Do you lack empathy?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello, I am somebody that has commonly described as a person that "lacks empathy". In everyday communication, it seems to me that I oftentimes do not understand why people are upset with me, and oftentimes will get upset back because I feel needlessly attacked. In particular, I often break social norms or conventions that I see as pointless amd unnecessary; things like not making your bed, eating when everybody else sits down, sitting a certain way, hugging close relatives goodbye, and so-on and so-forth. Or, I'll disagree with somebody's argument and pick it apart logically if it is emotion based- this causes me to be accused of merely lacking the empathy to have nuance on a given issue but for me, the heart in the issue is not important. For example, if somebody snaps on me out of nowhere and is mean, oftentimes somebody else will advocate for them by trying to tell me they had a bad day or are stressed.... but I do not care, I don't believe those things justify being hard to be around.

For these reasons, I am said to lack empathy, and from my experiences all I can conclude is that empathy is often used as an excuse and be-all defense for all pointless and emotionally based actions that make little sense beyond being some irrelavent collectivist practice or "a bad day."

But my opinion and story aside-
1. Are you said to "lack empathy"?
2. Why?
3. What do you think of this accusation?

I have difficulty watching the news and wonder why I keep doing so, so no.

Sometimes I'm actually *too* empathetic. People's emotions often have a major effect on me.

1. Are you said to "lack empathy"?
My first diagnosis included that on the document and a few people have said so.
2. Why?
I don't always express it well, I tend to run hot or cold on things, I used to be extremely angry at all times, and lack of awareness of boundaries.
3. What do you think of this accusation?
It shows the accusers lack empathy.

I'm gonna answer this sort of clinically and again plug Valerie Gaus's book "Living Well on the Spectrum" since I'm using it in my therapy for about a month now. She argues first of all that there are two types of empathy: cognitive and emotional. W/the former you can reach a point of at least understanding intellectually how another person is feeling, even if you don't feel what they're feeling. Emotional empathy should be fairly obvious: you feel what another person is feeling.

Gaus additionally claims there are four steps involved in empathy as it relates to social interaction between people. 1) Thinking about what another person is feeling 2) Identifying the emotion(s) involved that the other person is feeling 3) Feeling that feeling yourself and 4) Expressing all this to other person, whether verbally or otherwise (for example giving them a hug).

She says that studies have shown that people on the spectrum tend to score lower than NT's re: cognitive empathy, but HIGHER re: emotional empathy than NT's do. This is obviously not a universal finding, just about ASD people in general. It's very possible (I obviously don't know you, Perfectionist) that you do at least sometimes feel one or other type of empathy. And you should therefore completely disregard what anyone else tells you about what/how YOU feel. Only you can know that. But it is true that if you can (maybe over time) learn to practice the 4 step method at least some of the time, other people in your life may begin to SEE that you demonstrably can act empathetically toward other people.

I struggle w/this too, albeit not in the same ways it sounds like you do. I think I'm quite emotionally empathetic, at least when I can identify with or care about the other person (particularly friends) and there are occasions when I can figure out intellectually what others are feeling, whether I feel the way they do or not. And at least in those types of situations, I've never been afraid or hesitant to express empathy to another person (or occasionally to a group of people). I also do it more easily w/women than men, but in my ASD support group I think I've improved even w/men, though it's still a work in progress.

Perfectionist: you have to figure out if this is important to you or not as something you want to be able to do/understand/feel and/or express to others in your life, at least sometimes. If you're sure you're happy the way you are, then you can of course just continue doing the same thing. Otherwise, maybe this info at least helps you understand a little better. Good luck!

I am extremely empathetic, but I don't always show it. As a child, my eccentric aunt used to wonder why I wouldn't be bubbly and expressive. She would always pester me about what was on my mind because I'd be so quiet, and I didn't understand social cues...still don't to this day, but that's everyone here, so...I'd watch a movie with her and it'd be really sad or moving, and I'd be able to hold back my tears to keep myself from being embarrassed, but she'd be crying and she'd get frustrated at me and ask, "don't you feel anything?!" I sure do feel lots of things. I'm so empathetic it literally hurts, and I am literally using the word "literally" correctly. I just don't show it. If someone (at work, usually), needs help or is sad I will only sometimes ask them if they're okay I don't like showing my emotions to just anyone. I'm always afraid of a reaction, so I don't console others often. I'm afraid of what others will say about my advice. like, "Don't listen to that dimwit! She has no idea what she's talking about" or, "she doesn't understand what she's doing, so just ignore her." because that has happened to me many a times.

