who I see as "others".

The worst scenario is when people force-feed me cues for hours when we are together for whatever reason, and suddenly explode on me because I didn't realize any of them and they say I'm just not listening, when I am trying as hard as I possibly can. In order to understand others it has to be entirely verbal, which "ruins" the point of being with someone when I have a constant urge to talk nonstop. The uncertainty of what someone is thinking about causes the most trauma out of anything else, so either I talk excessively to control the atmosphere or I let them talk to me endlessly.

On top of this, I have a very hard time "opening" to others. I create a fake persona and push my real self deep under it. This is also what NT's do, as I've been told, but for me I don't want to reveal myself unless I am VERY comfortable with someone. But so far, every time I do they've attacked me where I'm most vulnerable, like they enjoy that. I have had this response from everyone. I'd usually have a thick skin but I have a shell of interpersonal armor in place of where normal social cues would be because I've gotten used to the understanding that all NT's have intermittent explosive disorder.

I'm just generally starting to think that the only people I can really communicate with are other people with AS. This whole society is (at least in interpersonal contexts) just a giant pool of "sharp edges".

I can relate.

I really just want to live alone with a cat. A few internet friends will do.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. I remember being told that I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was doing my very best. It’s frustrating when your best isn’t good enough. Doing one’s best all the time is exhausting!

These days I know my limits better and try not to overextend myself.