Understanding the Reasons, Contexts and Costs of Camouflagin

Post Reply New Topic

Thankyou, firemonkey. The statistical analysis is beyond my ken, but it's nice to see some research that's so clear about the negative aspects of camouflaging that so many of us seem to experience. The following quote summed it up beautifully, I think...

It makes me really sad because in some areas of being around groups of people I use acting thick with a sense of humour built in to mask. Theis masks any small clumsiness and when I may say something which is not considered to be normal and acting thick is such a lovely way to hide it... I also learn so much...
But I usually feel "Would they still like me if they really got to know the real me?" It makes me sad...

This reflects my experiences: that the cost of camouflaging are high. It settles into me and makes me grateful for validating my experience. I'm not sure what, if anything, would ameliorate that.

Is difficult isn't it?
On the one hand I feel along the lines that I may be masking so often that I don't know who the real "Me" is... (The real me is there somewhere! Haha!)....
And on the other hand I have this fear that the real me without a mask would be a bit of a nurvous wreck and not someone people would aant to be friendly with, as in the first few years of being in school, I was very much completely alone and hardly said a word. At home I was communicative. But in school... I have learnt this is normal for people witn prosoprognosia? Where the person feels homesick away from home and parents etc... Yes, that's me. If I am away from my Mum or the familiar envoroment I am panicky... Yet, as long as I am in Wales and know my Mum is near, I am happy. Now if I am married, my Mum would shift to be my wife... as in the person who I am happy being with etc. (Not that I don't or won't care for my Mum as I want to reward her and not sant her to be lonely etc...She also has prosoprognosia so uses me as a familiar "Reference point" in the same way I use her if that makes sense?
I am not confined to living in one place but I am basically confined to staying in Wales and what I mean by Wales, is the south, mid and north but away from the densly populated areas like the big city areas in the South East of Wales. So the rural or semi rural areas I feel more at home in. My geography... as in sense of where I am is very hood as long as I keep to the rural or semi rural enviroment within Wales. I have never used a satnav and would not like to use one! I once tried following instructions on someones satnav via their phone! Stupid thing! Grrr! Didn't she know I can only multitask one thing at a time? Let me finish the last instruction before speaking out several more!

I hear of masking a lot. I am not aware of my consciously masking . That leaves masking that's done at a more automatic and subconscious level . If there is such a thing.

If I am on the spectrum, it could be why I have gone for soo many years before znyone noticed and told me I could have asperges syndrom... If I didn't mask they would have noticed years ago maybe? As I am fairly intelligent (No, I am not a genious or a brain box like a few of you tallented people) I quickly learnt to mask and adapt the way I mask, and I didn't even know it was called masking until a couple of months ago watching Youtube where a lady gave a description about masking and I realized that I do it! I had thought in the past that everyone was like me and has to mask to be part of groups etc... I absolutely love freedom... The times when I can be myself... But these times come when I am just with the odd close family member and I am able to be myself while walking along some footpath or something like that... Somewhere where I can enjoy exploring without meeting people... It is freedom! Yet when I come back to places where people are my mask comes back on... And this mask is not just masking how I talk and recact, but it is how I hold my posture and am careful about how I walk and I concentrate on my body language etc... It is like some sort of restraint... It is tiring when even though I don't realize I am doing it, I am doing it and it is mentally tiring!
In a way I admire those who can live without masking. If I tried it someone would soon tell me off and I would suddenly be hyper concious about my every move. It puts me right into going dead quiet scared to speak or move... And strangely, it takes soo much concentration to do nothing when I am like that. I could cycle many miles in freedom mode on the same energy as trying to do nothing to fit in with a group of people... I just can't explain it...

firemonkey,

Most of my life, I did not know I was masking. But I was aware of a disconnect between how I behaved with different people and in different situations. An example: I went to a wedding party and there was dancing. And I laughed and danced, etc, but it was just about all I could do to hold it together. I told a friend how much trouble I was having and she dismissed me entirely - she could see I was having a good time by how I was behaving. I tried to explain there was a different inside, and she just didn't listen.