1. Are you said to "lack empathy"?
Nope. They're too polite if not cannot seem to make up their mind.

2. Why?
They don't know there's a difference between the me having the EF to 'have' cognitive empathy or even control enough affective empathy from not able to.
And no, this is no excuse. People do not need to know.

3. What do you think of this accusation?
I wish it's true in an intentional sense. I wish how others may thought it was reflects to what I feel or intent -- I wish I'm truly in control of my 'actions' and therefore 'intentions'. I wish I'm just as selfish and guiltless as one may accuse me of.

Affective empathy alone is just useless, even more useless if cannot be regulated or something you could afford having.
You feel X for Y, so what? You're aware this person feels X, would that give you a clue how this person would want to respond? No, unless you're reckless enough or that you have enough data to compensate. Does that reflect your intentions? Would it?
No matter how strongly one feels, it's meaningless if that feeling won't serve anyone. Especially when it benefits no one but the ones who would exploit it.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Quite the opposite. It is excessive, but only conditional. If they have not harmed me or someone related, I will respond very strongly to another person if they are injured, and do anything I can to help them if it is a physical need. For emotional needs I am capable of understanding but completely incapable of offering any solace or guidance to someone that is not exclusively verbal (like I can't help someone who is mourning, my blank expression will upset them further).

Short answer is no. I definitely do not lack empathy and seem to exceed many NT's because my inability to express it creates frustration which engenders my empathy response.

OP this is the sort of thing that confuses me too.

I understand people's motivations a bit better now and will not draw people into over logical arguments... however I am now also spending time with people who don't annoy me as much. So I'm not sure if I've "improved" or if my circumstances have improved.

I think you have got your head around the idea of people not wanting to debate things. We have the internet for debating. If you want things to run smoothly at home, don't debate at home.

Now, the being snapped at when someone is stressed or tired. I find that one more difficult to deal with. That feels like gas lighting to me. My Mum has serious mental health issues and was a nightmare to live with. I didn't know she did at your age and I couldn't deal with it. Shed say pretty unkind things to me. How I was, my personality, my autistic traits upset her.

But, they've got to draw a line somewhere. I say this because I had to learn to control my emotions so as not yo trigger her. Why csnt they. (Im not wining, its a serious question).

I don't know what the answer to this is. Its really difficult.

I moved out at 21 and only went back when I was seriously ill for a few months, then I was outta there like a shot again.

Maybe if when they snap ask if they are feeling ok today. Offer them a cup of tea (If you're British).

Not conforming to social norms is a totally separate issue from empathy or lack of it.

There were some people who accused me of lack of empathy. The way I see it today, all the occurences happened after a failed attempt to emotionally manipulate me into doing something I found illogical to do.

If I really lacked empathy, the school psychologists dealing with my children would most likely give me totally different feedback than they do - if I really lacked empathy, I would be unable to develop strong emotional bonds with my husband and my kids.

I don't think empathy is a yes or no question; from what I've understood, majority of people are empathetic towards some and unempathetic to others. Empathy is "putting yourself in another person's shoes", right? Then it's natural that people are more cabable of showing empathy to those who have had similiar experiences as them since they know what they felt and have an idea of what the other person is going through because of that. I think that this is the reason us autistic people are often said to lack empathy; we just can't relate to all the problems as much as average NTs can. However, this doesn't mean we'd be less cabable of empathy, just that we have different experiences. For examble, how many NTs have you gotten empathy from for sensory issues? The answer is zero for me (and I've talked about them to many), yet all fellow autistic people I've mentioned it to (and that's quite a few, too) have been able to relate on some level, though some way more than others. Wouldn't this mean it's the NTs who lack the empathy? It depends on the situation, really.

As for the questions:
Yes, my half sister brings it up all the time if we have some kind of disagreement... though it doesn't feel like she wants to blame me since she always says "well it's part of that illness of yours", but I hate it since it makes it sound like she as the "healthy" one has to be right since I, the "faulty" one certainly can't be. She tends to use it to win an argument and if I deny autism having anything to do with it, it kind of feels like she's saying that I can't understand anyway 'cause I'm autistic.
Other than from her though, I don't hear it much.
...I think this might've actually answered all three.

If it means putting myself out because others consider their emotional needs to be significantly more important than my own, and then expect me to comply with their requests (from a self-serving "appeal to empathy"), getting offended when I refuse them, then no.. empathy is an emotion I just cannot process.

Definitely not. In fact my psych says i have too much empathy and i hate psychopaths, even fictional psychopathic characters.