How to be less aspie

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Hi,

This is my first post, so I hope that it's an ok question/topic to share.

My NT spouse sometimes says that I am being particularly aspie - often when I'm struggling to catch the subtext in a conversation we're having and he's feeling lonely and misunderstood (because I am misunderstanding him and not providing the empathy he needs). He says that he needs me to be 'less aspie' and 'more me' at such times. Can anyone help me to understand how to do this?

Thank you!

Sounds weird to me, that he said that

He knew you before marriage

Unless you changed your entire demeanor since marriage, which is difficult to imagine

You can ask him what he meant

Strangers on the internet are not telepathic

Nor do strangers on the internet know you

Everyone likes different things






Having said that, a disproportionate number of aspies tend to

Literal misinterpretation

Eye contact seemed bad and wrong by precious lil "most people"

Talk too much or not enough

Not pay as much attention to someone else, as someone wants

less aspie and more me...isn't that a contradiction?

He seems not to know the real you if he says this...

You can't be "less aspie". You can appear less aspie but it's not more you, it's masking.

Or you can be "aspie in good mood and optimal energy", which is often less sterotypically "aspie".

It certainly is. Being an Aspie is not an act or a mask we put on; it is a label that describes our personalities. If the NT husband does not understand and accept this, then I predict progressively more severe marital troubles in the future for this couple.

Is that a reasonable demand?

To me, it shows a lack of empathy for you.

Doesn't that feel like emotional blackmail?

It could be that he just wants you to be there. You may think you have to say something. Or analytically figure it out. You don't. Just be there for him.

Well, you're not a mind reader. If he refuses to explain how he's feeling in a straight-forward manner then how can you be expected to console him? Like the other posters said, you can't just switch off aspergers.

Thank you, these are all helpful things for me to think about

What a great husband... not.

Telling you to be less aspie is like telling someone they need to be less blind or deaf. It's part of who you are, and you should be allowed to be who you are.

In his defence - he is a wonderful husband in so many ways. Sometimes I just drive him nuts when I get the same stuff wrong again and again!

What kind of stuff you get "wrong" again and again, if I can ask?

Maybe he needs to read more about autism so he can understand you better. Being on the spectrum is not necessarily a bad thing.

Or you could suggest that he should stop acting NT.

All sorts of things, but a few examples are:

1. Going back on something we've agreed. We will have a positive conversation, agree on how we're going to deal with something, then I just go ahead and do it my way, which negates the point of the original discussion and makes him feel ignored (understandably).

2. Arguing just for the sake of being right and 'winning' the argument.

3. Not being supportive when he needs emotional support. This is one I struggle with so much. Even if I know he's hurting, I don't know what to say to make it better, then usually end up making it way worse.

That certainly gives me a new perspective

If you are ok with hugging, when he is hurting give him a hug. Just say "I know things are difficult. Can we hug?"